Kasturi

एक शाम यूँ हीं

उस आईने में

धुंधली तस्वीर सी बनती है

सहमी सी, ठहरी सी

खुद के सवालों में

उलझी सी

एक आह छुपी

झिझकी सिरहन में

चाह छुपी

वो सूर्ख़ राख़ सी दहकती है

कल जाने क्या होना है

क्यों जाने क्या खोना है

अपनी तलाश में 

ग़ुम खोयी

वो कस्तूरी सी लगती है

Nothing Significant

March 15^th 2012 around 8:45 pm I met with a significantly small accident and ended up having insignificant bruises, scars, scratches and few other injuries. But this has opened a significantly wide path of philosophy on life.

No, I did not fall off my 6 inch heels and struck my head on wall to have a reality check on life. It was my first ever road accident, in the time when I have been saying a lot to myself “मैं मर हीं क्यूँ नहीं जाती”, whenever I feel helpless, like a puppet with thread in someone else’s hand.  I thought death will solve all the problems since there isn’t anything significant waiting for me in future. Something I may look forward to.

And then, when the death stares you, you don’t even realize it. The reaction time is so small that the brain seizes to think, its just reflex to avoid what’s approaching you. There is no pain, no fear, no sadness it was such a small fraction of second that I did not even scream for my life. But when it re-runs in my head, it’s all in slow motion and I see things in movie clips. I have no idea how it happened. No idea what else could have happened but I am just glad that there was nothing significant.

The re-run clip starts with the Activa, exactly perpendicular to my vehicle, right in front of me. Was it the drizzle; or was it oil on the road that made it skit? I do not know. All I have is the flashing memory of sparks coming out of that vehicle. The reflex took over, I had to avoid so I put my brakes and next thing that I know is, I was there lying in weird angle on the road. I have no idea how far was I carried or if my vehicle left a fleet of spark all around and how many brakes were pulled to avoid us. Yes now that I replay, I can see it in a mix of Bollywood- Hollywood action drama sequence. Rohit Shetty’s vehicle making a 90 degree turn on the ground with sparks all around. The screeching sound and then blink it goes dim. flash again and  a girl is lying in the middle of the road under a dozen headlights. The drizzle; as she gets up and looks around, a little shaken and far from the realization of what just happened. The sound of horns and tyres screeching on forceful brakes. But it was all mute. I could hear nothing. The first realization was that my ear pugs had come off and there was still a faint echo of the song in my mind. “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”. It all runs in slow motion but it happened all too sudden and I was back on my leg unsure of what am I supposed to do. Someone helped me pick my vehicle when he saw me bending towards it. I had not realized that It had carried itself away from me. I was sure my Tani baby would have been hurt too. No, she was fine. A few scratches here and there but the activa was shattered, so I had avoided that collision. I had avoided hitting them straight, and so many vehicles had avoided hitting us. The reality never hit me that I was in the middle of the road until a red car, still fresh in my memory, gently kissed my leg, as I was crossing the road. I was crossing the road without even looking at the traffic still trying to make way avoiding the mishap. That was my first realization that I was in the middle of the road. Before that somehow the entire universe had come down to a bleak core of nothingness.

While driving home from that point, I had mixed feelings. Nervous system was back switching on one nerve at a time. Something was hurting and some folders in my mind were rebooting.

I was suddenly glad for so many insignificant things like the road was one way, there were no hi power bus right behind me and above all even though I had no idea what just happened in that 30 seconds, but I was glad that I was alive. I was glad that I was.

Next 40 minutes of drive made me face the reality that life really is insignificant at the point when it meets the end. Unlike stories, “the end” makes everything insignificant for the one who has it. I would have felt nothing, the life that I have and the things that I want would have meant nothing as it would have lost its existence. No hurt, no pain no ambition and depression would have mattered. Everything that I am about would have come to an end at that point. I wouldn’t even have had a chance to say my goodbyes.

I know as days pass, the memory will go dimmer and one day, what I have experienced would loose the impact that it has right now. But I don’t want to let go of that moment when there was the silence amid chaos, the sluggish seconds that felt like an eternity. And the distant echo of the song replying that last line over and over “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”

The significance of my life would be if I am remembered by those I love. Acknowledged by lives, I come in touch with everyday. Would I be remembered long? I shall be missed by my friends and family but I know as the time goes on, their life would still go on. After all I am just a chapter in their life. I hope to be a significant enough chapter. A cherished and happy chapter. That’s all we all are here for. Our own life is the book consisting of many chapters of the people and experiences. But the minute this book comes to an end we know that no one gets to read it. We are our own writer and the life is one book no one can read the way you have lived it. The minute it ends, it’s the end of everything significant to you. So lets just keep writing and be a beautiful chapter in each others life.

Back home, when I told my brother, what happened and then he started small talk about insignificant stuff like how many chillies in ¾ Kg of potato, I realized how glad I was to have that silly conversation. How glad I was to hear him say “dhyan se raha kar” and how glad I am to still be able to share this experience.

Its possible that very few will read it. Very few may find it a good piece. I have written this to remember it, every time I read it. The experience that made me realize that how much ever my life may suck at times, it may have insecurities and helplessness that I cant get what I want, I may feel that the decision I have taken on my life, leaves me with nothing great to look forward to. But then I have realized, as we live, there is nothing significant about our life if we loose it. There is nothing I would have known or felt if it would have come to an end. No pain no desire.

So I am glad to be alive, to walk this life, gathering experiences, hoping I would have what I desire…as the line still echoes in my mind “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”… nothing significant but a Life!!!!

Crossroads

He paused in middle of the side walk and took his iphone plugs out. She was sitting on the park bench just two hands away from him. He could only see her side profile. With the sun on her back, her face was in the shadow. From where he looked., her hair was falling on her face as she was leaning over the book that she was reading. A smile had appeared on his face without his own notice.

He was pulled towards her, he stood behind her with the park fence between them and said “Hey you”

She did not turn; she did not jump on his voice. He thought he saw her stir a little but then he might have just imagined it.

A long moment had passed and she had not even looked up from her book. He cursed himself under his breath. May be its not her…after all it’s been more than four years!!!

He was about to turn and leave to avoid an awkward encounter with a total stranger, and then she looked up from the book. Without getting up from the bench she just turned and looked up at him.

It was her.

Four years seemed like four minutes to him. She had not changed a bit. He was laughing, he realised. A surprise, a nice and warm surprise. He had not thought of her in years and he could not believe how happy he was to see her.

She smiled back. He knew she was a little shaken but her face revealed nothing. Her smile was impersonal and aloof. She wasn’t the person he had known. She wasn’t the fighter he had witnessed. She was calm and composed, almost to the point that it appeared as if she had foreseen him walking this road today.

She got up and extended her hand to shake his. “ Hey!!” it was the same voice he had forgotten over the years. He shook her hand over the fence. It felt awkward. What was I expecting.. a hug??

He tried not to sound jerked. “ hey wassup!!! How come you are here? I thought you were settled in US.”

“You thought about me… huh?

Same wit and sarcasm!! “No.. yes.. I mean last, when I had heard of you, you were planning to settle down in US. So…”

She opened her mouth to say something but did not say a word. Instead she looked at their hands. He was still holding her hand. He let it go. She was still looking at him but he knew she had probably drifted into the past to the last time they had spoken to each other. It appeared so far away.

He jumped the fence to bridge the gap between them and stood next to her. Without a word they both sat on the bench next to each other. The pages of her book fluttered.

“So, what’s the story?” he asked her.

 She picked her book and looked at him. Her eyes were a little misty but her tongue was not tied anymore. She waggled the book on his face and said “ I thought four years would have taught you how to read... ”

The mischievousness in her tone was back. Was he glad about that? He was not sure anymore. He was not sure if he was glad to see her. He had forgotten her over the years then why sitting next to her felt so normal. Why looking at her did not fill his mind with inevitable questions. Husband!!? It felt so unreal but the undeniable truth was that she was married. He could not understand why she still looked the same. His woman!!

Before he could say anything, she said “So what’s your story Danny? What brings you here?

“I am working on a project here. My first week and I ran into you.  Crazy isn’t it? But what are you doing in Bristol?”

“I live here”

“ahh.. the traveller in you or your husband is making you take a world tour huh? ” he did not mean to but he could sense the retort in his own voice.

She looked at him and smiled. “I live here and work here”

She had still not said a word about her husband. Why? He wondered.

“What about you? Your wife is accompanying you? “

“No.. she would be joining me in a month. VISA issue.”

Yes, they both were married! The truth just hit him. Was she looking at him the same way he was looking at her? Suddenly last four years did not matter. He had reached out to her, all of those four years ago.

“Do you?” she had asked him. “Well do you want to or you don’t?” her question was echoing in his mind. It had travelled four years to stall in this moment.

He looked at her, unsure of what to say. A lock of her curls had escaped and was bothering her. He felt a compulsion to do something about it. His hand still remembered the touch of her hair.

“Her poky broom” he remembered teasing her and both of them smiled at the same time. As if she knew what he was thinking, she put the lock behind her ears and asked “still bother you?”

He laughed and nodded ‘yes’. She hit him jokingly and then awkwardly pulled her hand back. He felt that awkward jerk too. He had not realised how much he had missed her, teasing her, fighting with her and loving her. He wondered if she felt the same way. She read his mind again and replied “initially I missed you a lot. Every single day I hoped that you would realise what were you going to loose.”

She paused and he did not know if he was supposed to answer to that. He  was looking at his shoe laces and she said again “… but I guess you did not loose anything. You married the one you wanted to, the one you were destined to and I am sure you both are really happy.” There was a bright smile on her face. He knew it was genuine.

“ Marriage is no big deal, didn’t I tell you so” he tried to lighten it up.

“hmmm you did.”

“So what’s your big deal? Where is your husband?”

“..in US”

“… and you here!!..are you…is he.. did he..??”

“Chose NOT to be with me?” she finished his question and then after a pause finished her thought “…just like you!?”

He did not answer. What was he supposed to say when she still thought he had chosen that. He had not. He did not know what to say. He was just startled to know that she was all alone. Then why didn't she go back to India? “..are you? Did he…?”

She answered before he could decide how to frame his question subtly.

“ no, he did not. We are very much married. His work keeps him travelling and I found a hanger here. That’s it.”

Something in her tone told him that this wasn’t the woman he had known. There was no passion in her voice. She had accepted… defeat? He wondered if he was the reason.

The toddler playing right in front of them came dusting her hands by her sides. He had not noticed the small girl but now as she approached them, something in her face told him that now those questions, reasons, accusations, hurt, those last four years did not matter.

She bent to hold the child, who had found her spot, between of her mother’s arms. “Ma…hungry”

“Say hello to…” she paused looked at him and said “Danny uncle”

He looked deep into her eyes to see the missing spark returned, around her daughter. Negative. How could he describe this woman? ...perfectly normal?? No sign of her unshakable, unbound energy and passion in life. Then he looked at the little girl looking at him. She had her eyes, the same spark and the curve of her lips that could make anyone smile. He offered his hand to say hello “ and who might u be?”

“Her name is Kaya… she cant talk much yet”

“That’s unusual for ‘your’ daughter” he was still looking at the kid who was trying to evaluate this stranger under good or bad category. And then she informed both of them “ Kaya…hungry”

Danny laughed. “ Definitely your daughter!! ”

She threw her novel in the big bag and took out a tissue to wipe kid’s hands. She started to get up then sat back with the kid in her lap. She looked at him one last time. “ It was nice meeting you. Its nice to know that… well nothing new that I learnt…but  Its just nice… I mean it was a nice surprise”

Kaya approved, "Nice.. Good..Nice!!"

She started walking with kaya tagging by her side.

The evening sun was casting their long shadows on the ground. He could not take the eyes off them. Was this another good bye? He never said good bye to her. He called out to her “ Rhea!!!”

Kaya turned before she did…they both paused for him to say something.

“It was nice running into you today. May be we can catch up again”

She did not say a word. As she was turning back she heard him, “I hope your husband knows that he is a very lucky man!!”

She turned before the tear could fall from her eyes and whispered, I am sure your wife  knows how lucky she is!!!

Lovebruary...

February- the month we brew love!!!

Just like every other girl, all my life I have been trying to find that one person who would love me for who I am. Blame it on being born as Aries, believing in miracles and being just hopelessly romantic, does not help much otherwise. But should I really blame this on my sun sign? I am drawn towards mind more that anything. There is an ongoing analysis in my head to decode the thought process of whoever I meet. I don’t judge (no, seriously) but I am just curious to an extent that if there was a scientific  tool called “mind decoder”, I would have had that junk. And who captivates me? Just like Edward in Twilight, I fall for one whose mind is beyond me. Who can keep me thinking about him just because I can not figure out what he has been thinking.

Someone once said to me that love is nothing but a state of hallucination. I am not very sure if I buy that but it sure does make sense. A state of hallucination, where everything looks foggy, yet beautiful. We are so caught up with the emotional “high” that we let the one we love, get away with almost anything. Something he said or did would hurt for a while but do we feel the pain?… No!!! Its only when the drug wears off…there is pain, desperation and a feeling of being completely at loss. You look back and you don’t even remember the path you have been walking on. There is this hangover of love, when there is a nagging buzz in the head and a headache that makes you feel like shit. Love sure is a drug, an addiction. When the supply is over it makes you desperate to cling on to anything, something to fill the mind with and hopelessly we try to find just another small dose to keep us alive.

But isn’t Love just a hyped emotion? Probably the most talked and discussed about human emotion in the world. Every one will market that drug free of cost and would say that it makes you feel alive and gives you positivity. then why is it that pain becomes synonym of true love? Is it our obsession for pain? Pain looks real, makes us look tougher and makes us look a bigger person in our head. May be that's why they say the path of love is always thorny. After all, we all want to be a bigger person, living for a "cause". And believe it or not, love has a fair share in everyone's "cause" of who they are.

So undeniably I am not untouched from love either. It has touched me, made me smile unreasonably, made my stomach churn, made me skip so many beats and at times made me feel like a shit. It has made me derive a hundred hypotheses on the course of events  of my life. I have taken the plunges and I have surfaced. I have hoped against hopes of being together and I have hoped that one day I’ll be able to reason myself of why I feel the way I feel. What is the reason that makes someone so special? If this time it’s real, why did it take so long to reach here? There were days when I had given up all hopes of being together and still a tiny flicker said I am still praying every single day. I have tried cutting all ties thinking that I have brought bad luck, that its just not meant to be and then I have asked myself if this is not supposed to be why did this happen. Why did I fall so miserably? Questions, even Google can not answer. Questions that when answered would loose its meaning. The state of hallucination, remember? These questions aren’t supposed to be answered. These questions create that fog in the head that keeps us all, especially me, walking on this road filled with confusions. I seek drama in life and so I like it this way. Not knowing what the future awaits, not knowing if I am right or wrong. It feels so right to be together and feels so wrong to adjure anyone for our togetherness. I have never wished for anything for myself then why do I need to ask for something that feels so mine? So I pray to be strong to let go  and the answer I get is, “I” am the one who is holding on. One of my favourite song has a line “ I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all”. So, how much ever hurt I may, I choose this. I choose to walk all scarred. Choose to stay this way still believing that “Miracle happens to those who believe in it”. One day you will also believe that you are my miracle. Till then, happily confused, happily starry eyed and miserably in love…   and JFTR Happy Valentine ’s Day!!!

Free Fall

Across the hall

A frozen glance

That,

I still can recall.

Back of my mind

A hidden smile

That,

I did not care

To show at all

Toes curled,

Fingers twitched

In nervous fist

All so fast

All so subtle

That,

I noticed not,

My breath was

Stalled

To be touched

By his eyes

Burning

Skin with desire

Hold it close

In the heart

Eternity

or,

Nothing at all

Living,

Those moments

Again and again

Every fraction

Of every second

As

I recall

The stillness

And the free fall

There?

8:49 pm

There was an electronic humming and harmonic beeps in the room. It showed in the monitor that her heart was beating. Very slowly, but yes it was beating. Short even breath filled her lungs with oxygen from the cylinder.. The room was well lit, organized and maintained the most comfortable environment possible for her body.

But, she felt cold. She could hear her heartbeat in a far distance. There was an echo of her own thoughts. She was trying to recollect where she was. She fought to open her eyes but she could not even flutter them. Strangely there was no darkness, all around her she could feel soothing white light. It did not hurt her eyes, the light was mellow and foggy, she tried to focus on the light to see around. She could not see anything.

There is so much light and still I can’t see anything. There is someone talking and I cant hear it…how long have I been here? Sleeping? I am not dead… or am I?… no!!! how can I be dead and still thinking all this. There was an utter confusion and still she felt calm. She did not feel like fighting with what she felt within her. She was at ease with herself after a long long time. All those fights that she had with herself had faded away in that white glow of her mind. She felt like chuckling, she felt a little high. She wondered who all were there in that room. She tried o focus really hard to remember where she was… she tried to stretch and feel where she was but she could not move a muscle.

9:12 pm

He stretched his hands over his shoulder and tried to relax his day long tired torso. It was late and there were very few people around. There was almost harmonic chatter of keyboards. He thought of taking a brake from work and navigate through what his friends were doing. He logged into facebook and saw her update. He noticed no updates on her status update and cursed inwardly. She had asked him to call her 2 days back and somehow he had not managed to. He looked at the watch “you must be reading a book…trying to sleep”. He smiled thinking how angry she must be for not calling her back. Her perky anger always amused him. He picked up the phone to call her then decided to call her while driving back home. “I should finish this and then go home…”

“will call you on the way baby” he said out loud to the phone in his hand and then went back to the program he was working on.

9:38 pm

Its not working!!! Where is her family?

She heard a male voice that she could not recognize. It sounded friendly. In spite of the alarm in the voice it filled her mind with calmness. The friendly guy spoke again, “have you been able to trace anyone in the family yet?”

From another distance she heard a fragile female voice “yes her brother is on the way and there are a couple of people we have called from her last dialed numbers… not immediate family but close friends are here.

“last dialed numbers… which phone? Did he call? She wanted to take out her mobile from the jeans but she felt like she was floating. There was no gravity and still she had no strength to move her hand the way she wanted to. And then it struck her “Nittu is on the way here? Why? I was supposed to go to Mumbai right? Why is he coming here” She tried really hard to remember what has happened.. “ Nittu…” she screamed and her head was filled with her own voice. The white soothing light started becoming pale, orange, Red and then she saw the headlights of the bus approaching her head on. She tried to put the brakes really hard. The light hit her eyes and a gasp of air left her lungs. For a second she opened her eyes and saw the white ceiling before she closed her eyes again to the whiteness of her floating mind.

“Sir, look at the monitor”

She could here them clearly now. She knew what has happened. She wasn’t sleeping. She wasn’t dreaming. She was dying. It chocked her.

“I think she came out of the coma for a second there. Check the graph.” The friendly voice was filled with charge this time. “She is going back” said another voice and the voices started fading to that comfortable distance once again. The doctor opened her eyes to see the dilation of her pupil. Another doctor was checking her ECG graph.

“ Nothing. We lost her again”

10:02 pm

“Lost it again? Your keys?”

His friend asked him, standing lazily next to his desk. “yeah… no its here somewhere… yup got it”

“Done for the day? Its raining man…can you drop me on the way? And lets pick some food…”

“yeah sure” he switched off his system and just when the monitor went blank he thought he saw her face… that smiling face of her profile picture. I guess I am missing her. I should have called her.

“What are you smiling for?” His friend asked.

Nothing. Was thinking about the race… that was a thrilling finish. Her image appeared again in his mind and he tried to replace it with the racing podium image.

“Yeah expect the unexpected…”

10:38 pm

“When is her brother expected? We are running out of time here. Did you find any other donor? What did the blood bank say? Someone go and check again.” The doctor was loosing patience.

She was crying within. She was feeling really cold now. Can you get a blanket on me Rhea. She said like just another day at home, she had told her friend. Her friend was sitting at the bed side but did not hear it. She could feel the hands getting colder and a warm tear drop escaped and landed where they held each other. She wiped it and got up. Trying to put herself together, she had to call too many people. She did not have much time.

10:48 pm

“These days I don’t get much time to workout. Wonder when was the last time, we had hit the gym.” His friend was talking to him. He knew he had to answer to him but somehow he did not feel like talking. May be I am really tired today. Or may be it’s the rain. Suddenly it crossed his mind that she loved rain. To distract himself he switched on the FM and started humming along with Bon Jovi… I’ll be there for you…. 

11:42 pm

He was there, she knew he was there. Nittu is that you? She could feel him. She wanted to see her brother one last time. “ it is the last time. isn’t it? Sorry kiddo!!! I know you are scared of flights in the rain… I hope you weren’t scared today. I am so so sorry. I was really careful I promise but that Volvo came in wrong lane. Nittu… she tried to raise her hand to reach out to the only soul she really cared about. She knew he was there. “God just one last time let me see him. Let me make sure he is fine.” Then she felt that touch. He was holding her hand. “Are you crying? You can’t cry… you are the man kiddo stop crying” and then she felt the choking in her throat again. Her whole existence was choking; she could not take it anymore. She had to scream and say that she was there. She had to tell her brother that she was fine. The darkness started fanning on her mind. She felt suffocation. Her throat was burning but she had to do it… she gathered all her strength to move, to reach out to her brother. She screamed Nittu… it echoed loudly in her mind.

Nittu heard her. He thought he did. He looked at the pale face of her sister to see another gasp of air leaving restlessly her body. The harmony of the beats on the monitor fluctuated again. He looked up at monitor and then saw her face again. He thought he saw her opening the eyes for a split second. He looked at the doctor. The doctor placed his consoling hand on Nittu’d shoulder. “She is fighting to come out of the coma but she has lost too much blood. She has a very rare blood group only if we could find a match we had some hope. We are trying…”

Then try hard. She wanted to scream that. I want to see him once again. “Nittu bring me back. I don’t want to go.”

11:58 pm

“ I don’t want to go… you guys carry on. I have a deadline man!! Not this weekend” he spoke some other tired syllables to his friend on the phone before hanging up on him. He was really tired now. He took off his watch, glanced at it one last time before throwing it on the bedside table. Its so late and I have an early day tomorrow. He wasn’t even worried about changing if he hadn’t been a little wet. He changed and crashed on the bed. He fell asleep thinking he had not called her again.

00:26 am

“Mom had called again.. she is on the way. Just hold on a little longer.” Nittu was whispering to her. “…but how would she come? It’s a long  way. Ask her not to Nittu. I don’t have much time. She can’t see me like this. She should not see me like this. Tell her… tell her…

“you can hear me I know. I know how strong you are. We will get a donor and then everything will be fine. Just hang on a little longer di” 

She smiled. She wanted to assure him that she had heard him. He did not see that smile. He was looking at the phone blinking  Mom Calling…

00:38 am

Mom Calling…

Yes mom? Why are you up so late?

His mom was on the phone. “I had a feeling something is wrong. Just wanted to make sure you are alright”

“uff what can be wrong. Everything is fine” he grumbled sleepily.

“Had dinner?”

“Its late Ma. Of course I had dinner. I really need to sleep. Don’t worry everything is fine. I’ll call you tomorrow… good night” he stretched the blanket and grunted again, ”stupid rain...its so cold”.

00:40 am

Its so cold. She could feel the chill running through every cell of her body. She felt naked, exposed to the white fog. She was shivering. She could feel the beeps on her monitor were more relaxed and she could hear the clock ticking. She did not have much time. She had to tell her brother. She had to tell those passwords, those gifts she had bought…

She had to tell him one last time that she loved him. She had to make sure he knew that she was fine… really fine. The whiteness seemed really dense now. She knew she had to fight with herself one last time. Just this time and then everything will be fine. She was floating, tossing and turning to wake up one last time.

00:44 am

He was tossing and turning in his bed but he could not sleep. Its really late. She must be asleep. I’ll call her tomorrow. Its late… its late…sleep. He tried commanding his body to obey him. What can go wrong Ma..why did you wake me up from sleep. Its alright… everything is fine!!!

00:46 am

Its alright. Everything is fine. Don’t worry now. I don’t feel any pain…I have to tell you this kiddo…I have to see you one last time. She tried really hard this time she could see her brother. Small, tiny boy, a million years ago.  Running away from her with the TV remote. She could see her brother  hazily in the white cloud. and then 'He' appeared. He was holding the phone, talking to someone, he looked at her and smiled. He winked at her and gave that lazy nod that always captivated her. Her brother was getting further, she paused for a moment to look at 'him' one last time before she started running towards her brother. Suddenly her brother was all grown up. Taller, faster, she tried to run faster, she couldn’t even catch her breath but she could not give up. She had to reach out to him, she had to touch him. She was really close; the white clouds were becoming dark grey now. She was about to touch him, she was completely out of breath. And then suddenly she saw the brightest light…it hurt her eyes…she tried to close her eyes… and she opened it finally…

00:48 am

He opened his eyes finally. He could not sleep. He cursed, got up and went to kitchen. took a sip of water from bottle and stared at the wall clock.

00:49 am

She stared at the wall clock. She could not make anything out of it. And then his face focused in. She smiled. He smiled back and the tears ran down his face. She could hear the beeps of the monitor. She had so much to tell him.

“Don’t say anything. Just relax.” Nittu whispered

But she felt the sudden panic. She started saying something but it just made meaningless horse whispers because of the oxygen mask.

She looked in his eyes. He told the doctor, “She wants the oxygen mask removed. She wants to say something”

The doctor nodded and slowly took off the mask. There was nothing else he could do at this point.

00:50am

There was nothing else he could do at this point. He lied down on the bed and felt the phone under the pillow. He touched it with his hand, held it for a moment and said “I miss you too baby”

00:50am

… I’ll miss you kiddo” she was whispering slowly. He was holding her hand and was leaning closely to hear. She was trying to say something but she could not bring the words out. Tears welled in her eyes; she knew he could read them all.

“I’ll always love you” she whispered slowly. “…. Be… be strong.. for maa and paa…”

She could hear Rhea sobbing but she could not take a chance with moving her head to see her friend. She felt her hand and tried to hold tight to her too. Rhea felt the movement and broke down into another flood of tears.

She was looking straight in her brother’s eyes. There was so much she wanted to say. So much she had to say. “I love you...” was all she could whisper. “… tell… Ran…tell him that …I love… him”

The monitor gave a long shrill sound. There were no beeps. A long stretch of green line on the monitor and a shrilling sound. She could not hear it. She could not hear anything anymore. The doctor noted the time in the white sheet. 00:52 am

Her brother was still holding her hand. still looking at her face. Her eyes were far far off in another world. She wasn’t there.

00:52 am

 “There?” He wrote and sent the text to her number. 

 p.s.:: this is a work of fiction. No medical rationale intended.

Un-done

रेत के घरोंदे

फिसलते बंद मुट्ठी से

धीमी आंच पे

जलती ख्वाहिशें 

बेपरवाह-ए-अंजाम

चंद मंसूबे

खुरचन से ख्वाब

सीलन पड़ी दीवारों से

उड़ते रंग, चड़ते साल

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