Happy Valentines Day!!!
Love is in the air as we are standing mid February. Love it is… but I haven’t said it before and I know I am not brave enough to say it loud to those who matter the most. So here I am saying it on a forum where I know it would not be seen by those, to whom its said.
I remember ’97 when DTPH had released and it gave that purnima chhap Indian touch to V-day. Maa hated the westernization and so she hated V-day idea too. Then a couple of years later when our relation was on an all time low…she wished me early morning on 14th and I could not even bring myself to say same to you. That hug that I couldn’t accept and return said it all. Today when I look back, I wonder if all those fights were really worth of growing up! Today I call her every year to wish on V-day (and yes Mother’s day too). She calls me when she is scared of telling anything to pa, she confides in me, she shares her joy and my pain. If I don’t talk to her in a week I really do feel that something is missing. And then, I wonder how I used to survive those months, under the same roof, when she didn’t talk to me. Guess we are both grown ups now…so yes Maa wish you a very happy Valentine’s day. I Wish I could return that hug, I try these days if you have noticed. Now that I know that if I would have had accepted your wish and hug that day, may be I would have learnt a lot of things and would have grew up long back. You have stood by me all theses years inspite of the fact that I never really achieved what you wanted me to. I miss your fanaticism for safayi and I miss your scoldings. Only if I could tell you Maa that I love you.
Just last year, the bricks of my life started falling off and the first person that I called was Pa. Knowing very well that he wasn’t well himself, that he just had a set back and was probably not strong enough. But when I needed something stable in my life I knew I could count on him. At all of 10, I have pa’s memory from the days when I came back to stay with him and knew nothing about him. I was dead scared of him. I used to envy all my friends who used to chit chat with their dad but we never had a dialogue per se. When I was forbidden to go out of house to play, he used to ask me every evening to take a walk. That one line meant more than any full length dialogue if we might have had one. Today I remember all those small gestures like he took me out so that I could meet my guy. He teased me that I din tell him myself about the guy. During
We used to fight every day over remote and a hundred other things that I don’t even remember now. All I remember that you used to irritate me. I couldn’t stand you in my side of our room. I hated playing ‘your’ carom, hated taking ‘your’ cycle to school and hated the fact that it still felt that I was an outsider and was sharing ‘your’ parents. But then I still remember that small piece of paper on my pillow that said ‘sorry’. I still remember that you always equally divided every single chocolate… even when I was not home, you would divide and have my share too. You were my only pillar of strength for as long as I remember. From my ‘jail’ days to my break ups. Your motivational talks when I had result jitters and then it all came true when I did Top. I would never forget those 7 brushes that you bought me to put the colours back in my life. The fact that you waited for me to share the joy of giving you first salary gift to ‘our’ parents makes me feel special beyond words. I wish I could say that it was fun growing up with you… lets face it growing up was no fun but I couldn’t have asked for a better brother, friend and my guardian angel. When I say that nothing I say would be enough, I truly mean it. Have I told you enough kiddo that I love you!!
p.s. :: This is the only full family photo I have on my system :(
Sorry kiddo i couldn't do better than this at photoshop in such a short time
I had walked those paths a thousand times. So what was it that felt different today? Today somehow it felt like i have completed a full circle, small yet, a full circle. As i climbed on the pavement, a brush of air greeted me. Yes, it recognised me. Nobody asked my identity, as if i really belonged there. I closed my eyes and breathed in the air that felt like home.
As I walked on, washed in the dull yellow street light, i remembered all those evenings when it did not feel so dull somehow, coz back then there were so many faces that used to greet me, knew me, today i was alone. I saw the hospital’s clumsy dark emergency entry and i could almost see in 3D, us three, sitting there. Those gossips and bitching. I had not known before, that guys are great at bitching too. Those giggles and comments on whoever would pass by... and then i saw myself passing by, wondering what would have i commented on myself! Shift to another folder in my memory, and i saw myself sitting with him, that once, when i had met him for the first time. Happy memories disappeared as i came back to today and walked ahead. Yes i have come a long way in these 5 years and have really grown up to be a different person. Those happy memories did not bring pain and tears as i had expected but a smile of content that those so many moments I had lived, are still with me.
As i walked ahead and reached the circle, the stairs stared at me. Almost complaining- “look you have deserted me!!” The street light was mellowed by the huge tree that I don’t remember from ‘my days’. It did not recognize me either. It questioned my identity. Standing near the stairs, I looked around almost expecting the guard and his whistle but he was no where to be found. The place looked really dull today but I could see all of us, our chatter, our panchayati, gal problems, guys problem.. and those curses, some learnt some invented.
I moved on, saw those bikes… group of guys, chatting, fagging and I suddenly felt so out of place. Just then I heard myself “abe chai kaun kaun pi raha hai?koi ja k order karoge?” and the smile was back on my face. That 2Rs tea around that circle, those whistle, just when the gates were about to be closed, meant more than sipping cappuccino at CCD. I walked inside the Food court and looked in front, the Veg vendor was closed. You don’t need to fight for chairs in the food court anymore? Not even inside? Half of the tube lights were off and the silence was unnerving.
Came back to the Stairs…apna adda, out marked space!!! Fighting with self, I sat down eventually. Yes I could feel all of you around me. Ankita smiling at me, Neha holding my hand, Raga hugged me, Ekta was concerned, Mishu said “ patient to hum the na?”, Shrawni’s mad laugh, Geetika’s electrifying smile, Chetan and his stupid dance, Arup was learning how to be Ross, TD and his “chhor na”, Richu’s shahi lacknawi hindi, Jigyasa and her naughty stare, Samir ka “kaisa laga?”, Nikhil “Bing”, Sanjeet and his Dhoni stories, Mrinal scared of walking behind galz when I whistled and they thought its him, Golu-my all time partner for black current softy… Debo and Shweta upgrading my “Basics”, That was me…that was Ramaiah.
I know I would never ever see you all together again. But there in that moment I had all of you with me…Ramaiah is nothing without you all. Miss you all and would give anything to see us together again…One day.
Dated: 29th Nov 2010.
Self assessments::Random thoughts!!!
Which are not so random. It’s a turmoil, an ongoing discussion in my mind. I wonder what it feels like to be Phoebe and have people talking in her head because I am simply exhausted listening to my voice, my own flood of thoughts.
Being Aries can be curse at times when you let someone enter your world. OK!! lets not generalize a sun sign and I should speak for myself.
I had read long back in Linda Goodman’s book that Aries live in their own world. They are just happy and always occupied with their own little things. Obsessed with their hair and always find something so interesting in their nails that the rest of world, standing right in front of their eyes just vanishes.
I feel, I live in a bubble and I am very happy and eager to meet people only until, they don’t try to burst my bubble. It’s very rare that I let anyone enter my bubble but since the bubble I live in is so transparent people don’t really realize that there is anything keeping me shielded. So, those I interact with everyday just assume that what they see is real me. But the fact is even I don’t know the real me and sometimes I wonder who are these people who are so sure of what they are and how they feel. Most of the times I really don’t know what I feel!! If I am sad I am sad and I don’t know why something so silly has affected me. When I am happy there is this music in my bubble and I am just amused. People looking from outside find it funny that I am happy for no reason at all but what they don’t know is that I have another world inside that bubble that they can’t see. A world of my own, world of my dreams, my thoughts, my ideas and mostly the memories I cherish.
My problem starts when I let someone enter the bubble and I don’t know what to do with him/her. It’s even worse if that person has no idea that he has entered my bubble. Its conflicting cause being in the same bubble I want to share everything, after all I am suppose to be a great host. But since he is unaware of the whole bubble thing he just doesn't see my world. Its disappointing and again taking from Linda Goodman, being an Aries, I do behave like a small child… who has been devoid of attention. So I do everything in my hand to gain that attentionback. I do some funny things, some smart things, things to show that hey I am growing up can’t you see that? If all of this doesn’t work then I feel angry and then even if that is not noticed… I cry. Then again, remember I am a baby and I am not suppose to cry for long coz just like a baby I would burn my hands again and again until I grow up and realize that touching the flame does no good.
So how long am I going to cry to get the attention? Until I get what I want or simply start ignoring him/her and look around searching for someone i can count on. Ignoring me is the last thing i expect from anyone. Just acknowledge my presence and i am game for almost anything. But there is this twist in the tale, its very rare that i would come and tell you that you are one of the few lucky ones, who is part of my bubble. you just have to keep looking for the sign i drop here and there. Trust me! i expect you to notice those signs.
All my life I had a silent companion at the edge of my bubble. I don’t know if he is inside but I know for sure he is around. He is there listening to my cribbing, making sure that I know of my short comings, sometimes proud of my little sweet achievements and sometimes just smiling knowingly at my attention seeking tantrums. Trying his best that I do not let undeserving people enter into my bubble and at times even trying to protect my bubble from unwelcoming intruders. My kid brother who stands beside me all grown up, guides me like an elder brother and is a friend I see in none else.
PS:: I had written this piece about a month back when my friends were dissecting me right in front of me and i was pushed to analyse myself. Even some 'strangers' were reporting my quirky traits. They claim to know me better than i know myself so i thought lets give it a try to find what really makes me Me!! After writing this i buzzed my bro with "can i miss you?' and he replied ":P yes you can but then it depends why?"
Its an honest analysis.Just another fact that i really am a bit self obsessed...who else analyses herself just for fun!!!
