Super-troubled-heroes

In a galaxy far far away, amidst the super metals and super cool grey green exteriors, was born a man who travelled all the way here, in our world, to be called the Superman. He had muscles that could give Mr. World of any year, run for his money. Eyes so blue and yet so green, that you could gasp for air and wish to be a fish. He had the best fashion sense. A suit that could showcase the perfect muscles and who else could have thought of cutting sky blue with scarlet red and just a hint of crimson yellow? He had sparkling white, all natural teeth that needed no floss. Hair groomed so well that hair gel came in fashion. And just think about his powers. Best of all, a man who could see through anything except graphite. Whohoa!!!…. And, girls don’t wear graphite, how cool is that.

No wonder he is called superman, for he can lift a gal in his arms and when he takes her for a ride he really can take her to moon and back. So a man of this caliber should have no girl problem right?!!

Wrong!!!

He is in love with a gal who married someone else while he was away visiting his planet. Well his fault. He took her for granted and went vacationing without telling her. He is so madly in love that at night he silently stalls in the air outside her home just looking at her. How lame for a man who could have it all… any girl but then such is the curse of love. He is doomed for eternity.

Then came a man, who rose up to be a hero by sharing his nightmares with his enemies. Man with the best automobile in the world. A tumbler, a tank..ohh wait the Batmobile. He could have had anyone in the world. After all, a little black dress can never go wrong. How smart is that. You think??

His childhood playmate becomes a lawyer who doesn’t have to wear a black cloak. Big shot lawyer, who says okay keep loving me but I’d be back in life only when this ‘little black dress’ is not needed. On top of that she has an affair and our poor hero keeps flying here and there saving her life every now and then. He climbs on top of a minaret at night, stand stills and thinks. It’s needless to say, boy he is so screwed!!

Do I even begin with Spiderman? Bitten by a spider, so ashamed that he wears a complete mask, revealing not even his eyes.  Kisses a gal upside down only to find out that his mega rich best friend is interested in the aspiring actress.

Ever wondered why every superheroe has a lady interest in their life and they just stay troubled. Does that mean anything? Does that mean that even super heroes just want to stay troubled? Move on buddy there are zillions of them and you are only one of your kind. I fail to understand with such great powers (which comes with great responsibility as Spidy says) why their love life remains so screwed up? Even though they are on a mission to save the world somehow it always comes down to saving the love interest. Quirky isn’t it?

So if you are a guy, normal, fairly okay or devastatingly handsome, it does not matter. Trust me if a cape, well toned body and flying up up away cant do it, nothing can. Man or superman, when it comes to girls its always complicated. A girl may say that “it does not matter who you are underneath but the actions that you take”… but when it comes to settling down she would look, evaluate and have her own opinion on what’s underneath. You are no superhero so you’ll marry her and then comes the day when she’ll say now I know what was underneath. She would complain of masking your true self. She’ll complain about being misunderstood but the fact is she herself does not know what’s underneath her. A girl always thinks that she knows her man and once you are done with (read this married) she would be the first one to say ‘I thought you to be someone else’. Well whose fault is that? But dare you ask her that.

Ever seen the Catwoman or Supergirl getting attached with any man? That’s the point. Being a girl I know how manipulative our breed is. And its so unconsciously done that 90% of my breed would not even agree of being manipulative. Trust me sister; when you shed a tear it does jerk something in a man’s heart. A man has a different psychology and physiology but he would mend his mind and body (lets not get soulful here) so that he does not have to see you cry.

In the world all men are equally troubled. Infact super heroes are super troubles as they have the super power to hang outside the girl’s window and yet they cant do a thing. The misery continues as men wants to become the superheroes for ladies. Trust me on this a gal will always have a superhero in her mind and nothing a man does can be a match for her imagination. So quit trying and be the man that you are rather the one she wants you to be. There are no happily ever after in anyone’s life so fight with her, tell her what you don’t like about her and be ready to hear the list she may have about you. She may not like a hundred things in you but if she loves you, just like  Rachel or Lois she will choose you over super heroes.

So boys if you are seeking for love you are seeking for some trouble. Trouble that would make you smile without any reason. So stay in love and stay troubled as even superheroes cant seem to have enough of it!!!

Hoping against hope

I was walking with earphones plugged in my ears and still I could not keep the maddening noises out of my head. I was walking in a Trans. I knew in my heart he would not make it this time. As I was getting closer to the him, the nervousness bubbling inside me, wanted the roads to go on. I was afraid to reach his bedside, I was afraid to face him I was hoping against hope that I do not have to deal with this on my own.

She was sitting at his bedside chanting Mahamrituyanjaya. There was no sound in the room other than ECG beeps. The only sign telling her that he was still there. She knew he would make it. She knew in her heart that her faith would not let her down.

I tried to delay hoping that the inevitable will be delayed. But, I had to face it eventually. I entered the room and the silence engulfed me. I touched her in assurance but inside I was shaking. I hoped she would not notice it. I was afraid to touch him. Somehow that beep was not assuring me. I read the graph, betraying her faith. His breathing, the gasps for air did not look natural. In my mind I joined her in mahamrtiyunajay jaap, hoping against hope that I have misread the graph.

I could read in everyone’s eyes that there is nothing left to be done. I hugged her because I wanted to be held. She broke down into tears and asked me if he can make it. Can he come back now? I could not lie. Hoping against hope that he would, he should. I just nodded my head in ‘no’ and then I joined her in a hot stream of tears. Her whole life she had been nothing but a wife and  suddenly her whole existence was a bleak shadow of nothingness. Wife, who was hoping against hope, was allowed to be stubborn and fight for her husband’s life. She had undeniable faith in God, He could not do this to her.

I could not be stubborn, I had no belief, I had faith in none. I had no one to hold me and tell me this is life. I was staring at death and it scared me. The darkness of loneliness was clouding in my head. I looked at her and saw the darkness in her eyes. It reminded of the dark meadows in my own eyes. How could I be stubborn and ask for something which was not mine. How could I pray and ask for you, when your heart was not into me.

It was time for us to let go. Let go of what she has had all her life. Let go of someone I wanted for my life. Let go of someone I felt was my life.

That night both of us were alone, stripped from the feeling of belonging to someone. The world could see that on her face and my face betrayed nothing. How could I have lost something that never belonged to me? How could I have lost you when it felt like I never had you? The part of me which said that we belong together was turning into a fragment of my imagination. Hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day to realize that the day was just a nighmare. Hoping against hope that I can have the same faith, to fight for what I want. Hoping against hope... that what I want is true!

Kasturi

एक शाम यूँ हीं

उस आईने में

धुंधली तस्वीर सी बनती है

सहमी सी, ठहरी सी

खुद के सवालों में

उलझी सी

एक आह छुपी

झिझकी सिरहन में

चाह छुपी

वो सूर्ख़ राख़ सी दहकती है

कल जाने क्या होना है

क्यों जाने क्या खोना है

अपनी तलाश में 

ग़ुम खोयी

वो कस्तूरी सी लगती है

Nothing Significant

March 15^th 2012 around 8:45 pm I met with a significantly small accident and ended up having insignificant bruises, scars, scratches and few other injuries. But this has opened a significantly wide path of philosophy on life.

No, I did not fall off my 6 inch heels and struck my head on wall to have a reality check on life. It was my first ever road accident, in the time when I have been saying a lot to myself “मैं मर हीं क्यूँ नहीं जाती”, whenever I feel helpless, like a puppet with thread in someone else’s hand.  I thought death will solve all the problems since there isn’t anything significant waiting for me in future. Something I may look forward to.

And then, when the death stares you, you don’t even realize it. The reaction time is so small that the brain seizes to think, its just reflex to avoid what’s approaching you. There is no pain, no fear, no sadness it was such a small fraction of second that I did not even scream for my life. But when it re-runs in my head, it’s all in slow motion and I see things in movie clips. I have no idea how it happened. No idea what else could have happened but I am just glad that there was nothing significant.

The re-run clip starts with the Activa, exactly perpendicular to my vehicle, right in front of me. Was it the drizzle; or was it oil on the road that made it skit? I do not know. All I have is the flashing memory of sparks coming out of that vehicle. The reflex took over, I had to avoid so I put my brakes and next thing that I know is, I was there lying in weird angle on the road. I have no idea how far was I carried or if my vehicle left a fleet of spark all around and how many brakes were pulled to avoid us. Yes now that I replay, I can see it in a mix of Bollywood- Hollywood action drama sequence. Rohit Shetty’s vehicle making a 90 degree turn on the ground with sparks all around. The screeching sound and then blink it goes dim. flash again and  a girl is lying in the middle of the road under a dozen headlights. The drizzle; as she gets up and looks around, a little shaken and far from the realization of what just happened. The sound of horns and tyres screeching on forceful brakes. But it was all mute. I could hear nothing. The first realization was that my ear pugs had come off and there was still a faint echo of the song in my mind. “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”. It all runs in slow motion but it happened all too sudden and I was back on my leg unsure of what am I supposed to do. Someone helped me pick my vehicle when he saw me bending towards it. I had not realized that It had carried itself away from me. I was sure my Tani baby would have been hurt too. No, she was fine. A few scratches here and there but the activa was shattered, so I had avoided that collision. I had avoided hitting them straight, and so many vehicles had avoided hitting us. The reality never hit me that I was in the middle of the road until a red car, still fresh in my memory, gently kissed my leg, as I was crossing the road. I was crossing the road without even looking at the traffic still trying to make way avoiding the mishap. That was my first realization that I was in the middle of the road. Before that somehow the entire universe had come down to a bleak core of nothingness.

While driving home from that point, I had mixed feelings. Nervous system was back switching on one nerve at a time. Something was hurting and some folders in my mind were rebooting.

I was suddenly glad for so many insignificant things like the road was one way, there were no hi power bus right behind me and above all even though I had no idea what just happened in that 30 seconds, but I was glad that I was alive. I was glad that I was.

Next 40 minutes of drive made me face the reality that life really is insignificant at the point when it meets the end. Unlike stories, “the end” makes everything insignificant for the one who has it. I would have felt nothing, the life that I have and the things that I want would have meant nothing as it would have lost its existence. No hurt, no pain no ambition and depression would have mattered. Everything that I am about would have come to an end at that point. I wouldn’t even have had a chance to say my goodbyes.

I know as days pass, the memory will go dimmer and one day, what I have experienced would loose the impact that it has right now. But I don’t want to let go of that moment when there was the silence amid chaos, the sluggish seconds that felt like an eternity. And the distant echo of the song replying that last line over and over “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”

The significance of my life would be if I am remembered by those I love. Acknowledged by lives, I come in touch with everyday. Would I be remembered long? I shall be missed by my friends and family but I know as the time goes on, their life would still go on. After all I am just a chapter in their life. I hope to be a significant enough chapter. A cherished and happy chapter. That’s all we all are here for. Our own life is the book consisting of many chapters of the people and experiences. But the minute this book comes to an end we know that no one gets to read it. We are our own writer and the life is one book no one can read the way you have lived it. The minute it ends, it’s the end of everything significant to you. So lets just keep writing and be a beautiful chapter in each others life.

Back home, when I told my brother, what happened and then he started small talk about insignificant stuff like how many chillies in ¾ Kg of potato, I realized how glad I was to have that silly conversation. How glad I was to hear him say “dhyan se raha kar” and how glad I am to still be able to share this experience.

Its possible that very few will read it. Very few may find it a good piece. I have written this to remember it, every time I read it. The experience that made me realize that how much ever my life may suck at times, it may have insecurities and helplessness that I cant get what I want, I may feel that the decision I have taken on my life, leaves me with nothing great to look forward to. But then I have realized, as we live, there is nothing significant about our life if we loose it. There is nothing I would have known or felt if it would have come to an end. No pain no desire.

So I am glad to be alive, to walk this life, gathering experiences, hoping I would have what I desire…as the line still echoes in my mind “ जाता क्या तेरा है… माँगा जो मेरा है ”… nothing significant but a Life!!!!

Crossroads

He paused in middle of the side walk and took his iphone plugs out. She was sitting on the park bench just two hands away from him. He could only see her side profile. With the sun on her back, her face was in the shadow. From where he looked., her hair was falling on her face as she was leaning over the book that she was reading. A smile had appeared on his face without his own notice.

He was pulled towards her, he stood behind her with the park fence between them and said “Hey you”

She did not turn; she did not jump on his voice. He thought he saw her stir a little but then he might have just imagined it.

A long moment had passed and she had not even looked up from her book. He cursed himself under his breath. May be its not her…after all it’s been more than four years!!!

He was about to turn and leave to avoid an awkward encounter with a total stranger, and then she looked up from the book. Without getting up from the bench she just turned and looked up at him.

It was her.

Four years seemed like four minutes to him. She had not changed a bit. He was laughing, he realised. A surprise, a nice and warm surprise. He had not thought of her in years and he could not believe how happy he was to see her.

She smiled back. He knew she was a little shaken but her face revealed nothing. Her smile was impersonal and aloof. She wasn’t the person he had known. She wasn’t the fighter he had witnessed. She was calm and composed, almost to the point that it appeared as if she had foreseen him walking this road today.

She got up and extended her hand to shake his. “ Hey!!” it was the same voice he had forgotten over the years. He shook her hand over the fence. It felt awkward. What was I expecting.. a hug??

He tried not to sound jerked. “ hey wassup!!! How come you are here? I thought you were settled in US.”

“You thought about me… huh?

Same wit and sarcasm!! “No.. yes.. I mean last, when I had heard of you, you were planning to settle down in US. So…”

She opened her mouth to say something but did not say a word. Instead she looked at their hands. He was still holding her hand. He let it go. She was still looking at him but he knew she had probably drifted into the past to the last time they had spoken to each other. It appeared so far away.

He jumped the fence to bridge the gap between them and stood next to her. Without a word they both sat on the bench next to each other. The pages of her book fluttered.

“So, what’s the story?” he asked her.

 She picked her book and looked at him. Her eyes were a little misty but her tongue was not tied anymore. She waggled the book on his face and said “ I thought four years would have taught you how to read... ”

The mischievousness in her tone was back. Was he glad about that? He was not sure anymore. He was not sure if he was glad to see her. He had forgotten her over the years then why sitting next to her felt so normal. Why looking at her did not fill his mind with inevitable questions. Husband!!? It felt so unreal but the undeniable truth was that she was married. He could not understand why she still looked the same. His woman!!

Before he could say anything, she said “So what’s your story Danny? What brings you here?

“I am working on a project here. My first week and I ran into you.  Crazy isn’t it? But what are you doing in Bristol?”

“I live here”

“ahh.. the traveller in you or your husband is making you take a world tour huh? ” he did not mean to but he could sense the retort in his own voice.

She looked at him and smiled. “I live here and work here”

She had still not said a word about her husband. Why? He wondered.

“What about you? Your wife is accompanying you? “

“No.. she would be joining me in a month. VISA issue.”

Yes, they both were married! The truth just hit him. Was she looking at him the same way he was looking at her? Suddenly last four years did not matter. He had reached out to her, all of those four years ago.

“Do you?” she had asked him. “Well do you want to or you don’t?” her question was echoing in his mind. It had travelled four years to stall in this moment.

He looked at her, unsure of what to say. A lock of her curls had escaped and was bothering her. He felt a compulsion to do something about it. His hand still remembered the touch of her hair.

“Her poky broom” he remembered teasing her and both of them smiled at the same time. As if she knew what he was thinking, she put the lock behind her ears and asked “still bother you?”

He laughed and nodded ‘yes’. She hit him jokingly and then awkwardly pulled her hand back. He felt that awkward jerk too. He had not realised how much he had missed her, teasing her, fighting with her and loving her. He wondered if she felt the same way. She read his mind again and replied “initially I missed you a lot. Every single day I hoped that you would realise what were you going to loose.”

She paused and he did not know if he was supposed to answer to that. He  was looking at his shoe laces and she said again “… but I guess you did not loose anything. You married the one you wanted to, the one you were destined to and I am sure you both are really happy.” There was a bright smile on her face. He knew it was genuine.

“ Marriage is no big deal, didn’t I tell you so” he tried to lighten it up.

“hmmm you did.”

“So what’s your big deal? Where is your husband?”

“..in US”

“… and you here!!..are you…is he.. did he..??”

“Chose NOT to be with me?” she finished his question and then after a pause finished her thought “…just like you!?”

He did not answer. What was he supposed to say when she still thought he had chosen that. He had not. He did not know what to say. He was just startled to know that she was all alone. Then why didn't she go back to India? “..are you? Did he…?”

She answered before he could decide how to frame his question subtly.

“ no, he did not. We are very much married. His work keeps him travelling and I found a hanger here. That’s it.”

Something in her tone told him that this wasn’t the woman he had known. There was no passion in her voice. She had accepted… defeat? He wondered if he was the reason.

The toddler playing right in front of them came dusting her hands by her sides. He had not noticed the small girl but now as she approached them, something in her face told him that now those questions, reasons, accusations, hurt, those last four years did not matter.

She bent to hold the child, who had found her spot, between of her mother’s arms. “Ma…hungry”

“Say hello to…” she paused looked at him and said “Danny uncle”

He looked deep into her eyes to see the missing spark returned, around her daughter. Negative. How could he describe this woman? ...perfectly normal?? No sign of her unshakable, unbound energy and passion in life. Then he looked at the little girl looking at him. She had her eyes, the same spark and the curve of her lips that could make anyone smile. He offered his hand to say hello “ and who might u be?”

“Her name is Kaya… she cant talk much yet”

“That’s unusual for ‘your’ daughter” he was still looking at the kid who was trying to evaluate this stranger under good or bad category. And then she informed both of them “ Kaya…hungry”

Danny laughed. “ Definitely your daughter!! ”

She threw her novel in the big bag and took out a tissue to wipe kid’s hands. She started to get up then sat back with the kid in her lap. She looked at him one last time. “ It was nice meeting you. Its nice to know that… well nothing new that I learnt…but  Its just nice… I mean it was a nice surprise”

Kaya approved, "Nice.. Good..Nice!!"

She started walking with kaya tagging by her side.

The evening sun was casting their long shadows on the ground. He could not take the eyes off them. Was this another good bye? He never said good bye to her. He called out to her “ Rhea!!!”

Kaya turned before she did…they both paused for him to say something.

“It was nice running into you today. May be we can catch up again”

She did not say a word. As she was turning back she heard him, “I hope your husband knows that he is a very lucky man!!”

She turned before the tear could fall from her eyes and whispered, I am sure your wife  knows how lucky she is!!!

Lovebruary...

February- the month we brew love!!!

Just like every other girl, all my life I have been trying to find that one person who would love me for who I am. Blame it on being born as Aries, believing in miracles and being just hopelessly romantic, does not help much otherwise. But should I really blame this on my sun sign? I am drawn towards mind more that anything. There is an ongoing analysis in my head to decode the thought process of whoever I meet. I don’t judge (no, seriously) but I am just curious to an extent that if there was a scientific  tool called “mind decoder”, I would have had that junk. And who captivates me? Just like Edward in Twilight, I fall for one whose mind is beyond me. Who can keep me thinking about him just because I can not figure out what he has been thinking.

Someone once said to me that love is nothing but a state of hallucination. I am not very sure if I buy that but it sure does make sense. A state of hallucination, where everything looks foggy, yet beautiful. We are so caught up with the emotional “high” that we let the one we love, get away with almost anything. Something he said or did would hurt for a while but do we feel the pain?… No!!! Its only when the drug wears off…there is pain, desperation and a feeling of being completely at loss. You look back and you don’t even remember the path you have been walking on. There is this hangover of love, when there is a nagging buzz in the head and a headache that makes you feel like shit. Love sure is a drug, an addiction. When the supply is over it makes you desperate to cling on to anything, something to fill the mind with and hopelessly we try to find just another small dose to keep us alive.

But isn’t Love just a hyped emotion? Probably the most talked and discussed about human emotion in the world. Every one will market that drug free of cost and would say that it makes you feel alive and gives you positivity. then why is it that pain becomes synonym of true love? Is it our obsession for pain? Pain looks real, makes us look tougher and makes us look a bigger person in our head. May be that's why they say the path of love is always thorny. After all, we all want to be a bigger person, living for a "cause". And believe it or not, love has a fair share in everyone's "cause" of who they are.

So undeniably I am not untouched from love either. It has touched me, made me smile unreasonably, made my stomach churn, made me skip so many beats and at times made me feel like a shit. It has made me derive a hundred hypotheses on the course of events  of my life. I have taken the plunges and I have surfaced. I have hoped against hopes of being together and I have hoped that one day I’ll be able to reason myself of why I feel the way I feel. What is the reason that makes someone so special? If this time it’s real, why did it take so long to reach here? There were days when I had given up all hopes of being together and still a tiny flicker said I am still praying every single day. I have tried cutting all ties thinking that I have brought bad luck, that its just not meant to be and then I have asked myself if this is not supposed to be why did this happen. Why did I fall so miserably? Questions, even Google can not answer. Questions that when answered would loose its meaning. The state of hallucination, remember? These questions aren’t supposed to be answered. These questions create that fog in the head that keeps us all, especially me, walking on this road filled with confusions. I seek drama in life and so I like it this way. Not knowing what the future awaits, not knowing if I am right or wrong. It feels so right to be together and feels so wrong to adjure anyone for our togetherness. I have never wished for anything for myself then why do I need to ask for something that feels so mine? So I pray to be strong to let go  and the answer I get is, “I” am the one who is holding on. One of my favourite song has a line “ I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all”. So, how much ever hurt I may, I choose this. I choose to walk all scarred. Choose to stay this way still believing that “Miracle happens to those who believe in it”. One day you will also believe that you are my miracle. Till then, happily confused, happily starry eyed and miserably in love…   and JFTR Happy Valentine ’s Day!!!

Free Fall

Across the hall

A frozen glance

That,

I still can recall.

Back of my mind

A hidden smile

That,

I did not care

To show at all

Toes curled,

Fingers twitched

In nervous fist

All so fast

All so subtle

That,

I noticed not,

My breath was

Stalled

To be touched

By his eyes

Burning

Skin with desire

Hold it close

In the heart

Eternity

or,

Nothing at all

Living,

Those moments

Again and again

Every fraction

Of every second

As

I recall

The stillness

And the free fall