Nothing Significant

March 15^th 2012 around 8:45 pm I met with a significantly small accident and ended up having insignificant bruises, scars, scratches and few other injuries. But this has opened a significantly wide path of philosophy on life.

No, I did not fall off my 6 inch heels and struck my head on wall to have a reality check on life. It was my first ever road accident, in the time when I have been saying a lot to myself “मैं मर हीं क्यूँ नहीं जाती”, whenever I feel helpless, like a puppet with thread in someone else’s hand.  I thought death will solve all the problems since there isn’t anything significant waiting for me in future. Something I may look forward to.

And then, when the death stares you, you don’t even realize it. The reaction time is so small that the brain seizes to think, its just reflex to avoid what’s approaching you. There is no pain, no fear, no sadness it was such a small fraction of second that I did not even scream for my life. But when it re-runs in my head, it’s all in slow motion and I see things in movie clips. I have no idea how it happened. No idea what else could have happened but I am just glad that there was nothing significant.

The re-run clip starts with the Activa, exactly perpendicular to my vehicle, right in front of me. Was it the drizzle; or was it oil on the road that made it skit? I do not know. All I have is the flashing memory of sparks coming out of that vehicle. The reflex took over, I had to avoid so I put my brakes and next thing that I know is, I was there lying in weird angle on the road. I have no idea how far was I carried or if my vehicle left a fleet of spark all around and how many brakes were pulled to avoid us. Yes now that I replay, I can see it in a mix of Bollywood- Hollywood action drama sequence. Rohit Shetty’s vehicle making a 90 degree turn on the ground with sparks all around. The screeching sound and then blink it goes dim. flash again and  a girl is lying in the middle of the road under a dozen headlights. The drizzle; as she gets up and looks around, a little shaken and far from the realization of what just happened. The sound of horns and tyres screeching on forceful brakes. But it was all mute. I could hear nothing. The first realization was that my ear pugs had come off and there was still a faint echo of the song in my mind. “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”. It all runs in slow motion but it happened all too sudden and I was back on my leg unsure of what am I supposed to do. Someone helped me pick my vehicle when he saw me bending towards it. I had not realized that It had carried itself away from me. I was sure my Tani baby would have been hurt too. No, she was fine. A few scratches here and there but the activa was shattered, so I had avoided that collision. I had avoided hitting them straight, and so many vehicles had avoided hitting us. The reality never hit me that I was in the middle of the road until a red car, still fresh in my memory, gently kissed my leg, as I was crossing the road. I was crossing the road without even looking at the traffic still trying to make way avoiding the mishap. That was my first realization that I was in the middle of the road. Before that somehow the entire universe had come down to a bleak core of nothingness.

While driving home from that point, I had mixed feelings. Nervous system was back switching on one nerve at a time. Something was hurting and some folders in my mind were rebooting.

I was suddenly glad for so many insignificant things like the road was one way, there were no hi power bus right behind me and above all even though I had no idea what just happened in that 30 seconds, but I was glad that I was alive. I was glad that I was.

Next 40 minutes of drive made me face the reality that life really is insignificant at the point when it meets the end. Unlike stories, “the end” makes everything insignificant for the one who has it. I would have felt nothing, the life that I have and the things that I want would have meant nothing as it would have lost its existence. No hurt, no pain no ambition and depression would have mattered. Everything that I am about would have come to an end at that point. I wouldn’t even have had a chance to say my goodbyes.

I know as days pass, the memory will go dimmer and one day, what I have experienced would loose the impact that it has right now. But I don’t want to let go of that moment when there was the silence amid chaos, the sluggish seconds that felt like an eternity. And the distant echo of the song replying that last line over and over “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”

The significance of my life would be if I am remembered by those I love. Acknowledged by lives, I come in touch with everyday. Would I be remembered long? I shall be missed by my friends and family but I know as the time goes on, their life would still go on. After all I am just a chapter in their life. I hope to be a significant enough chapter. A cherished and happy chapter. That’s all we all are here for. Our own life is the book consisting of many chapters of the people and experiences. But the minute this book comes to an end we know that no one gets to read it. We are our own writer and the life is one book no one can read the way you have lived it. The minute it ends, it’s the end of everything significant to you. So lets just keep writing and be a beautiful chapter in each others life.

Back home, when I told my brother, what happened and then he started small talk about insignificant stuff like how many chillies in ¾ Kg of potato, I realized how glad I was to have that silly conversation. How glad I was to hear him say “dhyan se raha kar” and how glad I am to still be able to share this experience.

Its possible that very few will read it. Very few may find it a good piece. I have written this to remember it, every time I read it. The experience that made me realize that how much ever my life may suck at times, it may have insecurities and helplessness that I cant get what I want, I may feel that the decision I have taken on my life, leaves me with nothing great to look forward to. But then I have realized, as we live, there is nothing significant about our life if we loose it. There is nothing I would have known or felt if it would have come to an end. No pain no desire.

So I am glad to be alive, to walk this life, gathering experiences, hoping I would have what I desire…as the line still echoes in my mind “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”… nothing significant but a Life!!!!