Hoping against hope

I was walking with earphones plugged in my ears and still I could not keep the maddening noises out of my head. I was walking in a Trans. I knew in my heart he would not make it this time. As I was getting closer to the him, the nervousness bubbling inside me, wanted the roads to go on. I was afraid to reach his bedside, I was afraid to face him I was hoping against hope that I do not have to deal with this on my own.

She was sitting at his bedside chanting Mahamrituyanjaya. There was no sound in the room other than ECG beeps. The only sign telling her that he was still there. She knew he would make it. She knew in her heart that her faith would not let her down.

I tried to delay hoping that the inevitable will be delayed. But, I had to face it eventually. I entered the room and the silence engulfed me. I touched her in assurance but inside I was shaking. I hoped she would not notice it. I was afraid to touch him. Somehow that beep was not assuring me. I read the graph, betraying her faith. His breathing, the gasps for air did not look natural. In my mind I joined her in mahamrtiyunajay jaap, hoping against hope that I have misread the graph.

I could read in everyone’s eyes that there is nothing left to be done. I hugged her because I wanted to be held. She broke down into tears and asked me if he can make it. Can he come back now? I could not lie. Hoping against hope that he would, he should. I just nodded my head in ‘no’ and then I joined her in a hot stream of tears. Her whole life she had been nothing but a wife and  suddenly her whole existence was a bleak shadow of nothingness. Wife, who was hoping against hope, was allowed to be stubborn and fight for her husband’s life. She had undeniable faith in God, He could not do this to her.

I could not be stubborn, I had no belief, I had faith in none. I had no one to hold me and tell me this is life. I was staring at death and it scared me. The darkness of loneliness was clouding in my head. I looked at her and saw the darkness in her eyes. It reminded of the dark meadows in my own eyes. How could I be stubborn and ask for something which was not mine. How could I pray and ask for you, when your heart was not into me.

It was time for us to let go. Let go of what she has had all her life. Let go of someone I wanted for my life. Let go of someone I felt was my life.

That night both of us were alone, stripped from the feeling of belonging to someone. The world could see that on her face and my face betrayed nothing. How could I have lost something that never belonged to me? How could I have lost you when it felt like I never had you? The part of me which said that we belong together was turning into a fragment of my imagination. Hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day to realize that the day was just a nighmare. Hoping against hope that I can have the same faith, to fight for what I want. Hoping against hope... that what I want is true!

Nothing Significant

March 15^th 2012 around 8:45 pm I met with a significantly small accident and ended up having insignificant bruises, scars, scratches and few other injuries. But this has opened a significantly wide path of philosophy on life.

No, I did not fall off my 6 inch heels and struck my head on wall to have a reality check on life. It was my first ever road accident, in the time when I have been saying a lot to myself “मैं मर हीं क्यूँ नहीं जाती”, whenever I feel helpless, like a puppet with thread in someone else’s hand.  I thought death will solve all the problems since there isn’t anything significant waiting for me in future. Something I may look forward to.

And then, when the death stares you, you don’t even realize it. The reaction time is so small that the brain seizes to think, its just reflex to avoid what’s approaching you. There is no pain, no fear, no sadness it was such a small fraction of second that I did not even scream for my life. But when it re-runs in my head, it’s all in slow motion and I see things in movie clips. I have no idea how it happened. No idea what else could have happened but I am just glad that there was nothing significant.

The re-run clip starts with the Activa, exactly perpendicular to my vehicle, right in front of me. Was it the drizzle; or was it oil on the road that made it skit? I do not know. All I have is the flashing memory of sparks coming out of that vehicle. The reflex took over, I had to avoid so I put my brakes and next thing that I know is, I was there lying in weird angle on the road. I have no idea how far was I carried or if my vehicle left a fleet of spark all around and how many brakes were pulled to avoid us. Yes now that I replay, I can see it in a mix of Bollywood- Hollywood action drama sequence. Rohit Shetty’s vehicle making a 90 degree turn on the ground with sparks all around. The screeching sound and then blink it goes dim. flash again and  a girl is lying in the middle of the road under a dozen headlights. The drizzle; as she gets up and looks around, a little shaken and far from the realization of what just happened. The sound of horns and tyres screeching on forceful brakes. But it was all mute. I could hear nothing. The first realization was that my ear pugs had come off and there was still a faint echo of the song in my mind. “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”. It all runs in slow motion but it happened all too sudden and I was back on my leg unsure of what am I supposed to do. Someone helped me pick my vehicle when he saw me bending towards it. I had not realized that It had carried itself away from me. I was sure my Tani baby would have been hurt too. No, she was fine. A few scratches here and there but the activa was shattered, so I had avoided that collision. I had avoided hitting them straight, and so many vehicles had avoided hitting us. The reality never hit me that I was in the middle of the road until a red car, still fresh in my memory, gently kissed my leg, as I was crossing the road. I was crossing the road without even looking at the traffic still trying to make way avoiding the mishap. That was my first realization that I was in the middle of the road. Before that somehow the entire universe had come down to a bleak core of nothingness.

While driving home from that point, I had mixed feelings. Nervous system was back switching on one nerve at a time. Something was hurting and some folders in my mind were rebooting.

I was suddenly glad for so many insignificant things like the road was one way, there were no hi power bus right behind me and above all even though I had no idea what just happened in that 30 seconds, but I was glad that I was alive. I was glad that I was.

Next 40 minutes of drive made me face the reality that life really is insignificant at the point when it meets the end. Unlike stories, “the end” makes everything insignificant for the one who has it. I would have felt nothing, the life that I have and the things that I want would have meant nothing as it would have lost its existence. No hurt, no pain no ambition and depression would have mattered. Everything that I am about would have come to an end at that point. I wouldn’t even have had a chance to say my goodbyes.

I know as days pass, the memory will go dimmer and one day, what I have experienced would loose the impact that it has right now. But I don’t want to let go of that moment when there was the silence amid chaos, the sluggish seconds that felt like an eternity. And the distant echo of the song replying that last line over and over “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”

The significance of my life would be if I am remembered by those I love. Acknowledged by lives, I come in touch with everyday. Would I be remembered long? I shall be missed by my friends and family but I know as the time goes on, their life would still go on. After all I am just a chapter in their life. I hope to be a significant enough chapter. A cherished and happy chapter. That’s all we all are here for. Our own life is the book consisting of many chapters of the people and experiences. But the minute this book comes to an end we know that no one gets to read it. We are our own writer and the life is one book no one can read the way you have lived it. The minute it ends, it’s the end of everything significant to you. So lets just keep writing and be a beautiful chapter in each others life.

Back home, when I told my brother, what happened and then he started small talk about insignificant stuff like how many chillies in ¾ Kg of potato, I realized how glad I was to have that silly conversation. How glad I was to hear him say “dhyan se raha kar” and how glad I am to still be able to share this experience.

Its possible that very few will read it. Very few may find it a good piece. I have written this to remember it, every time I read it. The experience that made me realize that how much ever my life may suck at times, it may have insecurities and helplessness that I cant get what I want, I may feel that the decision I have taken on my life, leaves me with nothing great to look forward to. But then I have realized, as we live, there is nothing significant about our life if we loose it. There is nothing I would have known or felt if it would have come to an end. No pain no desire.

So I am glad to be alive, to walk this life, gathering experiences, hoping I would have what I desire…as the line still echoes in my mind “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”… nothing significant but a Life!!!!

Lovebruary...

February- the month we brew love!!!

Just like every other girl, all my life I have been trying to find that one person who would love me for who I am. Blame it on being born as Aries, believing in miracles and being just hopelessly romantic, does not help much otherwise. But should I really blame this on my sun sign? I am drawn towards mind more that anything. There is an ongoing analysis in my head to decode the thought process of whoever I meet. I don’t judge (no, seriously) but I am just curious to an extent that if there was a scientific  tool called “mind decoder”, I would have had that junk. And who captivates me? Just like Edward in Twilight, I fall for one whose mind is beyond me. Who can keep me thinking about him just because I can not figure out what he has been thinking.

Someone once said to me that love is nothing but a state of hallucination. I am not very sure if I buy that but it sure does make sense. A state of hallucination, where everything looks foggy, yet beautiful. We are so caught up with the emotional “high” that we let the one we love, get away with almost anything. Something he said or did would hurt for a while but do we feel the pain?… No!!! Its only when the drug wears off…there is pain, desperation and a feeling of being completely at loss. You look back and you don’t even remember the path you have been walking on. There is this hangover of love, when there is a nagging buzz in the head and a headache that makes you feel like shit. Love sure is a drug, an addiction. When the supply is over it makes you desperate to cling on to anything, something to fill the mind with and hopelessly we try to find just another small dose to keep us alive.

But isn’t Love just a hyped emotion? Probably the most talked and discussed about human emotion in the world. Every one will market that drug free of cost and would say that it makes you feel alive and gives you positivity. then why is it that pain becomes synonym of true love? Is it our obsession for pain? Pain looks real, makes us look tougher and makes us look a bigger person in our head. May be that's why they say the path of love is always thorny. After all, we all want to be a bigger person, living for a "cause". And believe it or not, love has a fair share in everyone's "cause" of who they are.

So undeniably I am not untouched from love either. It has touched me, made me smile unreasonably, made my stomach churn, made me skip so many beats and at times made me feel like a shit. It has made me derive a hundred hypotheses on the course of events  of my life. I have taken the plunges and I have surfaced. I have hoped against hopes of being together and I have hoped that one day I’ll be able to reason myself of why I feel the way I feel. What is the reason that makes someone so special? If this time it’s real, why did it take so long to reach here? There were days when I had given up all hopes of being together and still a tiny flicker said I am still praying every single day. I have tried cutting all ties thinking that I have brought bad luck, that its just not meant to be and then I have asked myself if this is not supposed to be why did this happen. Why did I fall so miserably? Questions, even Google can not answer. Questions that when answered would loose its meaning. The state of hallucination, remember? These questions aren’t supposed to be answered. These questions create that fog in the head that keeps us all, especially me, walking on this road filled with confusions. I seek drama in life and so I like it this way. Not knowing what the future awaits, not knowing if I am right or wrong. It feels so right to be together and feels so wrong to adjure anyone for our togetherness. I have never wished for anything for myself then why do I need to ask for something that feels so mine? So I pray to be strong to let go  and the answer I get is, “I” am the one who is holding on. One of my favourite song has a line “ I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all”. So, how much ever hurt I may, I choose this. I choose to walk all scarred. Choose to stay this way still believing that “Miracle happens to those who believe in it”. One day you will also believe that you are my miracle. Till then, happily confused, happily starry eyed and miserably in love…   and JFTR Happy Valentine ’s Day!!!

Un-done

रेत के घरोंदे

फिसलते बंद मुट्ठी से

धीमी आंच पे

जलती ख्वाहिशें 

बेपरवाह-ए-अंजाम

चंद मंसूबे

खुरचन से ख्वाब

सीलन पड़ी दीवारों से

उड़ते रंग, चड़ते साल

बनते बिगड़ते हर काम

इस साल की 

अधपकी फसलों के नाम....

This time it’s personal.

Happy friendship’s day gals… we have completed 5 years of us being just friends… not classmates/batch mates but just by the way friends.

Raga:

Remember the first year final exams when you were crying on the eve of Stats paper, I knew I had to revise but I also knew I had to be with you. I don’t know why I felt that I had to take care of you. You have this nervous energy of a child around you, anyone infected with that, feels protective about you. I have known it since then that I had to take care of you and I hope I did a good job all these years. But then I have seen you growing up and taking care of others, specially taking care of me. Thank you for knowing that I needed you even when I display it in bolds that I don’t need anyone. Those nights when you woke up to find me staring at the ceiling and said “ kya soch rahi hai so ja”… I knew you were worried about me, I was about you too gal. I knew you already had enough to worry about and I need to give you your space. Thinking of living separately those last few months was the toughest decision but we both knew that was the only solution. You could cry, I could not… I am glad you found a family again, you’ve always been a family person unlike me but I hope I would always be a part of your family like you are mine!!!

The only regret in last 5 yrs that I have is that I could not be with you to share your joy of marriage… I had something else in mind and probably that’s why “that” did not happen. But hey things happen when and how they are meant to. I was meant to be friends with you and spoil you. Miss free flow you are one special nut case and you do know that.

I know that you have doting daily soap type family and you may not miss my 24X7 entertainment. But hey you can still miss me a little…. Miss me whenever you try any of my egg recipes. Whenever you apply kajal you do know you can see me in the mirror standing behind you. Whenever you try more than two outfits while getting ready you do know somewhere I must be doing the same. You know so much about me…things I have told and things you just know…but one thing I am sure you do know that I love you and there are days when I Miss you a lot. Thank you for being a part of my life…my family.

Ekta:

In these five years I have realized that you can take any kind of criticism. So I’ll tell you something to take the burden off me today. First year of our living together was really tough and I know it must have been tough for you too. After all we weren’t really friends then, but like ever since “we were sailing the same boat”. We were both so different and had our differences. I was over sincere student, love struck and I donno what else… may be you can tell me later ( but do remember that I still don’t like people judging me so be a little diplomatic okay? :P). Then I learnt patience from you. I learnt to like you, learnt to see things in your perspective. I had this irritating habit of poking my nose into everything happening around me and advising “solution” whether it’s wanted or not. I learnt to respect your silence; I learnt to maintain a little distance till someone actually comes seeking advice. I actually learnt to keep quite.

And see now, we really are family to each other. We had our fights, we had our differences and we both changed for each other. I have no shame in saying that you have compromised more than me in last 2 years. Proof: you crave for Gobhi Manchurian now and you can eat spicy curry!!

I have already told you that you have a habit of keeping friends only from your present but I know I would be one for life. After all I am the only girl you have kissed… twice!!! One free suggestion, stop worrying about me…you do know I am strong enough to take care of myself…let loose!! I know what we have now, gives a security blanket feeling but gal its time for you to start thinking beyond this. It is time to take that leap of faith and you really do have to go first, this time. Move on and I’ll follow your foot steps.

Remember my booty dance that I do specially for you every weekend morning. Teasing you has always been fun my cheesecake. Miss me cause I sure am going to miss our rebound shopping, impulsive movies outings, discovering coffee joint …just the two of us and a lot of food!!! Those floor slides, hopping on your back, watching you struggle with just a little make up and fighting with you for Raga’s attention… Thank you for not fighting for kitchen rights… cooking is my passion and believe it or not I do not like people fiddling in ‘my’ kitchen… I am a control freak and I know you know that. You know a lot of things about me and probably know it by now that I love you too. Thank you for standing by me all these years, sometimes silently, sometimes with your stupid questions like “tumko bura nahi lagta?” and sometimes with your irritatingly sweet concern. Thank you for being my family.

And, special mention::

Funti,

I probably would have taught you a word or two when you were learning how to speak. I probably would have held your hand when you were learning how to walk and I probably would have given you an advice or two when my brain size was bigger than yours…

I don’t remember when did I start following your steps, when did I start holding your finger in time of need and when did I start listening to you advice…I have no idea when did I became so dependent on you. You are my ultimate refuge, my BFF (owing to the kitchen bitching that we do, we make a hellota better BFF than Paris and Nicole).

I know you always were probably but it took me this long to realize that you are Awesome… to have inner peace at such young age I must say!!!

Every time I keep the phone down after talking to you, I have a feeling that there is just one more thing I need to tell you. I have told you so many times that you are my best friend… tell me just once that I am yours too (… No?...eh I was just taking a chance).

I would have been nothing without you. Thank you for being there always. You ARE my family….. my real school!!! Stay Awesome Po!!!

Anyways JFTR Happy Friendship day to you too bhai!!!

Antardwand

A dying flame which flutters every time I go back in my mind. I wish I never had May 2010 in my calender...when I lost her. I had known her all my life. If I call her today she would pick up the phone and tell me she is still there but I know I can never reach her again.

I miss you D.

ज़िन्दगी की किताब के

पन्ने पलट गये

तुम क्या गये

हम बदल गये…

छिटकी चांदनी में

सिसकती रात और

अँधेरी सुबह के

आसमान बदल गये...

बारिश में जलती

सोंधी धरती,

ये सिहरती धूप,

हर मौसम बदल गये...

कोरी आँखों के

धुंधले सपने,

अपनों की अक्स के

चेहरे बदल गये...

हाथ बढाया तो

साथी छूट गये,

कदम बढाया

तो राह बदल गये...

तुम से मिल के भी

तुम से ना मिले,

तुम्हारी तस्वीर के

रंग बदल गये...

कुछ इस तरह

हर बात उलझी,

कि सच और झूठ के

मायने बदल गये...

काश वो दिन ना आते

जब बचपन बदल गये,

दिन बदल गये

अब तो साल भी बदल गये...

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Love is in the air as we are standing mid February. Love it is… but I haven’t said it before and I know I am not brave enough to say it loud to those who matter the most. So here I am saying it on a forum where I know it would not be seen by those, to whom its said.

I remember ’97 when DTPH had released and it gave that purnima chhap Indian touch to V-day. Maa hated the westernization and so she hated V-day idea too. Then a couple of years later when our relation was on an all time low…she wished me early morning on 14^th and I could not even bring myself to say same to you. That hug that I couldn’t accept and return said it all. Today when I look back, I wonder if all those fights were really worth of growing up! Today I call her every year to wish on V-day (and yes Mother’s day too). She calls me when she is scared of telling anything to pa, she confides in me, she shares her joy and my pain. If I don’t talk to her in a week I really do feel that something is missing. And then, I wonder how I used to survive those months, under the same roof, when she didn’t talk to me. Guess we are both grown ups now…so yes Maa wish you a very happy Valentine’s day. I Wish I could return that hug, I try these days if you have noticed. Now that I know that if I would have had accepted your wish and hug that day, may be I would have learnt a lot of things and would have grew up long back. You have stood by me all theses years inspite of the fact that I never really achieved what you wanted me to. I miss your fanaticism for safayi and I miss your scoldings. Only if I could tell you Maa that I love you.

Just last year, the bricks of my life started falling off and the first person that I called was Pa. Knowing very well that he wasn’t well himself, that he just had a set back and was probably not strong enough. But when I needed something stable in my life I knew I could count on him. At all of 10, I have pa’s memory from the days when I came back to stay with him and knew nothing about him. I was dead scared of him. I used to envy all my friends who used to chit chat with their dad but we never had a dialogue per se. When I was forbidden to go out of house to play, he used to ask me every evening to take a walk. That one line meant more than any full length dialogue if we might have had one. Today I remember all those small gestures like he took me out so that I could meet my guy. He teased me that I din tell him myself about the guy. During Dee’s marriage when he said that he would not be able to see me off (as in vidayi), I knew just then how special I am to him. You don’t say much but I can feel the unspoken love and concern even in your silence. Only if I could tell you Papa that I love you.

We used to fight every day over remote and a hundred other things that I don’t even remember now. All I remember that you used to irritate me. I couldn’t stand you in my side of our room. I hated playing ‘your’ carom, hated taking ‘your’ cycle to school and hated the fact that it still felt that I was an outsider and was sharing ‘your’ parents. But then I still remember that small piece of paper on my pillow that said ‘sorry’. I still remember that you always equally divided every single chocolate… even when I was not home, you would divide and have my share too. You were my only pillar of strength for as long as I remember. From my ‘jail’ days to my break ups. Your motivational talks when I had result jitters and then it all came true when I did Top. I would never forget those 7 brushes that you bought me to put the colours back in my life. The fact that you waited for me to share the joy of giving you first salary gift to ‘our’ parents makes me feel special beyond words. I wish I could say that it was fun growing up with you… lets face it growing up was no fun but I couldn’t have asked for a better brother, friend and my guardian angel. When I say that nothing I say would be enough, I truly mean it. Have I told you enough kiddo that I love you!!

p.s. :: This is the only full family photo I have on my system :(

Sorry kiddo i couldn't do better than this at photoshop in such a short time

Happily Ever After

A 'thud' in my heart,

thumping a bit louder..

Darkness of the night,

silky,creamy, darker..

Life is running fast,

at this turn, slower...

Being miles apart,

at times, feels bitter....

Days turn into nights,

but nights stay longer..

Caught up in my dreams,

reality fades further...

You are my every dream,

am day and night dreamer..

Mornings I wake up hoping,

that I had a missed caller....

You chase down every thought,

boy! you are such a stalker..

Waiting, to be swept off my feet

and embraced forever...

Why do you keep me waiting,

my knight in shining armour?

I hope we find soon enough,

Our happily ever after!!!!

p.s:: lol am all Shrek!!!

A walk down the memory lane

I had walked those paths a thousand times. So what was it that felt different today? Today somehow it felt like i have completed a full circle, small yet, a full circle. As i climbed on the pavement, a brush of air greeted me. Yes, it recognised me. Nobody asked my identity, as if i really belonged there. I closed my eyes and breathed in the air that felt like home.

As I walked on, washed in the dull yellow street light, i remembered all those evenings when it did not feel so dull somehow, coz back then there were so many faces that used to greet me, knew me, today i was alone. I saw the hospital’s clumsy dark emergency entry and i could almost see in 3D, us three, sitting there. Those gossips and bitching. I had not known before, that guys are great at bitching too. Those giggles and comments on whoever would pass by... and then i saw myself passing by, wondering what would have i commented on myself! Shift to another folder in my memory, and i saw myself sitting with him, that once, when i had met him for the first time. Happy memories disappeared as i came back to today and walked ahead. Yes i have come a long way in these 5 years and have really grown up to be a different person. Those happy memories did not bring pain and tears as i had expected but a smile of content that those so many moments I had lived, are still with me.

As i walked ahead and reached the circle, the stairs stared at me. Almost complaining- “look you have deserted me!!” The street light was mellowed by the huge tree that I don’t remember from ‘my days’. It did not recognize me either. It questioned my identity. Standing near the stairs, I looked around almost expecting the guard and his whistle but he was no where to be found. The place looked really dull today but I could see all of us, our chatter, our panchayati, gal problems, guys problem.. and those curses, some learnt some invented.

I moved on, saw those bikes… group of guys, chatting, fagging and I suddenly felt so out of place. Just then I heard myself “abe chai kaun kaun pi raha hai?koi ja k order karoge?” and the smile was back on my face. That 2Rs tea around that circle, those whistle, just when the gates were about to be closed, meant more than sipping cappuccino at CCD. I walked inside the Food court and looked in front, the Veg vendor was closed. You don’t need to fight for chairs in the food court anymore? Not even inside? Half of the tube lights were off and the silence was unnerving.

Came back to the Stairs…apna adda, out marked space!!! Fighting with self, I sat down eventually. Yes I could feel all of you around me. Ankita smiling at me, Neha holding my hand, Raga hugged me, Ekta was concerned, Mishu said “ patient to hum the na?”, Shrawni’s mad laugh, Geetika’s electrifying smile, Chetan and his stupid dance, Arup was learning how to be Ross, TD and his “chhor na”, Richu’s shahi lacknawi hindi, Jigyasa and her naughty stare, Samir ka “kaisa laga?”, Nikhil “Bing”, Sanjeet and his Dhoni stories, Mrinal scared of walking behind galz when I whistled and they thought its him, Golu-my all time partner for black current softy… Debo and Shweta upgrading my “Basics”, That was me…that was Ramaiah.

I know I would never ever see you all together again. But there in that moment I had all of you with me…Ramaiah is nothing without you all. Miss you all and would give anything to see us together again…One day.

Dated: 29th Nov 2010.

The Bubble Theory

Self assessments::Random thoughts!!!

Which are not so random. It’s a turmoil, an ongoing discussion in my mind. I wonder what it feels like to be Phoebe and have people talking in her head because I am simply exhausted listening to my voice, my own flood of thoughts.

Being Aries can be curse at times when you let someone enter your world. OK!! lets not generalize a sun sign and I should speak for myself.

I had read long back in Linda Goodman’s book that Aries live in their own world. They are just happy and always occupied with their own little things. Obsessed with their hair and always find something so interesting in their nails that the rest of world, standing right in front of their eyes just vanishes.

I feel, I live in a bubble and I am very happy and eager to meet people only until, they don’t try to burst my bubble. It’s very rare that I let anyone enter my bubble but since the bubble I live in is so transparent people don’t really realize that there is anything keeping me shielded. So, those I interact with everyday just assume that what they see is real me. But the fact is even I don’t know the real me and sometimes I wonder who are these people who are so sure of what they are and how they feel. Most of the times I really don’t know what I feel!! If I am sad I am sad and I don’t know why something so silly has affected me. When I am happy there is this music in my bubble and I am just amused. People looking from outside find it funny that I am happy for no reason at all but what they don’t know is that I have another world inside that bubble that they can’t see. A world of my own, world of my dreams, my thoughts, my ideas and mostly the memories I cherish.

My problem starts when I let someone enter the bubble and I don’t know what to do with him/her. It’s even worse if that person has no idea that he has entered my bubble. Its conflicting cause being in the same bubble I want to share everything, after all I am suppose to be a great host. But since he is unaware of the whole bubble thing he just doesn't see my world. Its disappointing and again taking from Linda Goodman, being an Aries, I do behave like a small child… who has been devoid of attention. So I do everything in my hand to gain that attentionback. I do some funny things, some smart things, things to show that hey I am growing up can’t you see that? If all of this doesn’t work then I feel angry and then even if that is not noticed… I cry. Then again, remember I am a baby and I am not suppose to cry for long coz just like a baby I would burn my hands again and again until I grow up and realize that touching the flame does no good.

So how long am I going to cry to get the attention? Until I get what I want or simply start ignoring him/her and look around searching for someone i can count on. Ignoring me is the last thing i expect from anyone. Just acknowledge my presence and i am game for almost anything. But there is this twist in the tale, its very rare that i would come and tell you that you are one of the few lucky ones, who is part of my bubble. you just have to keep looking for the sign i drop here and there. Trust me! i expect you to notice those signs.

All my life I had a silent companion at the edge of my bubble. I don’t know if he is inside but I know for sure he is around. He is there listening to my cribbing, making sure that I know of my short comings, sometimes proud of my little sweet achievements and sometimes just smiling knowingly at my attention seeking tantrums. Trying his best that I do not let undeserving people enter into my bubble and at times even trying to protect my bubble from unwelcoming intruders. My kid brother who stands beside me all grown up, guides me like an elder brother and is a friend I see in none else.

PS:: I had written this piece about a month back when my friends were dissecting me right in front of me and i was pushed to analyse myself. Even some 'strangers' were reporting my quirky traits. They claim to know me better than i know myself so i thought lets give it a try to find what really makes me Me!! After writing this i buzzed my bro with "can i miss you?' and he replied ":P yes you can but then it depends why?"

Its an honest analysis.Just another fact that i really am a bit self obsessed...who else analyses herself just for fun!!!

A lot could have happened over coffee

It has been some years

long enough..

Faded memories

still strong enough...

Tears, some shedded

some held back,

Steaming cup of coffee

'n I was dressed in Black

Untouched crumbles

of chocolate truffle,

lying restlessly

on my table..

Room full of people

and two friends of mine,

trying desperately

to read my mind..

Some silly song

in background,

some happy chatter

some nervous sound...

but silent thoughts

heart sored,

all mobiles

on silent mode...

Suddenly,

everything stood still

ran down my spine,

unknown,

yet, familier chill...

As i looked at him

across the glass wall,

one look at him,

and was in a free fall...

he cut down his engine

while parking his bike.

white tees, rugged jeans,

ruffled hair, and

helmet mellowed spikes...

in a split of second,

that felt like eternity,

when our gaze locked,

in a pull of his garvity...

heart beats in my throat,

a buzz in my head,

sparking felings

that were so dead...

those lazy memories

still makes me sway,

as he walked to the counter

and took his take-away...

sipping his coffee

in the summer air..

i was across the street,

guess, he was aware...

silver chain in his hand,

carelessly tilted cup..

In my memory, his image

deeply sketched up.

didn't see the number plate

donno know his name

But never did i feel again

that stupid flame..

he came flying in

and vanished racing by..

i wish we would bump

into each other again,

my CCD guy..

as there were no Hi

and no good byes

we would surely meet again

My CCD guy!!

p.s:: Most of my friends know this incident. It was 1st of August 2005 evening around 7:30.. at newly opened BEL Road CCD. Today i don't even remember his face, and i wonder if i have already crossed him a several times and did not even recognise him. It was that moment, that eye contact that i still remember... A beautiful moment from an interesting chapter of my life!!!