Free Fall

Across the hall

A frozen glance

That,

I still can recall.

Back of my mind

A hidden smile

That,

I did not care

To show at all

Toes curled,

Fingers twitched

In nervous fist

All so fast

All so subtle

That,

I noticed not,

My breath was

Stalled

To be touched

By his eyes

Burning

Skin with desire

Hold it close

In the heart

Eternity

or,

Nothing at all

Living,

Those moments

Again and again

Every fraction

Of every second

As

I recall

The stillness

And the free fall

There?

8:49 pm

There was an electronic humming and harmonic beeps in the room. It showed in the monitor that her heart was beating. Very slowly, but yes it was beating. Short even breath filled her lungs with oxygen from the cylinder.. The room was well lit, organized and maintained the most comfortable environment possible for her body.

But, she felt cold. She could hear her heartbeat in a far distance. There was an echo of her own thoughts. She was trying to recollect where she was. She fought to open her eyes but she could not even flutter them. Strangely there was no darkness, all around her she could feel soothing white light. It did not hurt her eyes, the light was mellow and foggy, she tried to focus on the light to see around. She could not see anything.

There is so much light and still I can’t see anything. There is someone talking and I cant hear it…how long have I been here? Sleeping? I am not dead… or am I?… no!!! how can I be dead and still thinking all this. There was an utter confusion and still she felt calm. She did not feel like fighting with what she felt within her. She was at ease with herself after a long long time. All those fights that she had with herself had faded away in that white glow of her mind. She felt like chuckling, she felt a little high. She wondered who all were there in that room. She tried o focus really hard to remember where she was… she tried to stretch and feel where she was but she could not move a muscle.

9:12 pm

He stretched his hands over his shoulder and tried to relax his day long tired torso. It was late and there were very few people around. There was almost harmonic chatter of keyboards. He thought of taking a brake from work and navigate through what his friends were doing. He logged into facebook and saw her update. He noticed no updates on her status update and cursed inwardly. She had asked him to call her 2 days back and somehow he had not managed to. He looked at the watch “you must be reading a book…trying to sleep”. He smiled thinking how angry she must be for not calling her back. Her perky anger always amused him. He picked up the phone to call her then decided to call her while driving back home. “I should finish this and then go home…”

“will call you on the way baby” he said out loud to the phone in his hand and then went back to the program he was working on.

9:38 pm

Its not working!!! Where is her family?

She heard a male voice that she could not recognize. It sounded friendly. In spite of the alarm in the voice it filled her mind with calmness. The friendly guy spoke again, “have you been able to trace anyone in the family yet?”

From another distance she heard a fragile female voice “yes her brother is on the way and there are a couple of people we have called from her last dialed numbers… not immediate family but close friends are here.

“last dialed numbers… which phone? Did he call? She wanted to take out her mobile from the jeans but she felt like she was floating. There was no gravity and still she had no strength to move her hand the way she wanted to. And then it struck her “Nittu is on the way here? Why? I was supposed to go to Mumbai right? Why is he coming here” She tried really hard to remember what has happened.. “ Nittu…” she screamed and her head was filled with her own voice. The white soothing light started becoming pale, orange, Red and then she saw the headlights of the bus approaching her head on. She tried to put the brakes really hard. The light hit her eyes and a gasp of air left her lungs. For a second she opened her eyes and saw the white ceiling before she closed her eyes again to the whiteness of her floating mind.

“Sir, look at the monitor”

She could here them clearly now. She knew what has happened. She wasn’t sleeping. She wasn’t dreaming. She was dying. It chocked her.

“I think she came out of the coma for a second there. Check the graph.” The friendly voice was filled with charge this time. “She is going back” said another voice and the voices started fading to that comfortable distance once again. The doctor opened her eyes to see the dilation of her pupil. Another doctor was checking her ECG graph.

“ Nothing. We lost her again”

10:02 pm

“Lost it again? Your keys?”

His friend asked him, standing lazily next to his desk. “yeah… no its here somewhere… yup got it”

“Done for the day? Its raining man…can you drop me on the way? And lets pick some food…”

“yeah sure” he switched off his system and just when the monitor went blank he thought he saw her face… that smiling face of her profile picture. I guess I am missing her. I should have called her.

“What are you smiling for?” His friend asked.

Nothing. Was thinking about the race… that was a thrilling finish. Her image appeared again in his mind and he tried to replace it with the racing podium image.

“Yeah expect the unexpected…”

10:38 pm

“When is her brother expected? We are running out of time here. Did you find any other donor? What did the blood bank say? Someone go and check again.” The doctor was loosing patience.

She was crying within. She was feeling really cold now. Can you get a blanket on me Rhea. She said like just another day at home, she had told her friend. Her friend was sitting at the bed side but did not hear it. She could feel the hands getting colder and a warm tear drop escaped and landed where they held each other. She wiped it and got up. Trying to put herself together, she had to call too many people. She did not have much time.

10:48 pm

“These days I don’t get much time to workout. Wonder when was the last time, we had hit the gym.” His friend was talking to him. He knew he had to answer to him but somehow he did not feel like talking. May be I am really tired today. Or may be it’s the rain. Suddenly it crossed his mind that she loved rain. To distract himself he switched on the FM and started humming along with Bon Jovi… I’ll be there for you…. 

11:42 pm

He was there, she knew he was there. Nittu is that you? She could feel him. She wanted to see her brother one last time. “ it is the last time. isn’t it? Sorry kiddo!!! I know you are scared of flights in the rain… I hope you weren’t scared today. I am so so sorry. I was really careful I promise but that Volvo came in wrong lane. Nittu… she tried to raise her hand to reach out to the only soul she really cared about. She knew he was there. “God just one last time let me see him. Let me make sure he is fine.” Then she felt that touch. He was holding her hand. “Are you crying? You can’t cry… you are the man kiddo stop crying” and then she felt the choking in her throat again. Her whole existence was choking; she could not take it anymore. She had to scream and say that she was there. She had to tell her brother that she was fine. The darkness started fanning on her mind. She felt suffocation. Her throat was burning but she had to do it… she gathered all her strength to move, to reach out to her brother. She screamed Nittu… it echoed loudly in her mind.

Nittu heard her. He thought he did. He looked at the pale face of her sister to see another gasp of air leaving restlessly her body. The harmony of the beats on the monitor fluctuated again. He looked up at monitor and then saw her face again. He thought he saw her opening the eyes for a split second. He looked at the doctor. The doctor placed his consoling hand on Nittu’d shoulder. “She is fighting to come out of the coma but she has lost too much blood. She has a very rare blood group only if we could find a match we had some hope. We are trying…”

Then try hard. She wanted to scream that. I want to see him once again. “Nittu bring me back. I don’t want to go.”

11:58 pm

“ I don’t want to go… you guys carry on. I have a deadline man!! Not this weekend” he spoke some other tired syllables to his friend on the phone before hanging up on him. He was really tired now. He took off his watch, glanced at it one last time before throwing it on the bedside table. Its so late and I have an early day tomorrow. He wasn’t even worried about changing if he hadn’t been a little wet. He changed and crashed on the bed. He fell asleep thinking he had not called her again.

00:26 am

“Mom had called again.. she is on the way. Just hold on a little longer.” Nittu was whispering to her. “…but how would she come? It’s a long  way. Ask her not to Nittu. I don’t have much time. She can’t see me like this. She should not see me like this. Tell her… tell her…

“you can hear me I know. I know how strong you are. We will get a donor and then everything will be fine. Just hang on a little longer di” 

She smiled. She wanted to assure him that she had heard him. He did not see that smile. He was looking at the phone blinking  Mom Calling…

00:38 am

Mom Calling…

Yes mom? Why are you up so late?

His mom was on the phone. “I had a feeling something is wrong. Just wanted to make sure you are alright”

“uff what can be wrong. Everything is fine” he grumbled sleepily.

“Had dinner?”

“Its late Ma. Of course I had dinner. I really need to sleep. Don’t worry everything is fine. I’ll call you tomorrow… good night” he stretched the blanket and grunted again, ”stupid rain...its so cold”.

00:40 am

Its so cold. She could feel the chill running through every cell of her body. She felt naked, exposed to the white fog. She was shivering. She could feel the beeps on her monitor were more relaxed and she could hear the clock ticking. She did not have much time. She had to tell her brother. She had to tell those passwords, those gifts she had bought…

She had to tell him one last time that she loved him. She had to make sure he knew that she was fine… really fine. The whiteness seemed really dense now. She knew she had to fight with herself one last time. Just this time and then everything will be fine. She was floating, tossing and turning to wake up one last time.

00:44 am

He was tossing and turning in his bed but he could not sleep. Its really late. She must be asleep. I’ll call her tomorrow. Its late… its late…sleep. He tried commanding his body to obey him. What can go wrong Ma..why did you wake me up from sleep. Its alright… everything is fine!!!

00:46 am

Its alright. Everything is fine. Don’t worry now. I don’t feel any pain…I have to tell you this kiddo…I have to see you one last time. She tried really hard this time she could see her brother. Small, tiny boy, a million years ago.  Running away from her with the TV remote. She could see her brother  hazily in the white cloud. and then 'He' appeared. He was holding the phone, talking to someone, he looked at her and smiled. He winked at her and gave that lazy nod that always captivated her. Her brother was getting further, she paused for a moment to look at 'him' one last time before she started running towards her brother. Suddenly her brother was all grown up. Taller, faster, she tried to run faster, she couldn’t even catch her breath but she could not give up. She had to reach out to him, she had to touch him. She was really close; the white clouds were becoming dark grey now. She was about to touch him, she was completely out of breath. And then suddenly she saw the brightest light…it hurt her eyes…she tried to close her eyes… and she opened it finally…

00:48 am

He opened his eyes finally. He could not sleep. He cursed, got up and went to kitchen. took a sip of water from bottle and stared at the wall clock.

00:49 am

She stared at the wall clock. She could not make anything out of it. And then his face focused in. She smiled. He smiled back and the tears ran down his face. She could hear the beeps of the monitor. She had so much to tell him.

“Don’t say anything. Just relax.” Nittu whispered

But she felt the sudden panic. She started saying something but it just made meaningless horse whispers because of the oxygen mask.

She looked in his eyes. He told the doctor, “She wants the oxygen mask removed. She wants to say something”

The doctor nodded and slowly took off the mask. There was nothing else he could do at this point.

00:50am

There was nothing else he could do at this point. He lied down on the bed and felt the phone under the pillow. He touched it with his hand, held it for a moment and said “I miss you too baby”

00:50am

… I’ll miss you kiddo” she was whispering slowly. He was holding her hand and was leaning closely to hear. She was trying to say something but she could not bring the words out. Tears welled in her eyes; she knew he could read them all.

“I’ll always love you” she whispered slowly. “…. Be… be strong.. for maa and paa…”

She could hear Rhea sobbing but she could not take a chance with moving her head to see her friend. She felt her hand and tried to hold tight to her too. Rhea felt the movement and broke down into another flood of tears.

She was looking straight in her brother’s eyes. There was so much she wanted to say. So much she had to say. “I love you...” was all she could whisper. “… tell… Ran…tell him that …I love… him”

The monitor gave a long shrill sound. There were no beeps. A long stretch of green line on the monitor and a shrilling sound. She could not hear it. She could not hear anything anymore. The doctor noted the time in the white sheet. 00:52 am

Her brother was still holding her hand. still looking at her face. Her eyes were far far off in another world. She wasn’t there.

00:52 am

 “There?” He wrote and sent the text to her number. 

 p.s.:: this is a work of fiction. No medical rationale intended.

Un-done

रेत के घरोंदे

फिसलते बंद मुट्ठी से

धीमी आंच पे

जलती ख्वाहिशें 

बेपरवाह-ए-अंजाम

चंद मंसूबे

खुरचन से ख्वाब

सीलन पड़ी दीवारों से

उड़ते रंग, चड़ते साल

बनते बिगड़ते हर काम

इस साल की 

अधपकी फसलों के नाम....

All in the Name

Crushed again,

Burst again,

Something has changed,

Something isn’t same.

No, its not sour,

It isn’t pain,

I do not feel

Anything,

I feel all the same.

I see myself

Alone

On the check board,

Was I playing by my rules,

In someone else’s game?

Where is that smile

That lit my eyes?

Where is that tear,

That fell

Untamed?

Where is the anger,

That made me

Stammer?

Where is the zitter,

That I felt

In your name?

Where is the sense

Of belonging,

When I heard my name?

Not surreal,

just indifference..

Scattered in pieces,

with no acceptance..

All those days,

appear like dreams..

Far far off

Lost in the maze,

Of my mind

In my own game.

Why did I believe

That we would live,

To see the day

Come true,

for me and you..

But I still dream

with No night

of exception,

of u, of us

of our own terraine..

Every morning,

I call you names..

and I curse myself,

For being so lame.

Only if,

I could feel

The fall..

that I had

I would have told

How hurt I was..

But I,

am still floating

over the cross lane

Or, have I already

hit the rock bottom

and have lost all touch

Of reality,

Of being humane..

I do not blame,

you or me..

As confused,

I remain,

with nothing

ascertain...

but certainly I have lost

the game..

of love..

all in the name...

of love..

Yes, all in your name,

Trying to find

my identity..
My true name!!!

Mukaam- मुक़ाम

कुछ बातें, कुछ रातें

एक पल, एक सदी

ख़ामोशी की चाशनी

कहीं रिसता पानी,

कहीं एक नाम

वो ढलती सी शाम

एक मेरा नाम

गूंजता सा

ठहरा सा

और ये मुक़ाम..

याद- Yaad

उठती गिरती लहरों में,

खट्टे मीठे पहरों में,

शामों में सहरों में,

अलसाये दोपहरों में....

पतझड़ में , बहारों में,

जो भूल बैठी,

बचपन के उन पहाड़ों में....

दिल की बस्ती में, शहरों में,

मूरत बने पत्थरों में...

मंदिर में , मजारों में,

उन लम्बी ठहरी कतारों में,

आसमां से झांकते तारों में,

छोटी सी जीत,

बड़ी हारों में...

उन हजारों इशारों में,

अनकही इकरारों में,

खुद से कर बैठी,

यू ही, उन करारों में....

एक तस्वीर तुम्हारी,

दिल की दीवारों में....

एक एहसास तुम्हारा,

मुझसे लिपटी,

करवटें लेती चादरों में....

बुझते -जलते, मिटले बनते,

धुंधले चेहरों में...

एक तुम हो,

जाने कितने हजारों में...

एक हँसी तुम्हारी,
इन बाहों की हारों में...

एक याद तुम्हारी,

मेरी नज़र के किनारों में....

This time it’s personal.

Happy friendship’s day gals… we have completed 5 years of us being just friends… not classmates/batch mates but just by the way friends.

Raga:

Remember the first year final exams when you were crying on the eve of Stats paper, I knew I had to revise but I also knew I had to be with you. I don’t know why I felt that I had to take care of you. You have this nervous energy of a child around you, anyone infected with that, feels protective about you. I have known it since then that I had to take care of you and I hope I did a good job all these years. But then I have seen you growing up and taking care of others, specially taking care of me. Thank you for knowing that I needed you even when I display it in bolds that I don’t need anyone. Those nights when you woke up to find me staring at the ceiling and said “ kya soch rahi hai so ja”… I knew you were worried about me, I was about you too gal. I knew you already had enough to worry about and I need to give you your space. Thinking of living separately those last few months was the toughest decision but we both knew that was the only solution. You could cry, I could not… I am glad you found a family again, you’ve always been a family person unlike me but I hope I would always be a part of your family like you are mine!!!

The only regret in last 5 yrs that I have is that I could not be with you to share your joy of marriage… I had something else in mind and probably that’s why “that” did not happen. But hey things happen when and how they are meant to. I was meant to be friends with you and spoil you. Miss free flow you are one special nut case and you do know that.

I know that you have doting daily soap type family and you may not miss my 24X7 entertainment. But hey you can still miss me a little…. Miss me whenever you try any of my egg recipes. Whenever you apply kajal you do know you can see me in the mirror standing behind you. Whenever you try more than two outfits while getting ready you do know somewhere I must be doing the same. You know so much about me…things I have told and things you just know…but one thing I am sure you do know that I love you and there are days when I Miss you a lot. Thank you for being a part of my life…my family.

Ekta:

In these five years I have realized that you can take any kind of criticism. So I’ll tell you something to take the burden off me today. First year of our living together was really tough and I know it must have been tough for you too. After all we weren’t really friends then, but like ever since “we were sailing the same boat”. We were both so different and had our differences. I was over sincere student, love struck and I donno what else… may be you can tell me later ( but do remember that I still don’t like people judging me so be a little diplomatic okay? :P). Then I learnt patience from you. I learnt to like you, learnt to see things in your perspective. I had this irritating habit of poking my nose into everything happening around me and advising “solution” whether it’s wanted or not. I learnt to respect your silence; I learnt to maintain a little distance till someone actually comes seeking advice. I actually learnt to keep quite.

And see now, we really are family to each other. We had our fights, we had our differences and we both changed for each other. I have no shame in saying that you have compromised more than me in last 2 years. Proof: you crave for Gobhi Manchurian now and you can eat spicy curry!!

I have already told you that you have a habit of keeping friends only from your present but I know I would be one for life. After all I am the only girl you have kissed… twice!!! One free suggestion, stop worrying about me…you do know I am strong enough to take care of myself…let loose!! I know what we have now, gives a security blanket feeling but gal its time for you to start thinking beyond this. It is time to take that leap of faith and you really do have to go first, this time. Move on and I’ll follow your foot steps.

Remember my booty dance that I do specially for you every weekend morning. Teasing you has always been fun my cheesecake. Miss me cause I sure am going to miss our rebound shopping, impulsive movies outings, discovering coffee joint …just the two of us and a lot of food!!! Those floor slides, hopping on your back, watching you struggle with just a little make up and fighting with you for Raga’s attention… Thank you for not fighting for kitchen rights… cooking is my passion and believe it or not I do not like people fiddling in ‘my’ kitchen… I am a control freak and I know you know that. You know a lot of things about me and probably know it by now that I love you too. Thank you for standing by me all these years, sometimes silently, sometimes with your stupid questions like “tumko bura nahi lagta?” and sometimes with your irritatingly sweet concern. Thank you for being my family.

And, special mention::

Funti,

I probably would have taught you a word or two when you were learning how to speak. I probably would have held your hand when you were learning how to walk and I probably would have given you an advice or two when my brain size was bigger than yours…

I don’t remember when did I start following your steps, when did I start holding your finger in time of need and when did I start listening to you advice…I have no idea when did I became so dependent on you. You are my ultimate refuge, my BFF (owing to the kitchen bitching that we do, we make a hellota better BFF than Paris and Nicole).

I know you always were probably but it took me this long to realize that you are Awesome… to have inner peace at such young age I must say!!!

Every time I keep the phone down after talking to you, I have a feeling that there is just one more thing I need to tell you. I have told you so many times that you are my best friend… tell me just once that I am yours too (… No?...eh I was just taking a chance).

I would have been nothing without you. Thank you for being there always. You ARE my family….. my real school!!! Stay Awesome Po!!!

Anyways JFTR Happy Friendship day to you too bhai!!!