The Other One- Story One!

And he said “you are special”.

Little did she know that it is going to change her life forever.

5 years later, those words haunt her. Was that a mockery or pre-calculated answer. An easy escape from the torturous questions being thrown by her. She wanted to know if she mattered to him. He said those magical words she wanted to listen. She was expecting a humble yes, but he said something beyond her expectation. He said something extraordinary, something different. It had its own charm on her because it was opposite of what she had always felt about her.

She was the black sheep, the ugly duckling, behan ji, the nerdy friend of the protagonist of the story. Well there was just one problem, there are no protagonists in real life, so technically she was no one; no one that anyone would be interested in knowing. Yet he told her that she was special. He said what he had to, to get to her, to get in her pants and to get away from the inquisitive eyes. What he did not know was, that he was getting into her mind. A place that had no exit.

She let him into her mind and made the biggest mistake of her life. It incepted the idea of love, unconditional, undemanding but destructive love. The core of her heart was infected by the idea of loving him. Believing, that it is the purest, passionate emotion of love. If this isn’t love then nothing else can be defined as love. First time in her life she felt special. She could be what she had always wanted to be. She could smile, feel beautiful and feel confident about her. He wasn’t around much, yet her entire day, days after days were filled with his thoughts. She was in love for both of them. She was playing both parts, buying gifts for herself, pampering herself, thinking that’s what he would do, if he could do. She was living every moment with him, yet without him.

She wasn’t ready when it happened but then she realized that she had been preparing herself for this moment for the past two years. She knew it at some level already. Small things that she had been ignoring all this while, was slowly knocking at her subconscious. He had become a reflection of her consciousness, he was “the one”. She believed it like she believed her next breath. He was the one… she was the one. His special one!

And then it all came crashing on to her.. Her subconscious and conscious shattered. He was cheating all this while. He was cheating for past two years. He wasn’t cheating on her, he was cheating with her. He was married, had a daughter and she wasn’t the one. She was the other one.

Suddenly she was standing on the other side. She was the other woman, probably one among many other women. She felt foolish, she felt disgusted, she felt violated and she had no one else to blame but herself.

She trusted that feeling in her heart, she believed it to be love. As her subconscious was trapped on a "penrose stairs", she was walking, trying to climb up, get out of here, yet she could reach no where. He had infected her mind, deeply and irreversibly.  “If this wasn’t love, nothing can be”. Funny thing about belief is, you cant really undo it. So her whole being slowly turned to someone so different that if the two personalities of hers would have met at some point, they would have come across as a total stranger to each other. She lived under a shadow, an emotionless, worthless woman who had nothing to believe in. He went on with his life. She tried, and yet inside her heart what she once believed kept growing like a cancer. “If that wasn’t love, nothing can be”.

5 years later, she does not even remember his face, his smell, his words, his touch but she remembers what it felt like to be cheated, cheated on and cheated with. She craves to feel what it felt like before, to be loved, to belong, to feel special again but all she can feel is the fear of never coming out of this. Never being able to let go, get over this as his devious creepy laugh is still piercing what’s left of her heart.  His laughter echoes in her mind and reminds her every day “if that wasn’t love, nothing can ever be”. She looks in the mirror and sees those lost eyes. She wasn’t special, she was just available. She wasn’t the one, she was “The other one”!!

Super-troubled-heroes

In a galaxy far far away, amidst the super metals and super cool grey green exteriors, was born a man who travelled all the way here, in our world, to be called the Superman. He had muscles that could give Mr. World of any year, run for his money. Eyes so blue and yet so green, that you could gasp for air and wish to be a fish. He had the best fashion sense. A suit that could showcase the perfect muscles and who else could have thought of cutting sky blue with scarlet red and just a hint of crimson yellow? He had sparkling white, all natural teeth that needed no floss. Hair groomed so well that hair gel came in fashion. And just think about his powers. Best of all, a man who could see through anything except graphite. Whohoa!!!…. And, girls don’t wear graphite, how cool is that.

No wonder he is called superman, for he can lift a gal in his arms and when he takes her for a ride he really can take her to moon and back. So a man of this caliber should have no girl problem right?!!

Wrong!!!

He is in love with a gal who married someone else while he was away visiting his planet. Well his fault. He took her for granted and went vacationing without telling her. He is so madly in love that at night he silently stalls in the air outside her home just looking at her. How lame for a man who could have it all… any girl but then such is the curse of love. He is doomed for eternity.

Then came a man, who rose up to be a hero by sharing his nightmares with his enemies. Man with the best automobile in the world. A tumbler, a tank..ohh wait the Batmobile. He could have had anyone in the world. After all, a little black dress can never go wrong. How smart is that. You think??

His childhood playmate becomes a lawyer who doesn’t have to wear a black cloak. Big shot lawyer, who says okay keep loving me but I’d be back in life only when this ‘little black dress’ is not needed. On top of that she has an affair and our poor hero keeps flying here and there saving her life every now and then. He climbs on top of a minaret at night, stand stills and thinks. It’s needless to say, boy he is so screwed!!

Do I even begin with Spiderman? Bitten by a spider, so ashamed that he wears a complete mask, revealing not even his eyes.  Kisses a gal upside down only to find out that his mega rich best friend is interested in the aspiring actress.

Ever wondered why every superheroe has a lady interest in their life and they just stay troubled. Does that mean anything? Does that mean that even super heroes just want to stay troubled? Move on buddy there are zillions of them and you are only one of your kind. I fail to understand with such great powers (which comes with great responsibility as Spidy says) why their love life remains so screwed up? Even though they are on a mission to save the world somehow it always comes down to saving the love interest. Quirky isn’t it?

So if you are a guy, normal, fairly okay or devastatingly handsome, it does not matter. Trust me if a cape, well toned body and flying up up away cant do it, nothing can. Man or superman, when it comes to girls its always complicated. A girl may say that “it does not matter who you are underneath but the actions that you take”… but when it comes to settling down she would look, evaluate and have her own opinion on what’s underneath. You are no superhero so you’ll marry her and then comes the day when she’ll say now I know what was underneath. She would complain of masking your true self. She’ll complain about being misunderstood but the fact is she herself does not know what’s underneath her. A girl always thinks that she knows her man and once you are done with (read this married) she would be the first one to say ‘I thought you to be someone else’. Well whose fault is that? But dare you ask her that.

Ever seen the Catwoman or Supergirl getting attached with any man? That’s the point. Being a girl I know how manipulative our breed is. And its so unconsciously done that 90% of my breed would not even agree of being manipulative. Trust me sister; when you shed a tear it does jerk something in a man’s heart. A man has a different psychology and physiology but he would mend his mind and body (lets not get soulful here) so that he does not have to see you cry.

In the world all men are equally troubled. Infact super heroes are super troubles as they have the super power to hang outside the girl’s window and yet they cant do a thing. The misery continues as men wants to become the superheroes for ladies. Trust me on this a gal will always have a superhero in her mind and nothing a man does can be a match for her imagination. So quit trying and be the man that you are rather the one she wants you to be. There are no happily ever after in anyone’s life so fight with her, tell her what you don’t like about her and be ready to hear the list she may have about you. She may not like a hundred things in you but if she loves you, just like  Rachel or Lois she will choose you over super heroes.

So boys if you are seeking for love you are seeking for some trouble. Trouble that would make you smile without any reason. So stay in love and stay troubled as even superheroes cant seem to have enough of it!!!

Hoping against hope

I was walking with earphones plugged in my ears and still I could not keep the maddening noises out of my head. I was walking in a Trans. I knew in my heart he would not make it this time. As I was getting closer to the him, the nervousness bubbling inside me, wanted the roads to go on. I was afraid to reach his bedside, I was afraid to face him I was hoping against hope that I do not have to deal with this on my own.

She was sitting at his bedside chanting Mahamrituyanjaya. There was no sound in the room other than ECG beeps. The only sign telling her that he was still there. She knew he would make it. She knew in her heart that her faith would not let her down.

I tried to delay hoping that the inevitable will be delayed. But, I had to face it eventually. I entered the room and the silence engulfed me. I touched her in assurance but inside I was shaking. I hoped she would not notice it. I was afraid to touch him. Somehow that beep was not assuring me. I read the graph, betraying her faith. His breathing, the gasps for air did not look natural. In my mind I joined her in mahamrtiyunajay jaap, hoping against hope that I have misread the graph.

I could read in everyone’s eyes that there is nothing left to be done. I hugged her because I wanted to be held. She broke down into tears and asked me if he can make it. Can he come back now? I could not lie. Hoping against hope that he would, he should. I just nodded my head in ‘no’ and then I joined her in a hot stream of tears. Her whole life she had been nothing but a wife and  suddenly her whole existence was a bleak shadow of nothingness. Wife, who was hoping against hope, was allowed to be stubborn and fight for her husband’s life. She had undeniable faith in God, He could not do this to her.

I could not be stubborn, I had no belief, I had faith in none. I had no one to hold me and tell me this is life. I was staring at death and it scared me. The darkness of loneliness was clouding in my head. I looked at her and saw the darkness in her eyes. It reminded of the dark meadows in my own eyes. How could I be stubborn and ask for something which was not mine. How could I pray and ask for you, when your heart was not into me.

It was time for us to let go. Let go of what she has had all her life. Let go of someone I wanted for my life. Let go of someone I felt was my life.

That night both of us were alone, stripped from the feeling of belonging to someone. The world could see that on her face and my face betrayed nothing. How could I have lost something that never belonged to me? How could I have lost you when it felt like I never had you? The part of me which said that we belong together was turning into a fragment of my imagination. Hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day to realize that the day was just a nighmare. Hoping against hope that I can have the same faith, to fight for what I want. Hoping against hope... that what I want is true!

Nothing Significant

March 15^th 2012 around 8:45 pm I met with a significantly small accident and ended up having insignificant bruises, scars, scratches and few other injuries. But this has opened a significantly wide path of philosophy on life.

No, I did not fall off my 6 inch heels and struck my head on wall to have a reality check on life. It was my first ever road accident, in the time when I have been saying a lot to myself “मैं मर हीं क्यूँ नहीं जाती”, whenever I feel helpless, like a puppet with thread in someone else’s hand.  I thought death will solve all the problems since there isn’t anything significant waiting for me in future. Something I may look forward to.

And then, when the death stares you, you don’t even realize it. The reaction time is so small that the brain seizes to think, its just reflex to avoid what’s approaching you. There is no pain, no fear, no sadness it was such a small fraction of second that I did not even scream for my life. But when it re-runs in my head, it’s all in slow motion and I see things in movie clips. I have no idea how it happened. No idea what else could have happened but I am just glad that there was nothing significant.

The re-run clip starts with the Activa, exactly perpendicular to my vehicle, right in front of me. Was it the drizzle; or was it oil on the road that made it skit? I do not know. All I have is the flashing memory of sparks coming out of that vehicle. The reflex took over, I had to avoid so I put my brakes and next thing that I know is, I was there lying in weird angle on the road. I have no idea how far was I carried or if my vehicle left a fleet of spark all around and how many brakes were pulled to avoid us. Yes now that I replay, I can see it in a mix of Bollywood- Hollywood action drama sequence. Rohit Shetty’s vehicle making a 90 degree turn on the ground with sparks all around. The screeching sound and then blink it goes dim. flash again and  a girl is lying in the middle of the road under a dozen headlights. The drizzle; as she gets up and looks around, a little shaken and far from the realization of what just happened. The sound of horns and tyres screeching on forceful brakes. But it was all mute. I could hear nothing. The first realization was that my ear pugs had come off and there was still a faint echo of the song in my mind. “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”. It all runs in slow motion but it happened all too sudden and I was back on my leg unsure of what am I supposed to do. Someone helped me pick my vehicle when he saw me bending towards it. I had not realized that It had carried itself away from me. I was sure my Tani baby would have been hurt too. No, she was fine. A few scratches here and there but the activa was shattered, so I had avoided that collision. I had avoided hitting them straight, and so many vehicles had avoided hitting us. The reality never hit me that I was in the middle of the road until a red car, still fresh in my memory, gently kissed my leg, as I was crossing the road. I was crossing the road without even looking at the traffic still trying to make way avoiding the mishap. That was my first realization that I was in the middle of the road. Before that somehow the entire universe had come down to a bleak core of nothingness.

While driving home from that point, I had mixed feelings. Nervous system was back switching on one nerve at a time. Something was hurting and some folders in my mind were rebooting.

I was suddenly glad for so many insignificant things like the road was one way, there were no hi power bus right behind me and above all even though I had no idea what just happened in that 30 seconds, but I was glad that I was alive. I was glad that I was.

Next 40 minutes of drive made me face the reality that life really is insignificant at the point when it meets the end. Unlike stories, “the end” makes everything insignificant for the one who has it. I would have felt nothing, the life that I have and the things that I want would have meant nothing as it would have lost its existence. No hurt, no pain no ambition and depression would have mattered. Everything that I am about would have come to an end at that point. I wouldn’t even have had a chance to say my goodbyes.

I know as days pass, the memory will go dimmer and one day, what I have experienced would loose the impact that it has right now. But I don’t want to let go of that moment when there was the silence amid chaos, the sluggish seconds that felt like an eternity. And the distant echo of the song replying that last line over and over “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”

The significance of my life would be if I am remembered by those I love. Acknowledged by lives, I come in touch with everyday. Would I be remembered long? I shall be missed by my friends and family but I know as the time goes on, their life would still go on. After all I am just a chapter in their life. I hope to be a significant enough chapter. A cherished and happy chapter. That’s all we all are here for. Our own life is the book consisting of many chapters of the people and experiences. But the minute this book comes to an end we know that no one gets to read it. We are our own writer and the life is one book no one can read the way you have lived it. The minute it ends, it’s the end of everything significant to you. So lets just keep writing and be a beautiful chapter in each others life.

Back home, when I told my brother, what happened and then he started small talk about insignificant stuff like how many chillies in ¾ Kg of potato, I realized how glad I was to have that silly conversation. How glad I was to hear him say “dhyan se raha kar” and how glad I am to still be able to share this experience.

Its possible that very few will read it. Very few may find it a good piece. I have written this to remember it, every time I read it. The experience that made me realize that how much ever my life may suck at times, it may have insecurities and helplessness that I cant get what I want, I may feel that the decision I have taken on my life, leaves me with nothing great to look forward to. But then I have realized, as we live, there is nothing significant about our life if we loose it. There is nothing I would have known or felt if it would have come to an end. No pain no desire.

So I am glad to be alive, to walk this life, gathering experiences, hoping I would have what I desire…as the line still echoes in my mind “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”… nothing significant but a Life!!!!

Lovebruary...

February- the month we brew love!!!

Just like every other girl, all my life I have been trying to find that one person who would love me for who I am. Blame it on being born as Aries, believing in miracles and being just hopelessly romantic, does not help much otherwise. But should I really blame this on my sun sign? I am drawn towards mind more that anything. There is an ongoing analysis in my head to decode the thought process of whoever I meet. I don’t judge (no, seriously) but I am just curious to an extent that if there was a scientific  tool called “mind decoder”, I would have had that junk. And who captivates me? Just like Edward in Twilight, I fall for one whose mind is beyond me. Who can keep me thinking about him just because I can not figure out what he has been thinking.

Someone once said to me that love is nothing but a state of hallucination. I am not very sure if I buy that but it sure does make sense. A state of hallucination, where everything looks foggy, yet beautiful. We are so caught up with the emotional “high” that we let the one we love, get away with almost anything. Something he said or did would hurt for a while but do we feel the pain?… No!!! Its only when the drug wears off…there is pain, desperation and a feeling of being completely at loss. You look back and you don’t even remember the path you have been walking on. There is this hangover of love, when there is a nagging buzz in the head and a headache that makes you feel like shit. Love sure is a drug, an addiction. When the supply is over it makes you desperate to cling on to anything, something to fill the mind with and hopelessly we try to find just another small dose to keep us alive.

But isn’t Love just a hyped emotion? Probably the most talked and discussed about human emotion in the world. Every one will market that drug free of cost and would say that it makes you feel alive and gives you positivity. then why is it that pain becomes synonym of true love? Is it our obsession for pain? Pain looks real, makes us look tougher and makes us look a bigger person in our head. May be that's why they say the path of love is always thorny. After all, we all want to be a bigger person, living for a "cause". And believe it or not, love has a fair share in everyone's "cause" of who they are.

So undeniably I am not untouched from love either. It has touched me, made me smile unreasonably, made my stomach churn, made me skip so many beats and at times made me feel like a shit. It has made me derive a hundred hypotheses on the course of events  of my life. I have taken the plunges and I have surfaced. I have hoped against hopes of being together and I have hoped that one day I’ll be able to reason myself of why I feel the way I feel. What is the reason that makes someone so special? If this time it’s real, why did it take so long to reach here? There were days when I had given up all hopes of being together and still a tiny flicker said I am still praying every single day. I have tried cutting all ties thinking that I have brought bad luck, that its just not meant to be and then I have asked myself if this is not supposed to be why did this happen. Why did I fall so miserably? Questions, even Google can not answer. Questions that when answered would loose its meaning. The state of hallucination, remember? These questions aren’t supposed to be answered. These questions create that fog in the head that keeps us all, especially me, walking on this road filled with confusions. I seek drama in life and so I like it this way. Not knowing what the future awaits, not knowing if I am right or wrong. It feels so right to be together and feels so wrong to adjure anyone for our togetherness. I have never wished for anything for myself then why do I need to ask for something that feels so mine? So I pray to be strong to let go  and the answer I get is, “I” am the one who is holding on. One of my favourite song has a line “ I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all”. So, how much ever hurt I may, I choose this. I choose to walk all scarred. Choose to stay this way still believing that “Miracle happens to those who believe in it”. One day you will also believe that you are my miracle. Till then, happily confused, happily starry eyed and miserably in love…   and JFTR Happy Valentine ’s Day!!!

This time it’s personal.

Happy friendship’s day gals… we have completed 5 years of us being just friends… not classmates/batch mates but just by the way friends.

Raga:

Remember the first year final exams when you were crying on the eve of Stats paper, I knew I had to revise but I also knew I had to be with you. I don’t know why I felt that I had to take care of you. You have this nervous energy of a child around you, anyone infected with that, feels protective about you. I have known it since then that I had to take care of you and I hope I did a good job all these years. But then I have seen you growing up and taking care of others, specially taking care of me. Thank you for knowing that I needed you even when I display it in bolds that I don’t need anyone. Those nights when you woke up to find me staring at the ceiling and said “ kya soch rahi hai so ja”… I knew you were worried about me, I was about you too gal. I knew you already had enough to worry about and I need to give you your space. Thinking of living separately those last few months was the toughest decision but we both knew that was the only solution. You could cry, I could not… I am glad you found a family again, you’ve always been a family person unlike me but I hope I would always be a part of your family like you are mine!!!

The only regret in last 5 yrs that I have is that I could not be with you to share your joy of marriage… I had something else in mind and probably that’s why “that” did not happen. But hey things happen when and how they are meant to. I was meant to be friends with you and spoil you. Miss free flow you are one special nut case and you do know that.

I know that you have doting daily soap type family and you may not miss my 24X7 entertainment. But hey you can still miss me a little…. Miss me whenever you try any of my egg recipes. Whenever you apply kajal you do know you can see me in the mirror standing behind you. Whenever you try more than two outfits while getting ready you do know somewhere I must be doing the same. You know so much about me…things I have told and things you just know…but one thing I am sure you do know that I love you and there are days when I Miss you a lot. Thank you for being a part of my life…my family.

Ekta:

In these five years I have realized that you can take any kind of criticism. So I’ll tell you something to take the burden off me today. First year of our living together was really tough and I know it must have been tough for you too. After all we weren’t really friends then, but like ever since “we were sailing the same boat”. We were both so different and had our differences. I was over sincere student, love struck and I donno what else… may be you can tell me later ( but do remember that I still don’t like people judging me so be a little diplomatic okay? :P). Then I learnt patience from you. I learnt to like you, learnt to see things in your perspective. I had this irritating habit of poking my nose into everything happening around me and advising “solution” whether it’s wanted or not. I learnt to respect your silence; I learnt to maintain a little distance till someone actually comes seeking advice. I actually learnt to keep quite.

And see now, we really are family to each other. We had our fights, we had our differences and we both changed for each other. I have no shame in saying that you have compromised more than me in last 2 years. Proof: you crave for Gobhi Manchurian now and you can eat spicy curry!!

I have already told you that you have a habit of keeping friends only from your present but I know I would be one for life. After all I am the only girl you have kissed… twice!!! One free suggestion, stop worrying about me…you do know I am strong enough to take care of myself…let loose!! I know what we have now, gives a security blanket feeling but gal its time for you to start thinking beyond this. It is time to take that leap of faith and you really do have to go first, this time. Move on and I’ll follow your foot steps.

Remember my booty dance that I do specially for you every weekend morning. Teasing you has always been fun my cheesecake. Miss me cause I sure am going to miss our rebound shopping, impulsive movies outings, discovering coffee joint …just the two of us and a lot of food!!! Those floor slides, hopping on your back, watching you struggle with just a little make up and fighting with you for Raga’s attention… Thank you for not fighting for kitchen rights… cooking is my passion and believe it or not I do not like people fiddling in ‘my’ kitchen… I am a control freak and I know you know that. You know a lot of things about me and probably know it by now that I love you too. Thank you for standing by me all these years, sometimes silently, sometimes with your stupid questions like “tumko bura nahi lagta?” and sometimes with your irritatingly sweet concern. Thank you for being my family.

And, special mention::

Funti,

I probably would have taught you a word or two when you were learning how to speak. I probably would have held your hand when you were learning how to walk and I probably would have given you an advice or two when my brain size was bigger than yours…

I don’t remember when did I start following your steps, when did I start holding your finger in time of need and when did I start listening to you advice…I have no idea when did I became so dependent on you. You are my ultimate refuge, my BFF (owing to the kitchen bitching that we do, we make a hellota better BFF than Paris and Nicole).

I know you always were probably but it took me this long to realize that you are Awesome… to have inner peace at such young age I must say!!!

Every time I keep the phone down after talking to you, I have a feeling that there is just one more thing I need to tell you. I have told you so many times that you are my best friend… tell me just once that I am yours too (… No?...eh I was just taking a chance).

I would have been nothing without you. Thank you for being there always. You ARE my family….. my real school!!! Stay Awesome Po!!!

Anyways JFTR Happy Friendship day to you too bhai!!!

Talaash

She was trying to tell me something for a long time. She tried, really hard but she couldn’t. I wish she had said something before she fell silent. I wish she had said anything before running away from me.

I am desperate to tell her that I was listening to all her silly ideas. I never told her that. It has been long since I have heard from her. It has been ages since I have seen her. I try to find her every now and then. When it rains, I look out hoping to see her. I know she loves rain, she hums in the rain. I know she is shying away in some corner. I know if I look out under that shed, in the corner, I may find her squealing with joy, drenched in rain.

I don’t even remember the last time I had heard her laugh. A full throttle, uncontrollable, infectious laugh. She used to laugh with me secretly even in those gloomy days. I wish I had noticed when she just stopped laughing. I don’t even remember what had made her so silent.

I remember those nights, when I used to sit with her looking at the street light!! It had nothing special but I knew it brought a sparkle in her eyes. Those nights; when I had counted stars with her, looks like a galaxy ago. She knew so many stars. She wanted to be one. Suddenly, one day she had no desire left of being one. Of being anything. It was the night, when she stopped dreaming. I wish I remembered that night but I don’t. If I look out of my window to see the street lights again, would I find her there?

She used to hold her breath during sunset. I have seen the change of colours in her eyes, as sun melted at the edge of the river. I have seen her bitter sweet smile, her anticipation of seeing it over and over every evening. She had dreamy eyes with a hundred stories in them. I don’t remember the last time those stories had a happy ending.

She had an eye for trees. They spoke to her. They were different shades of green, orange, blue and purple. They were her moods. They were how she wanted to be; grounded yet free, branching out to reach the sky. The shade was dark, where she hid her secrets, but it soothe her in the heat. Her trees never bore flowers. I wish I had noticed it then. I wish the last time when I saw a tree without leaves; I had known what she wanted to tell me.

I wish I had sensed her good bye. I don’t even remember how far long back she left me. I wish I could see her one last time. Hold her, hug her and plead her to stay with me forever.

I wish I could find her again. The child in me. The little girl, who had dreams and stories, excitements and disappointments. Only to wake up every morning with a new dream and a smile.

The Bubble Theory

Self assessments::Random thoughts!!!

Which are not so random. It’s a turmoil, an ongoing discussion in my mind. I wonder what it feels like to be Phoebe and have people talking in her head because I am simply exhausted listening to my voice, my own flood of thoughts.

Being Aries can be curse at times when you let someone enter your world. OK!! lets not generalize a sun sign and I should speak for myself.

I had read long back in Linda Goodman’s book that Aries live in their own world. They are just happy and always occupied with their own little things. Obsessed with their hair and always find something so interesting in their nails that the rest of world, standing right in front of their eyes just vanishes.

I feel, I live in a bubble and I am very happy and eager to meet people only until, they don’t try to burst my bubble. It’s very rare that I let anyone enter my bubble but since the bubble I live in is so transparent people don’t really realize that there is anything keeping me shielded. So, those I interact with everyday just assume that what they see is real me. But the fact is even I don’t know the real me and sometimes I wonder who are these people who are so sure of what they are and how they feel. Most of the times I really don’t know what I feel!! If I am sad I am sad and I don’t know why something so silly has affected me. When I am happy there is this music in my bubble and I am just amused. People looking from outside find it funny that I am happy for no reason at all but what they don’t know is that I have another world inside that bubble that they can’t see. A world of my own, world of my dreams, my thoughts, my ideas and mostly the memories I cherish.

My problem starts when I let someone enter the bubble and I don’t know what to do with him/her. It’s even worse if that person has no idea that he has entered my bubble. Its conflicting cause being in the same bubble I want to share everything, after all I am suppose to be a great host. But since he is unaware of the whole bubble thing he just doesn't see my world. Its disappointing and again taking from Linda Goodman, being an Aries, I do behave like a small child… who has been devoid of attention. So I do everything in my hand to gain that attentionback. I do some funny things, some smart things, things to show that hey I am growing up can’t you see that? If all of this doesn’t work then I feel angry and then even if that is not noticed… I cry. Then again, remember I am a baby and I am not suppose to cry for long coz just like a baby I would burn my hands again and again until I grow up and realize that touching the flame does no good.

So how long am I going to cry to get the attention? Until I get what I want or simply start ignoring him/her and look around searching for someone i can count on. Ignoring me is the last thing i expect from anyone. Just acknowledge my presence and i am game for almost anything. But there is this twist in the tale, its very rare that i would come and tell you that you are one of the few lucky ones, who is part of my bubble. you just have to keep looking for the sign i drop here and there. Trust me! i expect you to notice those signs.

All my life I had a silent companion at the edge of my bubble. I don’t know if he is inside but I know for sure he is around. He is there listening to my cribbing, making sure that I know of my short comings, sometimes proud of my little sweet achievements and sometimes just smiling knowingly at my attention seeking tantrums. Trying his best that I do not let undeserving people enter into my bubble and at times even trying to protect my bubble from unwelcoming intruders. My kid brother who stands beside me all grown up, guides me like an elder brother and is a friend I see in none else.

PS:: I had written this piece about a month back when my friends were dissecting me right in front of me and i was pushed to analyse myself. Even some 'strangers' were reporting my quirky traits. They claim to know me better than i know myself so i thought lets give it a try to find what really makes me Me!! After writing this i buzzed my bro with "can i miss you?' and he replied ":P yes you can but then it depends why?"

Its an honest analysis.Just another fact that i really am a bit self obsessed...who else analyses herself just for fun!!!