Beyond "The End"- Chapter 2

"Did you try Fakira? It used to be your mom's favorite place. I am surprised, its still there.

She couldn't help control her smile at the enthusiasm in her father's voice. He had been calling her every single day. She wasn't used to his calls. As far as she could remember, in all of her 30 years he would not have called her more than once or twice a months. Incidentally, her mother who used to speak to her everyday and more than once in a day; had not spoken to her since she had moved to this small town. She wasn't surprised a bit, she wasn't even angry, she probably understood the disappointment her mother must have felt because of the recent turn of events. She would ask her father every time, if Maa was around. Every time he would casually answer that her mother was busy doing something and she would call her in some time.

A week passed and she was getting used to this life in the small town. Going to work in the morning, wearing that yellow helmet for no reason and yet taking a pride in it. People wore a different kind of pride in their work. People here respected her as if she was someone. This wasn't Mumbai where she had worked for first 5 years of her life. Where she was part of a crowd and was virtually no one. In this town and in this company she was virtually no one but people around her acknowledged her and made her feel that she was someone.

She needed that. She needed that little dose of recognition, of acknowledgement and that small town feel to boost her moral. The time was moving at a strange pace. Some days it will feel like a distant memory and somedays it would remind her of that "life" like it was just yesterday. Her mother had started talking to her again though it was almost like past 5 years were completely erased from her mother's book. She never referenced anything, even remotely related to her life in Mumbai. 

Ammu asked her one evening, "Do you want to go to the club this weekend? It has been years since I have been to the club you know after your Uncle passed away. Vidhya was telling me that they are organizing some function this new year. We can also go the Book Fest on the way".

She knew that Ammu was making an effort to get her to socialize once again. It has been 6 months that she had moved in with Ammu. They had found comfort in the company of each other and past 6 months had really healed her to an extent. She liked the fact that Ammu never probed her and yet suggested and encouraged her in things that will get her out of the depression.

She agreed to go to Club as well as Book fair. She made a point that she will have to get Amu's car fixed one of these days. That night when she was making these notes in her mind, without realizing she slept with her lights on.

That night for the first time in the last 6 months, she had a dream...of him.

... Oh Neeru I am so happy that you are with me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I never thought I'll see this day. The suddenly she was in a bridal dress and he was smiling at her. He wasn't the groom, he was just standing there smiling at her. She saw him and then she tried to look at the groom. She struggled in her dreams to look at the face of his groom. It was him. She was sure of that. But he looked different, he looked angry and it scared her. 

She woke up with a shiver. She was startled, anxious and scared. She thought she was crying in her dream but then she realized that she was still crying. She got up and had some water. As she was stitching off the lights in the room, she could see from her window that in the adjacent flat a fainted light was still on. She thought she saw someone or may be she imagined.

She struggled to sleep again and finally fell asleep as the blast furnace turned the sky orange in the early morning hours.

Beyond "The End"- Chapter 1

She woke up with a stiff neck from the night long interrupted sleep in the bus. She massaged her neck slightly and tried to understand how far she had reached. She could make out that they were about to enter the town. She checked her mobile and saw four missed calls from her father. She knew he was concerned about her safety but she did not want to call him right away. She sipped a little water and tried to doze off again.

Two hours later, she was at the bus stop with a small piece of paper in her hand. The auto rickshaw drivers were hovering around her. Everyone seemed interested to know where she wants to go. After 20 minutes of discussion, in which she had minimal inputs to give, she decided to give up. She started following the driver who had somehow managed to win this episode of discussion and was walking really fast with her luggage.

She was beginning to like this town. Early morning roads were being cleaned by ladies wearing blue uniform. Few auto rickshaws were rushing towards schools. Trees marked the edges of the road and huge trees were dividers of the road. She liked the green serenity of the city. There were small fields with a carpet of dew laden green grass. In the horizon she could see the silhouette of a plateau.  She saw small food vendors preparing to start their day. She crossed an open market filled with fresh vegetables and enthusiastic crowd. The town was waking up to welcome her.

She rang the bell and waited patiently for the door to open. Her toes were curled in nervousness, but her face showed nothing. The door was opened and a home made fresh south Indian breakfast’s aroma greeted her first. The lady was standing there to greet her with a smile that reminded her of her childhood and misty eyes which brought her to present in the same second. She bent down to touch “Ammu’s feet and was in ammu’s warm hug that told her everything will be fine. As Ammu closed the door behind her and lead her to the guest room she knew finally the doors were opening in her life.

Few hours later….

“…hmmm no no she is fine with this arrangement. She did not say anything”

She waited for her father to go on and tell her that she could not live like this forever. She heard patiently when he told her that she still has time and she can go back to him. “After all he is her father”. If nothing else past one and half year had taught her patience. It had taught her to listen. Listen without disagreement; listen without judging it and listening without answering.

“…hmmm” she said numerous times and finally came a pause at the other end; she realized she was supposed to answer something. “Okay. I think you are right but now that I am here let me just see if it works out after all”. She knew her father would not give up so easily. But he did hang up eventually, for this time.

The Other One- Story One!

And he said “you are special”.

Little did she know that it is going to change her life forever.

5 years later, those words haunt her. Was that a mockery or pre-calculated answer. An easy escape from the torturous questions being thrown by her. She wanted to know if she mattered to him. He said those magical words she wanted to listen. She was expecting a humble yes, but he said something beyond her expectation. He said something extraordinary, something different. It had its own charm on her because it was opposite of what she had always felt about her.

She was the black sheep, the ugly duckling, behan ji, the nerdy friend of the protagonist of the story. Well there was just one problem, there are no protagonists in real life, so technically she was no one; no one that anyone would be interested in knowing. Yet he told her that she was special. He said what he had to, to get to her, to get in her pants and to get away from the inquisitive eyes. What he did not know was, that he was getting into her mind. A place that had no exit.

She let him into her mind and made the biggest mistake of her life. It incepted the idea of love, unconditional, undemanding but destructive love. The core of her heart was infected by the idea of loving him. Believing, that it is the purest, passionate emotion of love. If this isn’t love then nothing else can be defined as love. First time in her life she felt special. She could be what she had always wanted to be. She could smile, feel beautiful and feel confident about her. He wasn’t around much, yet her entire day, days after days were filled with his thoughts. She was in love for both of them. She was playing both parts, buying gifts for herself, pampering herself, thinking that’s what he would do, if he could do. She was living every moment with him, yet without him.

She wasn’t ready when it happened but then she realized that she had been preparing herself for this moment for the past two years. She knew it at some level already. Small things that she had been ignoring all this while, was slowly knocking at her subconscious. He had become a reflection of her consciousness, he was “the one”. She believed it like she believed her next breath. He was the one… she was the one. His special one!

And then it all came crashing on to her.. Her subconscious and conscious shattered. He was cheating all this while. He was cheating for past two years. He wasn’t cheating on her, he was cheating with her. He was married, had a daughter and she wasn’t the one. She was the other one.

Suddenly she was standing on the other side. She was the other woman, probably one among many other women. She felt foolish, she felt disgusted, she felt violated and she had no one else to blame but herself.

She trusted that feeling in her heart, she believed it to be love. As her subconscious was trapped on a "penrose stairs", she was walking, trying to climb up, get out of here, yet she could reach no where. He had infected her mind, deeply and irreversibly.  “If this wasn’t love, nothing can be”. Funny thing about belief is, you cant really undo it. So her whole being slowly turned to someone so different that if the two personalities of hers would have met at some point, they would have come across as a total stranger to each other. She lived under a shadow, an emotionless, worthless woman who had nothing to believe in. He went on with his life. She tried, and yet inside her heart what she once believed kept growing like a cancer. “If that wasn’t love, nothing can be”.

5 years later, she does not even remember his face, his smell, his words, his touch but she remembers what it felt like to be cheated, cheated on and cheated with. She craves to feel what it felt like before, to be loved, to belong, to feel special again but all she can feel is the fear of never coming out of this. Never being able to let go, get over this as his devious creepy laugh is still piercing what’s left of her heart.  His laughter echoes in her mind and reminds her every day “if that wasn’t love, nothing can ever be”. She looks in the mirror and sees those lost eyes. She wasn’t special, she was just available. She wasn’t the one, she was “The other one”!!

Axis

नाम दिया तुमने
फिर भी क्यूँ लगती
तुम्हे-मेरी पहचान अधूरी है

चाहतें हैं हज़ारों
उनको पाने की
क्यूँ- अरदास ज़रूरी है?

अपनी ही बच्ची
क्यूँ अपनो को
लगती- हर हाल अधूरी है

अपना लो बस
मैं जैसी हूँ
ऐसी भी, क्या मजबूरी है?

सब कुछ तो है
तेरी पहुँच के दायरे मे
फिर, कम्बख़्त क्यूँ दूरी है

माना हूँ किसी और जहाँ की
पर तुम पे टिकी
मेरी धुरी हैं.

...and the reason is You!

सांसो की डोर से
ज़िंदगी पिरो रखी थी
वो जाने किस जनम की
गिरह माँग बैठे

खुशी की वजह वो
उदासी भी उनसे
वो अपनी उदासी में
मेरे माथे पे शिकन की
वजह माँग बैठे

उनकी मय्यत पे
जनाज़ा हम अपना भी
सज़ा लेते,
जो वो मुझसे मेरे
जीने की वजह माँग बैठे

Incomplete chapter

इस सच और झूठ
की दुनिया के परे
एक और दुनिया है
जहाँ एक खली मैदान
तुम्हारे इंतज़ार में बैठी
मैं नादान
ये भी न समझी
की तुम तो
इसी सच और झूठ
का हिस्सा हो
जो भूल गयी कहीं
बस एक अधूरा किस्सा हो 

Deal

It was a mixed feeling, anticipation and nervousness bubbling in my stomach. I thought of blaming it on my sleepless night. Well, and what do I blame the sleepless night on? I was coming home. I could see my favourite place in the world, playing hide and seek beneath the clouds.

I signed on the immigration form and restrained myself from drawing a smiley. I had not realized how happy I was to be back. Jobless and yet happy? What am I so happy about? Seeing those friends, I have seen past two years only on facebook or that one person whom I had not seen in almost two years. Only if he was social on networking!! Only if I had one last time to see him, to say my goodbye!

A man who lived by his rules or may be bound by his own rules, so much that his own rules could not let him fit in a person like me. He wasn’t my friend but he was there every single day of my life. He was there to scold me, be angry with me, guide me, and walk with me, sometimes amused with my chirpiness and above all welcoming me in spite of knowing how alien I was in his world.

The airhostess asked me if I needed another cup of coffee. I smiled, nodded yes. Suddenly I was holding another cup of coffee two years ago.

His coffee cup was standing cold and neglected, He was worried. He wouldn’t let me know this but he was. You should have called me. You know the board will question you. Forget about transcript..you could have called me from their office itself!!

I knew it wasn’t anger. It was his helplessness, that was frustrating him. I knew I should have called him. I should have informed him, before signing on the deal. He knew me enough to know that it was inevitable but he could foresee the next board meeting and he knew I was going to be questioned. Forget it lets have a cup of coffee…lets celebrate the deal. We’ll see whatever happens in the meeting.

Another announcement brought me back in present momentarily and I finished my cup of coffee. The song on the in-flight entertainment system was playing distantly in my mind. My mind has teleported to the fateful meeting. I was prepared for every question. I knew I needed board’s consent before signing the deal. But, it was a good deal, actually the best deal till date and I was sure the board would understand my situation. I was sure it would pass. He was worried unnecessarily.

I was never late for the meeting but that day everyone else were early. As I walked in seven pairs of eyes weighed me. I smiled and took my seat. The meeting had just begun with our monthly status report and bamm… the deal!! Yes it was a good deal everyone agreed but I saw the sweat breaking out on his face. I knew he would try to protect me and the voice in my head told me but why? And how long? I had done nothing wrong.

The long impending question was thrown at my face. “You can not sign the deal without the board’s consent. You were aware that you were misusing your position!” Mr Hydes voice showed no sign of emotion as he threw the question on my face.

What!! I was baffled, of all the questions I had prepared for, this wasn’t the one. I was misusing my position? How?? By signing the best deal the company had ever had?

All I could say was “I am aware that I was supposed to have your consent, but look at the figures, don’t you agree with the deal? Trust me there was no time… I tried mailing the new transcript of the agreement before signing but my service was blocked.”

"That’s not the point. It is a good deal but you took decision for the company all by yourself. We are a team Ms Parashar, it’s not your personal company. You can not take personal decisions, good or bad.”

The bitterness was still in the air when he cleared his throat, and all eight pairs of eyes, including mine, turned at him, “I was informed” that’s all he said. Nothing more, nothing less. He was trying to protect me once again.

Everyone was silent. I was looking at my papers, trying to control my impulse. I should have let it pass. Let the question die in the silence. But I just could not. I was being questioned on my integrity. After seven years to this company, thinking of it as my own company from day one and I get to hear that its my ‘personal’ decision. Yes it is. My every decision is personal, because I felt this company was an extension of me.

There were a couple of whispers, but nobody wold speak out.

I looked straight into Mr Hydes and said, “ Mr Arora was  informed only because he chose to. He knew my preparation for this agrrement. He could see a possibility this giant and he can understand the situation I was in. He knows that it was in the interest of the company that I signed the deal without any hesitation. He knows that if I could have I would have waited for your consent”

“What bothers me is how you can not see that? How can it be a personal decision? I have gained no personal benefit from this deal still I am being questioned for what…for being true to the company?”

There was a long unnerving silence before My Hydes spoke, “ you don’t get it do you? You think you are free spirited and can take decisions independently? This is just unprofessional.You took a decision without anybody’s consent and signed with another company. You were supposed to be representing us. Representing the company and then company could have taken a decision. You just signed for us without bothering to take our consent.Tomorrow you would sign another deal without us being aware and then do you expect us to sit and applaud? With Mr CEO’s favouritism towards you who knows one day…”

His anger was very apparent when he cut Mr Hydes in the middle, “what favouritism?” No one spoke. He was questioning his best friend. Someone who had helped him start this company. Suddenly, the air felt so heavy on my shoulder.

I don’t know what has incepted this whole idea of favouritism, but I had heard that many times behind my back. Today it was out in open, on the conference table staring at me. Yes, he did favour me, may be because he could see himself in me. We shared every single idea; every single deal was our triumph. We were not friends, but there was something that had connected us in last seven years. Perhaps we both spoke the same language.

Noone answered his question. No narration of all those stories that were shared at the coffee machine. No one brought the question on the table that how did a girl  get to be in the boards with such less experience in the company. None was spoken still I could see those questions and insecurities clouding their mind. Mr Hydes was quiet too. He was just looking at his friend, his partner in the company from day one.  

I could not see that anymore. “I am resigning from the board and from the company”

He did not even look at me. 

Another board member said, “no you don’t have to. We apologise for the personal comment. All we need is a justification for not informing the board prior to the deal”

Mr Hydes was looking down. He did not say a thing either.

“I know I don’t have to but I do. I can not work like this. I respect the board but I have some self respect too.”

I looked at him across the table, my eyes were a little misty and his indifference left me with a chill when he said “its your personal decision”.

“You’ll have the resignation letter in an hour.” I was speaking to him. Somehow rest of the people had become invisible.

I could not hold my tears any longer and so I had walked out of that meeting. I had paid my dues instead of serving the notice period because I was so disappointed in him. How could he let me go, let me do this. I was angry with him for saying that resignation was my personal decision.

It had taken me three months to get over that episode, find myself a new passion in Paris.

Only when I reached Paris, I had realized my mistake. He wasn’t being indifferent. He wanted me to realize my space. He wanted me to fight for what was right. Resignation was like leaving a war without battle. It had taken me six months to reach to a point when I could see what he had meant. I had disappointed him too!

The announcement said that we had reached the Indira Gandhi International airport.

I was walking towards the luggage claim, switching on my mobile. I called home that I had reached safely and I would call them once I have the local number connected.

I had called him from the local booth at Paris, after eight months of silence. He had immediately recognized my voice. “ Nidhi.. ohh thank God you are okay. You know how worried I was that your phone was not reachable…”

Almost one year, we had been in touch over phone, chat but we had never discussed about the company. The work that had connected us was never a topic of discussion and still there was something that had kept us together. He never was my friend but he was there as always.

I took my bags and started walking towards the exit sign. I was back home after an year and nine months. My phone vibrated as I walked out of the door, I saw his name flashing… I smiled but before I could pick it up, the call got disconnected. I walked ahead and it blinked his name again. I was going to take the call but again ... disconnected. And then, I heard him call out my name, “ Nidhi look up here!!!”

There he was holding a placard that read “Ms Nidhi Parashar”

I could not believe my eyes. He had come all the way to pick me up. “ what are you doing here?”

“you always used to complain that no one ever comes to pick you up at airport with a placrd!!...so here I am.”

“..at 4:30 in the morning… are you mad!” I extended my hand for a handshake but he hugged me tight.

“I couldn’t wait any longer. Welcome back!! You have had enough of your little adventure and drama in life. I’ll drop you off at home after a cup of coffee ofcourse!…sleep tight and meet me tomorrow in our new office. I have some brilliant ideas that you would be thrilled to…”

I was already thrilled!! I was back and this time I knew I belonged here.

We walked towards the coffee day and he was already explaining his new business idea to me. I couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm and the ease with which he made me part of his world again.

He wasn’t my friend. He was someone I shared my dreams with.