Hoping against hope

I was walking with earphones plugged in my ears and still I could not keep the maddening noises out of my head. I was walking in a Trans. I knew in my heart he would not make it this time. As I was getting closer to the him, the nervousness bubbling inside me, wanted the roads to go on. I was afraid to reach his bedside, I was afraid to face him I was hoping against hope that I do not have to deal with this on my own.

She was sitting at his bedside chanting Mahamrituyanjaya. There was no sound in the room other than ECG beeps. The only sign telling her that he was still there. She knew he would make it. She knew in her heart that her faith would not let her down.

I tried to delay hoping that the inevitable will be delayed. But, I had to face it eventually. I entered the room and the silence engulfed me. I touched her in assurance but inside I was shaking. I hoped she would not notice it. I was afraid to touch him. Somehow that beep was not assuring me. I read the graph, betraying her faith. His breathing, the gasps for air did not look natural. In my mind I joined her in mahamrtiyunajay jaap, hoping against hope that I have misread the graph.

I could read in everyone’s eyes that there is nothing left to be done. I hugged her because I wanted to be held. She broke down into tears and asked me if he can make it. Can he come back now? I could not lie. Hoping against hope that he would, he should. I just nodded my head in ‘no’ and then I joined her in a hot stream of tears. Her whole life she had been nothing but a wife and  suddenly her whole existence was a bleak shadow of nothingness. Wife, who was hoping against hope, was allowed to be stubborn and fight for her husband’s life. She had undeniable faith in God, He could not do this to her.

I could not be stubborn, I had no belief, I had faith in none. I had no one to hold me and tell me this is life. I was staring at death and it scared me. The darkness of loneliness was clouding in my head. I looked at her and saw the darkness in her eyes. It reminded of the dark meadows in my own eyes. How could I be stubborn and ask for something which was not mine. How could I pray and ask for you, when your heart was not into me.

It was time for us to let go. Let go of what she has had all her life. Let go of someone I wanted for my life. Let go of someone I felt was my life.

That night both of us were alone, stripped from the feeling of belonging to someone. The world could see that on her face and my face betrayed nothing. How could I have lost something that never belonged to me? How could I have lost you when it felt like I never had you? The part of me which said that we belong together was turning into a fragment of my imagination. Hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day to realize that the day was just a nighmare. Hoping against hope that I can have the same faith, to fight for what I want. Hoping against hope... that what I want is true!