Beyond "The End"- Chapter 2

"Did you try Fakira? It used to be your mom's favorite place. I am surprised, its still there.

She couldn't help control her smile at the enthusiasm in her father's voice. He had been calling her every single day. She wasn't used to his calls. As far as she could remember, in all of her 30 years he would not have called her more than once or twice a months. Incidentally, her mother who used to speak to her everyday and more than once in a day; had not spoken to her since she had moved to this small town. She wasn't surprised a bit, she wasn't even angry, she probably understood the disappointment her mother must have felt because of the recent turn of events. She would ask her father every time, if Maa was around. Every time he would casually answer that her mother was busy doing something and she would call her in some time.

A week passed and she was getting used to this life in the small town. Going to work in the morning, wearing that yellow helmet for no reason and yet taking a pride in it. People wore a different kind of pride in their work. People here respected her as if she was someone. This wasn't Mumbai where she had worked for first 5 years of her life. Where she was part of a crowd and was virtually no one. In this town and in this company she was virtually no one but people around her acknowledged her and made her feel that she was someone.

She needed that. She needed that little dose of recognition, of acknowledgement and that small town feel to boost her moral. The time was moving at a strange pace. Some days it will feel like a distant memory and somedays it would remind her of that "life" like it was just yesterday. Her mother had started talking to her again though it was almost like past 5 years were completely erased from her mother's book. She never referenced anything, even remotely related to her life in Mumbai. 

Ammu asked her one evening, "Do you want to go to the club this weekend? It has been years since I have been to the club you know after your Uncle passed away. Vidhya was telling me that they are organizing some function this new year. We can also go the Book Fest on the way".

She knew that Ammu was making an effort to get her to socialize once again. It has been 6 months that she had moved in with Ammu. They had found comfort in the company of each other and past 6 months had really healed her to an extent. She liked the fact that Ammu never probed her and yet suggested and encouraged her in things that will get her out of the depression.

She agreed to go to Club as well as Book fair. She made a point that she will have to get Amu's car fixed one of these days. That night when she was making these notes in her mind, without realizing she slept with her lights on.

That night for the first time in the last 6 months, she had a dream...of him.

... Oh Neeru I am so happy that you are with me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I never thought I'll see this day. The suddenly she was in a bridal dress and he was smiling at her. He wasn't the groom, he was just standing there smiling at her. She saw him and then she tried to look at the groom. She struggled in her dreams to look at the face of his groom. It was him. She was sure of that. But he looked different, he looked angry and it scared her. 

She woke up with a shiver. She was startled, anxious and scared. She thought she was crying in her dream but then she realized that she was still crying. She got up and had some water. As she was stitching off the lights in the room, she could see from her window that in the adjacent flat a fainted light was still on. She thought she saw someone or may be she imagined.

She struggled to sleep again and finally fell asleep as the blast furnace turned the sky orange in the early morning hours.

Beyond "The End"- Chapter 1

She woke up with a stiff neck from the night long interrupted sleep in the bus. She massaged her neck slightly and tried to understand how far she had reached. She could make out that they were about to enter the town. She checked her mobile and saw four missed calls from her father. She knew he was concerned about her safety but she did not want to call him right away. She sipped a little water and tried to doze off again.

Two hours later, she was at the bus stop with a small piece of paper in her hand. The auto rickshaw drivers were hovering around her. Everyone seemed interested to know where she wants to go. After 20 minutes of discussion, in which she had minimal inputs to give, she decided to give up. She started following the driver who had somehow managed to win this episode of discussion and was walking really fast with her luggage.

She was beginning to like this town. Early morning roads were being cleaned by ladies wearing blue uniform. Few auto rickshaws were rushing towards schools. Trees marked the edges of the road and huge trees were dividers of the road. She liked the green serenity of the city. There were small fields with a carpet of dew laden green grass. In the horizon she could see the silhouette of a plateau.  She saw small food vendors preparing to start their day. She crossed an open market filled with fresh vegetables and enthusiastic crowd. The town was waking up to welcome her.

She rang the bell and waited patiently for the door to open. Her toes were curled in nervousness, but her face showed nothing. The door was opened and a home made fresh south Indian breakfast’s aroma greeted her first. The lady was standing there to greet her with a smile that reminded her of her childhood and misty eyes which brought her to present in the same second. She bent down to touch “Ammu’s feet and was in ammu’s warm hug that told her everything will be fine. As Ammu closed the door behind her and lead her to the guest room she knew finally the doors were opening in her life.

Few hours later….

“…hmmm no no she is fine with this arrangement. She did not say anything”

She waited for her father to go on and tell her that she could not live like this forever. She heard patiently when he told her that she still has time and she can go back to him. “After all he is her father”. If nothing else past one and half year had taught her patience. It had taught her to listen. Listen without disagreement; listen without judging it and listening without answering.

“…hmmm” she said numerous times and finally came a pause at the other end; she realized she was supposed to answer something. “Okay. I think you are right but now that I am here let me just see if it works out after all”. She knew her father would not give up so easily. But he did hang up eventually, for this time.

Deal

It was a mixed feeling, anticipation and nervousness bubbling in my stomach. I thought of blaming it on my sleepless night. Well, and what do I blame the sleepless night on? I was coming home. I could see my favourite place in the world, playing hide and seek beneath the clouds.

I signed on the immigration form and restrained myself from drawing a smiley. I had not realized how happy I was to be back. Jobless and yet happy? What am I so happy about? Seeing those friends, I have seen past two years only on facebook or that one person whom I had not seen in almost two years. Only if he was social on networking!! Only if I had one last time to see him, to say my goodbye!

A man who lived by his rules or may be bound by his own rules, so much that his own rules could not let him fit in a person like me. He wasn’t my friend but he was there every single day of my life. He was there to scold me, be angry with me, guide me, and walk with me, sometimes amused with my chirpiness and above all welcoming me in spite of knowing how alien I was in his world.

The airhostess asked me if I needed another cup of coffee. I smiled, nodded yes. Suddenly I was holding another cup of coffee two years ago.

His coffee cup was standing cold and neglected, He was worried. He wouldn’t let me know this but he was. You should have called me. You know the board will question you. Forget about transcript..you could have called me from their office itself!!

I knew it wasn’t anger. It was his helplessness, that was frustrating him. I knew I should have called him. I should have informed him, before signing on the deal. He knew me enough to know that it was inevitable but he could foresee the next board meeting and he knew I was going to be questioned. Forget it lets have a cup of coffee…lets celebrate the deal. We’ll see whatever happens in the meeting.

Another announcement brought me back in present momentarily and I finished my cup of coffee. The song on the in-flight entertainment system was playing distantly in my mind. My mind has teleported to the fateful meeting. I was prepared for every question. I knew I needed board’s consent before signing the deal. But, it was a good deal, actually the best deal till date and I was sure the board would understand my situation. I was sure it would pass. He was worried unnecessarily.

I was never late for the meeting but that day everyone else were early. As I walked in seven pairs of eyes weighed me. I smiled and took my seat. The meeting had just begun with our monthly status report and bamm… the deal!! Yes it was a good deal everyone agreed but I saw the sweat breaking out on his face. I knew he would try to protect me and the voice in my head told me but why? And how long? I had done nothing wrong.

The long impending question was thrown at my face. “You can not sign the deal without the board’s consent. You were aware that you were misusing your position!” Mr Hydes voice showed no sign of emotion as he threw the question on my face.

What!! I was baffled, of all the questions I had prepared for, this wasn’t the one. I was misusing my position? How?? By signing the best deal the company had ever had?

All I could say was “I am aware that I was supposed to have your consent, but look at the figures, don’t you agree with the deal? Trust me there was no time… I tried mailing the new transcript of the agreement before signing but my service was blocked.”

"That’s not the point. It is a good deal but you took decision for the company all by yourself. We are a team Ms Parashar, it’s not your personal company. You can not take personal decisions, good or bad.”

The bitterness was still in the air when he cleared his throat, and all eight pairs of eyes, including mine, turned at him, “I was informed” that’s all he said. Nothing more, nothing less. He was trying to protect me once again.

Everyone was silent. I was looking at my papers, trying to control my impulse. I should have let it pass. Let the question die in the silence. But I just could not. I was being questioned on my integrity. After seven years to this company, thinking of it as my own company from day one and I get to hear that its my ‘personal’ decision. Yes it is. My every decision is personal, because I felt this company was an extension of me.

There were a couple of whispers, but nobody wold speak out.

I looked straight into Mr Hydes and said, “ Mr Arora was  informed only because he chose to. He knew my preparation for this agrrement. He could see a possibility this giant and he can understand the situation I was in. He knows that it was in the interest of the company that I signed the deal without any hesitation. He knows that if I could have I would have waited for your consent”

“What bothers me is how you can not see that? How can it be a personal decision? I have gained no personal benefit from this deal still I am being questioned for what…for being true to the company?”

There was a long unnerving silence before My Hydes spoke, “ you don’t get it do you? You think you are free spirited and can take decisions independently? This is just unprofessional.You took a decision without anybody’s consent and signed with another company. You were supposed to be representing us. Representing the company and then company could have taken a decision. You just signed for us without bothering to take our consent.Tomorrow you would sign another deal without us being aware and then do you expect us to sit and applaud? With Mr CEO’s favouritism towards you who knows one day…”

His anger was very apparent when he cut Mr Hydes in the middle, “what favouritism?” No one spoke. He was questioning his best friend. Someone who had helped him start this company. Suddenly, the air felt so heavy on my shoulder.

I don’t know what has incepted this whole idea of favouritism, but I had heard that many times behind my back. Today it was out in open, on the conference table staring at me. Yes, he did favour me, may be because he could see himself in me. We shared every single idea; every single deal was our triumph. We were not friends, but there was something that had connected us in last seven years. Perhaps we both spoke the same language.

Noone answered his question. No narration of all those stories that were shared at the coffee machine. No one brought the question on the table that how did a girl  get to be in the boards with such less experience in the company. None was spoken still I could see those questions and insecurities clouding their mind. Mr Hydes was quiet too. He was just looking at his friend, his partner in the company from day one.  

I could not see that anymore. “I am resigning from the board and from the company”

He did not even look at me. 

Another board member said, “no you don’t have to. We apologise for the personal comment. All we need is a justification for not informing the board prior to the deal”

Mr Hydes was looking down. He did not say a thing either.

“I know I don’t have to but I do. I can not work like this. I respect the board but I have some self respect too.”

I looked at him across the table, my eyes were a little misty and his indifference left me with a chill when he said “its your personal decision”.

“You’ll have the resignation letter in an hour.” I was speaking to him. Somehow rest of the people had become invisible.

I could not hold my tears any longer and so I had walked out of that meeting. I had paid my dues instead of serving the notice period because I was so disappointed in him. How could he let me go, let me do this. I was angry with him for saying that resignation was my personal decision.

It had taken me three months to get over that episode, find myself a new passion in Paris.

Only when I reached Paris, I had realized my mistake. He wasn’t being indifferent. He wanted me to realize my space. He wanted me to fight for what was right. Resignation was like leaving a war without battle. It had taken me six months to reach to a point when I could see what he had meant. I had disappointed him too!

The announcement said that we had reached the Indira Gandhi International airport.

I was walking towards the luggage claim, switching on my mobile. I called home that I had reached safely and I would call them once I have the local number connected.

I had called him from the local booth at Paris, after eight months of silence. He had immediately recognized my voice. “ Nidhi.. ohh thank God you are okay. You know how worried I was that your phone was not reachable…”

Almost one year, we had been in touch over phone, chat but we had never discussed about the company. The work that had connected us was never a topic of discussion and still there was something that had kept us together. He never was my friend but he was there as always.

I took my bags and started walking towards the exit sign. I was back home after an year and nine months. My phone vibrated as I walked out of the door, I saw his name flashing… I smiled but before I could pick it up, the call got disconnected. I walked ahead and it blinked his name again. I was going to take the call but again ... disconnected. And then, I heard him call out my name, “ Nidhi look up here!!!”

There he was holding a placard that read “Ms Nidhi Parashar”

I could not believe my eyes. He had come all the way to pick me up. “ what are you doing here?”

“you always used to complain that no one ever comes to pick you up at airport with a placrd!!...so here I am.”

“..at 4:30 in the morning… are you mad!” I extended my hand for a handshake but he hugged me tight.

“I couldn’t wait any longer. Welcome back!! You have had enough of your little adventure and drama in life. I’ll drop you off at home after a cup of coffee ofcourse!…sleep tight and meet me tomorrow in our new office. I have some brilliant ideas that you would be thrilled to…”

I was already thrilled!! I was back and this time I knew I belonged here.

We walked towards the coffee day and he was already explaining his new business idea to me. I couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm and the ease with which he made me part of his world again.

He wasn’t my friend. He was someone I shared my dreams with.

The Sand Castle

The coastal breeze was welcoming as the afternoon was turning into a pleasant evening. A boy and a girl were walking along with plenty of time to play on this beautiful beach.

The girl saw a beautiful clear spot on the beach. She told her friend, ‘listen I have a bucket and a spatula, why don’t we build a castle here. You see the sand is perfectly moist here and away from the shore. Its just perfect!’

The boy liked the idea immediately. He always liked creating something new. He took the bucket and spatula from his friend and started craving a castle.

He would look up now and then to see the girl's face lighting up as the castle started shaping up. He was very pleased himself too. He did not know he could do this. He did not know that he had it in him to build a sand castle. He was surprised to know that in front of his eyes there was a new creation unfolding.

But then, the girl said ‘No! that’s not how I want it’. He waited for her to continue with the sand filled in the spatula. She explained ‘you see if you make that tower higher the front of the castle will look small’

She is right he thought. She probably can see it better. So he undid his tower and started working on the castle just the way she wanted it. It was almost done. He could almost see it in all its glory. The last dome and he would be proud owner of his own sand castle. His work was coming alive.  Then she said again ‘no no no.. that’s all wrong. That’s not how I want my castle’

He stood up with sand slipping out of his hands. ‘your castle?’

‘How is it your castle? I have made it with my two hands. Atleast say its our castle’. As soon as he said that he knew he did not feel that it belonged to both of them. He felt it was all his. His work… his creation.

She looked at him and the castle. ‘but that’s not how I want the castle to look like. With that dome it will be…like…’

He wasn’t even listening to her now. He was just staring at the castle...his hard work and he realised that he may have started it with her idea but it certainly wasn’t for her. He just wanted to create something new. May be he wanted to prove something but he wanted to prove it to himself. 

'This isn’t your castle'. He said; more to tell himself, than to her.

She was a little taken back and unpleased  now. ‘wasn’t this my idea? My bucket and my pstula?’ 'I was the one to have thought of it... then whats the problem if you make the stupid dome the way I want. I don’t understand why it's such a big deal for you’

Yes the idea was hers. She was right. She had thought of a beautiful castle at this perfect spot. She even had the bucket and spatula to built this castle. He could just demolish the whole damn thing and return it back the way it was...a beautiful piece of land. In fact better… he would fill her bucket with sand and return. But he could not bring himself to destry something he had created with so much passion. So, he returned her bucket and said ‘here you go! You are right… you can have it just the way you want it. But I gotta go..’ with that he gave her a sad smile, looked at his castle one last time and walked off.

She looked at him walking away and exclaimed ‘ what is the big deal? All for a stupid dome?’ guys!!! She finished the castle and went to the shore to wash off the sand from her hand. The sun had turned crimson red and as she walked back, she saw the castle glowing golden in the setting sun's hue. She was filled with contentment. Wasn’t she right!! This was just perfect. It stood tall, shimmering gold as the sun melted down in the sea. She sat there for a while, next to the castle, a little happy yet a little sad...alone!

It was getting dark now and she had to go home. She started walking slowly.. 

The full moon was bright and tides were getting closer to the castle. She turned to look at her castle one last time to see the boundry of the castle being washed away with the tide!








p.s:the story has a hidden meaning... the idea crept in my mind in a conversation to put my thoughts across the table metaphorically ( yes i am diplomatic). Tell me who do you relate to- the boy or the girl and what significance you can derive of the end.

Crossroads

He paused in middle of the side walk and took his iphone plugs out. She was sitting on the park bench just two hands away from him. He could only see her side profile. With the sun on her back, her face was in the shadow. From where he looked., her hair was falling on her face as she was leaning over the book that she was reading. A smile had appeared on his face without his own notice.

He was pulled towards her, he stood behind her with the park fence between them and said “Hey you”

She did not turn; she did not jump on his voice. He thought he saw her stir a little but then he might have just imagined it.

A long moment had passed and she had not even looked up from her book. He cursed himself under his breath. May be its not her…after all it’s been more than four years!!!

He was about to turn and leave to avoid an awkward encounter with a total stranger, and then she looked up from the book. Without getting up from the bench she just turned and looked up at him.

It was her.

Four years seemed like four minutes to him. She had not changed a bit. He was laughing, he realised. A surprise, a nice and warm surprise. He had not thought of her in years and he could not believe how happy he was to see her.

She smiled back. He knew she was a little shaken but her face revealed nothing. Her smile was impersonal and aloof. She wasn’t the person he had known. She wasn’t the fighter he had witnessed. She was calm and composed, almost to the point that it appeared as if she had foreseen him walking this road today.

She got up and extended her hand to shake his. “ Hey!!” it was the same voice he had forgotten over the years. He shook her hand over the fence. It felt awkward. What was I expecting.. a hug??

He tried not to sound jerked. “ hey wassup!!! How come you are here? I thought you were settled in US.”

“You thought about me… huh?

Same wit and sarcasm!! “No.. yes.. I mean last, when I had heard of you, you were planning to settle down in US. So…”

She opened her mouth to say something but did not say a word. Instead she looked at their hands. He was still holding her hand. He let it go. She was still looking at him but he knew she had probably drifted into the past to the last time they had spoken to each other. It appeared so far away.

He jumped the fence to bridge the gap between them and stood next to her. Without a word they both sat on the bench next to each other. The pages of her book fluttered.

“So, what’s the story?” he asked her.

 She picked her book and looked at him. Her eyes were a little misty but her tongue was not tied anymore. She waggled the book on his face and said “ I thought four years would have taught you how to read... ”

The mischievousness in her tone was back. Was he glad about that? He was not sure anymore. He was not sure if he was glad to see her. He had forgotten her over the years then why sitting next to her felt so normal. Why looking at her did not fill his mind with inevitable questions. Husband!!? It felt so unreal but the undeniable truth was that she was married. He could not understand why she still looked the same. His woman!!

Before he could say anything, she said “So what’s your story Danny? What brings you here?

“I am working on a project here. My first week and I ran into you.  Crazy isn’t it? But what are you doing in Bristol?”

“I live here”

“ahh.. the traveller in you or your husband is making you take a world tour huh? ” he did not mean to but he could sense the retort in his own voice.

She looked at him and smiled. “I live here and work here”

She had still not said a word about her husband. Why? He wondered.

“What about you? Your wife is accompanying you? “

“No.. she would be joining me in a month. VISA issue.”

Yes, they both were married! The truth just hit him. Was she looking at him the same way he was looking at her? Suddenly last four years did not matter. He had reached out to her, all of those four years ago.

“Do you?” she had asked him. “Well do you want to or you don’t?” her question was echoing in his mind. It had travelled four years to stall in this moment.

He looked at her, unsure of what to say. A lock of her curls had escaped and was bothering her. He felt a compulsion to do something about it. His hand still remembered the touch of her hair.

“Her poky broom” he remembered teasing her and both of them smiled at the same time. As if she knew what he was thinking, she put the lock behind her ears and asked “still bother you?”

He laughed and nodded ‘yes’. She hit him jokingly and then awkwardly pulled her hand back. He felt that awkward jerk too. He had not realised how much he had missed her, teasing her, fighting with her and loving her. He wondered if she felt the same way. She read his mind again and replied “initially I missed you a lot. Every single day I hoped that you would realise what were you going to loose.”

She paused and he did not know if he was supposed to answer to that. He  was looking at his shoe laces and she said again “… but I guess you did not loose anything. You married the one you wanted to, the one you were destined to and I am sure you both are really happy.” There was a bright smile on her face. He knew it was genuine.

“ Marriage is no big deal, didn’t I tell you so” he tried to lighten it up.

“hmmm you did.”

“So what’s your big deal? Where is your husband?”

“..in US”

“… and you here!!..are you…is he.. did he..??”

“Chose NOT to be with me?” she finished his question and then after a pause finished her thought “…just like you!?”

He did not answer. What was he supposed to say when she still thought he had chosen that. He had not. He did not know what to say. He was just startled to know that she was all alone. Then why didn't she go back to India? “..are you? Did he…?”

She answered before he could decide how to frame his question subtly.

“ no, he did not. We are very much married. His work keeps him travelling and I found a hanger here. That’s it.”

Something in her tone told him that this wasn’t the woman he had known. There was no passion in her voice. She had accepted… defeat? He wondered if he was the reason.

The toddler playing right in front of them came dusting her hands by her sides. He had not noticed the small girl but now as she approached them, something in her face told him that now those questions, reasons, accusations, hurt, those last four years did not matter.

She bent to hold the child, who had found her spot, between of her mother’s arms. “Ma…hungry”

“Say hello to…” she paused looked at him and said “Danny uncle”

He looked deep into her eyes to see the missing spark returned, around her daughter. Negative. How could he describe this woman? ...perfectly normal?? No sign of her unshakable, unbound energy and passion in life. Then he looked at the little girl looking at him. She had her eyes, the same spark and the curve of her lips that could make anyone smile. He offered his hand to say hello “ and who might u be?”

“Her name is Kaya… she cant talk much yet”

“That’s unusual for ‘your’ daughter” he was still looking at the kid who was trying to evaluate this stranger under good or bad category. And then she informed both of them “ Kaya…hungry”

Danny laughed. “ Definitely your daughter!! ”

She threw her novel in the big bag and took out a tissue to wipe kid’s hands. She started to get up then sat back with the kid in her lap. She looked at him one last time. “ It was nice meeting you. Its nice to know that… well nothing new that I learnt…but  Its just nice… I mean it was a nice surprise”

Kaya approved, "Nice.. Good..Nice!!"

She started walking with kaya tagging by her side.

The evening sun was casting their long shadows on the ground. He could not take the eyes off them. Was this another good bye? He never said good bye to her. He called out to her “ Rhea!!!”

Kaya turned before she did…they both paused for him to say something.

“It was nice running into you today. May be we can catch up again”

She did not say a word. As she was turning back she heard him, “I hope your husband knows that he is a very lucky man!!”

She turned before the tear could fall from her eyes and whispered, I am sure your wife  knows how lucky she is!!!

There?

8:49 pm

There was an electronic humming and harmonic beeps in the room. It showed in the monitor that her heart was beating. Very slowly, but yes it was beating. Short even breath filled her lungs with oxygen from the cylinder.. The room was well lit, organized and maintained the most comfortable environment possible for her body.

But, she felt cold. She could hear her heartbeat in a far distance. There was an echo of her own thoughts. She was trying to recollect where she was. She fought to open her eyes but she could not even flutter them. Strangely there was no darkness, all around her she could feel soothing white light. It did not hurt her eyes, the light was mellow and foggy, she tried to focus on the light to see around. She could not see anything.

There is so much light and still I can’t see anything. There is someone talking and I cant hear it…how long have I been here? Sleeping? I am not dead… or am I?… no!!! how can I be dead and still thinking all this. There was an utter confusion and still she felt calm. She did not feel like fighting with what she felt within her. She was at ease with herself after a long long time. All those fights that she had with herself had faded away in that white glow of her mind. She felt like chuckling, she felt a little high. She wondered who all were there in that room. She tried o focus really hard to remember where she was… she tried to stretch and feel where she was but she could not move a muscle.

9:12 pm

He stretched his hands over his shoulder and tried to relax his day long tired torso. It was late and there were very few people around. There was almost harmonic chatter of keyboards. He thought of taking a brake from work and navigate through what his friends were doing. He logged into facebook and saw her update. He noticed no updates on her status update and cursed inwardly. She had asked him to call her 2 days back and somehow he had not managed to. He looked at the watch “you must be reading a book…trying to sleep”. He smiled thinking how angry she must be for not calling her back. Her perky anger always amused him. He picked up the phone to call her then decided to call her while driving back home. “I should finish this and then go home…”

“will call you on the way baby” he said out loud to the phone in his hand and then went back to the program he was working on.

9:38 pm

Its not working!!! Where is her family?

She heard a male voice that she could not recognize. It sounded friendly. In spite of the alarm in the voice it filled her mind with calmness. The friendly guy spoke again, “have you been able to trace anyone in the family yet?”

From another distance she heard a fragile female voice “yes her brother is on the way and there are a couple of people we have called from her last dialed numbers… not immediate family but close friends are here.

“last dialed numbers… which phone? Did he call? She wanted to take out her mobile from the jeans but she felt like she was floating. There was no gravity and still she had no strength to move her hand the way she wanted to. And then it struck her “Nittu is on the way here? Why? I was supposed to go to Mumbai right? Why is he coming here” She tried really hard to remember what has happened.. “ Nittu…” she screamed and her head was filled with her own voice. The white soothing light started becoming pale, orange, Red and then she saw the headlights of the bus approaching her head on. She tried to put the brakes really hard. The light hit her eyes and a gasp of air left her lungs. For a second she opened her eyes and saw the white ceiling before she closed her eyes again to the whiteness of her floating mind.

“Sir, look at the monitor”

She could here them clearly now. She knew what has happened. She wasn’t sleeping. She wasn’t dreaming. She was dying. It chocked her.

“I think she came out of the coma for a second there. Check the graph.” The friendly voice was filled with charge this time. “She is going back” said another voice and the voices started fading to that comfortable distance once again. The doctor opened her eyes to see the dilation of her pupil. Another doctor was checking her ECG graph.

“ Nothing. We lost her again”

10:02 pm

“Lost it again? Your keys?”

His friend asked him, standing lazily next to his desk. “yeah… no its here somewhere… yup got it”

“Done for the day? Its raining man…can you drop me on the way? And lets pick some food…”

“yeah sure” he switched off his system and just when the monitor went blank he thought he saw her face… that smiling face of her profile picture. I guess I am missing her. I should have called her.

“What are you smiling for?” His friend asked.

Nothing. Was thinking about the race… that was a thrilling finish. Her image appeared again in his mind and he tried to replace it with the racing podium image.

“Yeah expect the unexpected…”

10:38 pm

“When is her brother expected? We are running out of time here. Did you find any other donor? What did the blood bank say? Someone go and check again.” The doctor was loosing patience.

She was crying within. She was feeling really cold now. Can you get a blanket on me Rhea. She said like just another day at home, she had told her friend. Her friend was sitting at the bed side but did not hear it. She could feel the hands getting colder and a warm tear drop escaped and landed where they held each other. She wiped it and got up. Trying to put herself together, she had to call too many people. She did not have much time.

10:48 pm

“These days I don’t get much time to workout. Wonder when was the last time, we had hit the gym.” His friend was talking to him. He knew he had to answer to him but somehow he did not feel like talking. May be I am really tired today. Or may be it’s the rain. Suddenly it crossed his mind that she loved rain. To distract himself he switched on the FM and started humming along with Bon Jovi… I’ll be there for you…. 

11:42 pm

He was there, she knew he was there. Nittu is that you? She could feel him. She wanted to see her brother one last time. “ it is the last time. isn’t it? Sorry kiddo!!! I know you are scared of flights in the rain… I hope you weren’t scared today. I am so so sorry. I was really careful I promise but that Volvo came in wrong lane. Nittu… she tried to raise her hand to reach out to the only soul she really cared about. She knew he was there. “God just one last time let me see him. Let me make sure he is fine.” Then she felt that touch. He was holding her hand. “Are you crying? You can’t cry… you are the man kiddo stop crying” and then she felt the choking in her throat again. Her whole existence was choking; she could not take it anymore. She had to scream and say that she was there. She had to tell her brother that she was fine. The darkness started fanning on her mind. She felt suffocation. Her throat was burning but she had to do it… she gathered all her strength to move, to reach out to her brother. She screamed Nittu… it echoed loudly in her mind.

Nittu heard her. He thought he did. He looked at the pale face of her sister to see another gasp of air leaving restlessly her body. The harmony of the beats on the monitor fluctuated again. He looked up at monitor and then saw her face again. He thought he saw her opening the eyes for a split second. He looked at the doctor. The doctor placed his consoling hand on Nittu’d shoulder. “She is fighting to come out of the coma but she has lost too much blood. She has a very rare blood group only if we could find a match we had some hope. We are trying…”

Then try hard. She wanted to scream that. I want to see him once again. “Nittu bring me back. I don’t want to go.”

11:58 pm

“ I don’t want to go… you guys carry on. I have a deadline man!! Not this weekend” he spoke some other tired syllables to his friend on the phone before hanging up on him. He was really tired now. He took off his watch, glanced at it one last time before throwing it on the bedside table. Its so late and I have an early day tomorrow. He wasn’t even worried about changing if he hadn’t been a little wet. He changed and crashed on the bed. He fell asleep thinking he had not called her again.

00:26 am

“Mom had called again.. she is on the way. Just hold on a little longer.” Nittu was whispering to her. “…but how would she come? It’s a long  way. Ask her not to Nittu. I don’t have much time. She can’t see me like this. She should not see me like this. Tell her… tell her…

“you can hear me I know. I know how strong you are. We will get a donor and then everything will be fine. Just hang on a little longer di” 

She smiled. She wanted to assure him that she had heard him. He did not see that smile. He was looking at the phone blinking  Mom Calling…

00:38 am

Mom Calling…

Yes mom? Why are you up so late?

His mom was on the phone. “I had a feeling something is wrong. Just wanted to make sure you are alright”

“uff what can be wrong. Everything is fine” he grumbled sleepily.

“Had dinner?”

“Its late Ma. Of course I had dinner. I really need to sleep. Don’t worry everything is fine. I’ll call you tomorrow… good night” he stretched the blanket and grunted again, ”stupid rain...its so cold”.

00:40 am

Its so cold. She could feel the chill running through every cell of her body. She felt naked, exposed to the white fog. She was shivering. She could feel the beeps on her monitor were more relaxed and she could hear the clock ticking. She did not have much time. She had to tell her brother. She had to tell those passwords, those gifts she had bought…

She had to tell him one last time that she loved him. She had to make sure he knew that she was fine… really fine. The whiteness seemed really dense now. She knew she had to fight with herself one last time. Just this time and then everything will be fine. She was floating, tossing and turning to wake up one last time.

00:44 am

He was tossing and turning in his bed but he could not sleep. Its really late. She must be asleep. I’ll call her tomorrow. Its late… its late…sleep. He tried commanding his body to obey him. What can go wrong Ma..why did you wake me up from sleep. Its alright… everything is fine!!!

00:46 am

Its alright. Everything is fine. Don’t worry now. I don’t feel any pain…I have to tell you this kiddo…I have to see you one last time. She tried really hard this time she could see her brother. Small, tiny boy, a million years ago.  Running away from her with the TV remote. She could see her brother  hazily in the white cloud. and then 'He' appeared. He was holding the phone, talking to someone, he looked at her and smiled. He winked at her and gave that lazy nod that always captivated her. Her brother was getting further, she paused for a moment to look at 'him' one last time before she started running towards her brother. Suddenly her brother was all grown up. Taller, faster, she tried to run faster, she couldn’t even catch her breath but she could not give up. She had to reach out to him, she had to touch him. She was really close; the white clouds were becoming dark grey now. She was about to touch him, she was completely out of breath. And then suddenly she saw the brightest light…it hurt her eyes…she tried to close her eyes… and she opened it finally…

00:48 am

He opened his eyes finally. He could not sleep. He cursed, got up and went to kitchen. took a sip of water from bottle and stared at the wall clock.

00:49 am

She stared at the wall clock. She could not make anything out of it. And then his face focused in. She smiled. He smiled back and the tears ran down his face. She could hear the beeps of the monitor. She had so much to tell him.

“Don’t say anything. Just relax.” Nittu whispered

But she felt the sudden panic. She started saying something but it just made meaningless horse whispers because of the oxygen mask.

She looked in his eyes. He told the doctor, “She wants the oxygen mask removed. She wants to say something”

The doctor nodded and slowly took off the mask. There was nothing else he could do at this point.

00:50am

There was nothing else he could do at this point. He lied down on the bed and felt the phone under the pillow. He touched it with his hand, held it for a moment and said “I miss you too baby”

00:50am

… I’ll miss you kiddo” she was whispering slowly. He was holding her hand and was leaning closely to hear. She was trying to say something but she could not bring the words out. Tears welled in her eyes; she knew he could read them all.

“I’ll always love you” she whispered slowly. “…. Be… be strong.. for maa and paa…”

She could hear Rhea sobbing but she could not take a chance with moving her head to see her friend. She felt her hand and tried to hold tight to her too. Rhea felt the movement and broke down into another flood of tears.

She was looking straight in her brother’s eyes. There was so much she wanted to say. So much she had to say. “I love you...” was all she could whisper. “… tell… Ran…tell him that …I love… him”

The monitor gave a long shrill sound. There were no beeps. A long stretch of green line on the monitor and a shrilling sound. She could not hear it. She could not hear anything anymore. The doctor noted the time in the white sheet. 00:52 am

Her brother was still holding her hand. still looking at her face. Her eyes were far far off in another world. She wasn’t there.

00:52 am

 “There?” He wrote and sent the text to her number. 

 p.s.:: this is a work of fiction. No medical rationale intended.

Just another special day...

HONK!!!!The car stopped with a screeching sound. “Oh sorry” she said with a nervous smile. She has been completely lost in her own world. Holding flowers in one hand, grocery in the other and planning the evening ahead of her. She cursed herself and hoped the flowers did not feel her shake within.

He would scold her if she told him that she was about to come under a car, holding flowers in her own hands. She smiled inwardly. And to imagine on his birthday!!!

She reached home and placed flowers in the vase. He did not like flower much. He was just indifferent about them. But today is a special day. She wanted to make this day special for him. She had planned everything, a warm birthday eve with just the two of them. Of course tomorrow will be party with his friends, their relatives but today it was just the two of them. His favorite chicken recipe, some Chinese noodles. She smiled again.

She was singing with the stereo playing her favourite song. OK it was his favourite song but now it had become her favourite too. That’s what happens. Now, his likes and dislikes were hers.

She had cut all vegetables for noodles and chicken was marinating too. She thought of taking a quick shower before he comes home. She scanned the drawing room in a quick glance. His shoe was hiding under the sofa. How many times?? It runs in the Y chromosome I guess!!

She had taken shower. Everything was ready in the kitchen for quick hot noodle. Chicken was ready to go in microwave. She looked at her watch. He should have been home by now. Today some new excuse for sure!!!

She was getting a bit restless as another half an hour had passed. She was trying to calm herself surfing the channels but nothing could hold her interest. The doorbell rang and she hurried to open it.

He was standing there, sweaty, dirty and holding a muddy ball in his hand. She didn’t know whether to scold him for coming late or just hug him. She tried to sound a little strict and said “look at you. Go take a shower first. Why are you late by the way?”

He replied “I didn’t wear watch today Maa. I did not know that I was running late”. He smiled sweetly and added, “You know I don’t want to get scratches on your gift”

She was arranging his shoe in the rack, football already in its place. “Ok go take a shower now. I’ll prepare dinner”

“What are we having today” he enquired running inside the kitchen.

“chowmein and roasted chicken” she replied knowing he would just love it.

He didn’t sound very happy. “umm I thought I can make Maggie today. Tomorrow we can have chicken and all in the party. But it’s ok”

At all of 11, Maggie making was his new passion. “Its ok we’ll have Maggie. Its your birthday tomorrow so whatever you want”

He turned around and hugged her. “You are the best Maa”

“ Aaagrh!! I had just taken bath!!! Go get a shower first then you get a hug!!!”

He ran towards the bathroom “OK maa towel!!! And you are still the best” He was humming the same song under the shower. She joined in the chorus humming slowly while looking for his night tracks.

Its a special dedication to all the single Mums this Mother’s day. It’s not easy to raise a child on your own especially when you are not a celebrity. I have been observing a single mum-son duo for over an year now. I salute her bravery for the choice or rather sticking to the only choice left to her. I salute her zeal for life. The son is a remarkable kid and at such young age, I can read the concern for his maa in his small endeavors of making tea, coffee and keeping himself engaged at his maa's office at times. It’s a special bond they share, that i can not put in words. Big hug to both of them and Cheers to the spirit of Motherhood!!!

Talaash

She was trying to tell me something for a long time. She tried, really hard but she couldn’t. I wish she had said something before she fell silent. I wish she had said anything before running away from me.

I am desperate to tell her that I was listening to all her silly ideas. I never told her that. It has been long since I have heard from her. It has been ages since I have seen her. I try to find her every now and then. When it rains, I look out hoping to see her. I know she loves rain, she hums in the rain. I know she is shying away in some corner. I know if I look out under that shed, in the corner, I may find her squealing with joy, drenched in rain.

I don’t even remember the last time I had heard her laugh. A full throttle, uncontrollable, infectious laugh. She used to laugh with me secretly even in those gloomy days. I wish I had noticed when she just stopped laughing. I don’t even remember what had made her so silent.

I remember those nights, when I used to sit with her looking at the street light!! It had nothing special but I knew it brought a sparkle in her eyes. Those nights; when I had counted stars with her, looks like a galaxy ago. She knew so many stars. She wanted to be one. Suddenly, one day she had no desire left of being one. Of being anything. It was the night, when she stopped dreaming. I wish I remembered that night but I don’t. If I look out of my window to see the street lights again, would I find her there?

She used to hold her breath during sunset. I have seen the change of colours in her eyes, as sun melted at the edge of the river. I have seen her bitter sweet smile, her anticipation of seeing it over and over every evening. She had dreamy eyes with a hundred stories in them. I don’t remember the last time those stories had a happy ending.

She had an eye for trees. They spoke to her. They were different shades of green, orange, blue and purple. They were her moods. They were how she wanted to be; grounded yet free, branching out to reach the sky. The shade was dark, where she hid her secrets, but it soothe her in the heat. Her trees never bore flowers. I wish I had noticed it then. I wish the last time when I saw a tree without leaves; I had known what she wanted to tell me.

I wish I had sensed her good bye. I don’t even remember how far long back she left me. I wish I could see her one last time. Hold her, hug her and plead her to stay with me forever.

I wish I could find her again. The child in me. The little girl, who had dreams and stories, excitements and disappointments. Only to wake up every morning with a new dream and a smile.

Rain

It was raining, in her heart, in her mind and outside. She was standing at the doorstep of her balcony, as the tiny droplets carried itself with air and brushed against her cheeks. I need to call someone. I need to speak to someone. She started going through the phonebook in her mobile. Should I call Alya? Its Saturday, she must be out with her boyfriend. Fida must be running behind her toddler, she would get worried. I shouldn’t call home. Thank god I am not at home. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I were at home with mum’s poking eyes trying to reach the deepest of my mind. There is no one I can call?

“Yeah, I’ll be with you in two minutes” she replied back at the top of her voice.

Her friends were watching the match. She is not the kind of person to leave a crucial match and let her coffee stand cold on the table. Something was bothering her. There was a distant sadness on her face and an effort, to look cheerful when she smiled. She was humming a song, not because she was happy but because she was so lost in her thoughts that she did not even realize it.

“Hey what are you doing out here? Come see the match. We are thrashing Pakistan” Dev came with her mug of coffee. He already knew she would not come inside. He knew she is thinking something. He had known her for over three years now. She was married to his best friend and they all had become like a family. “What are you thinking? Something is wrong? Jay was saying you have been a little down for coupe of days now.”

“It must be the pressure of world cup!! It’s difficult to win world cup back to back right?” She laughed nervously. She thought she wasn’t giving it away. “I still remember the last time we had won you know. Looks like a distant dream now but when I recall… it’s still so fresh, like it happened just yesterday” She paused giving him a cue to say something but he did not. He was trying to understand if it made any sense. She looked OK; probably a little lost but may be she is lost in her memories.

“Actually I thought of calling home but then just got carried away looking at this beautiful rain. I’ll make a quick call and be back” she smiled warmly trying to assure him.

“Ok don’t take long. You are missing some excitement you know.”

She pretended of calling home, while Dev went back to his comfortable chair in front of TV. He assured her husband, “she is fine, just on the phone”. They squealed as another six was hit.

It was pouring heavily now. There was a flutter of curtain trying to pull her inside the room. She was calmly looking at the rain, walking towards the center of the balcony, unknowingly. Trying to wash off her thoughts, trying to melt in the water and just then, a tiny drop fell from her eyes. The rain was pouring on her, claiming her, not soothingly but harsh and cold. Her mobile was blinking in her hand, somebody was calling her. And, she broke down into irreversible flood of tears, gushing and mixing in the rain. She was craving for a human touch. Somebody to hold her and tell her that life is beautiful if she can just forget that exciting chapter she had. She now had a family, a husband and hundreds of friends. Why did she feel lonely when she had so many people around who genuinely cared for her?

“Does he even remember me now? Did he ever try to reach me? I had made a promise jokingly, that I would make India win 2015 World Cup for him. Would he remember me today…. if we won?” she was whispering to herself.

Four years!!! I have a happy normal marriage. A family, friends but still sometimes I wonder if he would have taken a different decision, how different my life would have been. My life-with him. We were both so similar and so complicated. There were a thousand things, I did not tell him. A thousand unspoken things, I wanted him to understand. I knew I would not break down if he let go off me, but I never told him how scared I was of rejection, a burden to carry all my life? I had loved him but I never fought back to make him understand that he didn’t need to let go. Life is complicated. We all are. I was and I still am. I loved him enough to take him as he was. Today I wonder if he loved me too. If he thought of me … ever.

“OMG!!” she exclaimed, sprang back to present and ran towards the hall, leaving a trail of water on the carpet. “It kicked.. uh.. I mean baby… not it… the baby kicked!!! For the first time!!! Jay it kicked…can you feel it?”

Jay was stunned, trying to feel her wife’s belly. “ huh… why are you wet? You have been crying?”

Dev’s wife hugged her and made a dramatic face. “My God Juhi, I did not know you were so emotion. First kick and you have happy tears all over you. Just wait woman very soon you'll find him kick boxing!!”

Juhi smiled “Damn hormones!!! See what pregnancy has made me? A crying woman!!!”

Jay hugged her and said. “Thank God!! You had to realize someday that you are woman” She retorted “yeah right!!! Now let me go I need to change before baby feels cold”

Yet another six!!!

“You guys know what …treat is on me. Consider this match won. We are going to win this world cup hands down”

It had stopped raining.