Gaanth- गांठ

छनकती, छिटकी चांदनी

झांकती चटके कांच से..

सुलगती, सीपती, शबनमी,

बीती रातों की आंच पे.....

बिखरी बातों की उलझनें,

कटी डोरी जो मांझ से..

गिरते उमंग की खिरचें,

खिंचती, मिटती हर साँझ में...

गुमसुम, गुमनाम चाहतें,

मन की गांठों में, फांस में..

तुमको पाने का इक फितूर,

अब भी है सुबह की झांस* में...

भूला, धुंधला धुन कोई

छुपा कहीं एक बांस में..

बन जाये वो बांसुरी,

आस बसी हर सांस में...

* locally used in hindi for the the sensorial one gets while using raw mustard oil/seed or while peeling onion. The buzz that it send to the head.

Just another special day...

HONK!!!!The car stopped with a screeching sound. “Oh sorry” she said with a nervous smile. She has been completely lost in her own world. Holding flowers in one hand, grocery in the other and planning the evening ahead of her. She cursed herself and hoped the flowers did not feel her shake within.

He would scold her if she told him that she was about to come under a car, holding flowers in her own hands. She smiled inwardly. And to imagine on his birthday!!!

She reached home and placed flowers in the vase. He did not like flower much. He was just indifferent about them. But today is a special day. She wanted to make this day special for him. She had planned everything, a warm birthday eve with just the two of them. Of course tomorrow will be party with his friends, their relatives but today it was just the two of them. His favorite chicken recipe, some Chinese noodles. She smiled again.

She was singing with the stereo playing her favourite song. OK it was his favourite song but now it had become her favourite too. That’s what happens. Now, his likes and dislikes were hers.

She had cut all vegetables for noodles and chicken was marinating too. She thought of taking a quick shower before he comes home. She scanned the drawing room in a quick glance. His shoe was hiding under the sofa. How many times?? It runs in the Y chromosome I guess!!

She had taken shower. Everything was ready in the kitchen for quick hot noodle. Chicken was ready to go in microwave. She looked at her watch. He should have been home by now. Today some new excuse for sure!!!

She was getting a bit restless as another half an hour had passed. She was trying to calm herself surfing the channels but nothing could hold her interest. The doorbell rang and she hurried to open it.

He was standing there, sweaty, dirty and holding a muddy ball in his hand. She didn’t know whether to scold him for coming late or just hug him. She tried to sound a little strict and said “look at you. Go take a shower first. Why are you late by the way?”

He replied “I didn’t wear watch today Maa. I did not know that I was running late”. He smiled sweetly and added, “You know I don’t want to get scratches on your gift”

She was arranging his shoe in the rack, football already in its place. “Ok go take a shower now. I’ll prepare dinner”

“What are we having today” he enquired running inside the kitchen.

“chowmein and roasted chicken” she replied knowing he would just love it.

He didn’t sound very happy. “umm I thought I can make Maggie today. Tomorrow we can have chicken and all in the party. But it’s ok”

At all of 11, Maggie making was his new passion. “Its ok we’ll have Maggie. Its your birthday tomorrow so whatever you want”

He turned around and hugged her. “You are the best Maa”

“ Aaagrh!! I had just taken bath!!! Go get a shower first then you get a hug!!!”

He ran towards the bathroom “OK maa towel!!! And you are still the best” He was humming the same song under the shower. She joined in the chorus humming slowly while looking for his night tracks.

Its a special dedication to all the single Mums this Mother’s day. It’s not easy to raise a child on your own especially when you are not a celebrity. I have been observing a single mum-son duo for over an year now. I salute her bravery for the choice or rather sticking to the only choice left to her. I salute her zeal for life. The son is a remarkable kid and at such young age, I can read the concern for his maa in his small endeavors of making tea, coffee and keeping himself engaged at his maa's office at times. It’s a special bond they share, that i can not put in words. Big hug to both of them and Cheers to the spirit of Motherhood!!!

Antardwand

A dying flame which flutters every time I go back in my mind. I wish I never had May 2010 in my calender...when I lost her. I had known her all my life. If I call her today she would pick up the phone and tell me she is still there but I know I can never reach her again.

I miss you D.

ज़िन्दगी की किताब के

पन्ने पलट गये

तुम क्या गये

हम बदल गये…

छिटकी चांदनी में

सिसकती रात और

अँधेरी सुबह के

आसमान बदल गये...

बारिश में जलती

सोंधी धरती,

ये सिहरती धूप,

हर मौसम बदल गये...

कोरी आँखों के

धुंधले सपने,

अपनों की अक्स के

चेहरे बदल गये...

हाथ बढाया तो

साथी छूट गये,

कदम बढाया

तो राह बदल गये...

तुम से मिल के भी

तुम से ना मिले,

तुम्हारी तस्वीर के

रंग बदल गये...

कुछ इस तरह

हर बात उलझी,

कि सच और झूठ के

मायने बदल गये...

काश वो दिन ना आते

जब बचपन बदल गये,

दिन बदल गये

अब तो साल भी बदल गये...

Talaash

She was trying to tell me something for a long time. She tried, really hard but she couldn’t. I wish she had said something before she fell silent. I wish she had said anything before running away from me.

I am desperate to tell her that I was listening to all her silly ideas. I never told her that. It has been long since I have heard from her. It has been ages since I have seen her. I try to find her every now and then. When it rains, I look out hoping to see her. I know she loves rain, she hums in the rain. I know she is shying away in some corner. I know if I look out under that shed, in the corner, I may find her squealing with joy, drenched in rain.

I don’t even remember the last time I had heard her laugh. A full throttle, uncontrollable, infectious laugh. She used to laugh with me secretly even in those gloomy days. I wish I had noticed when she just stopped laughing. I don’t even remember what had made her so silent.

I remember those nights, when I used to sit with her looking at the street light!! It had nothing special but I knew it brought a sparkle in her eyes. Those nights; when I had counted stars with her, looks like a galaxy ago. She knew so many stars. She wanted to be one. Suddenly, one day she had no desire left of being one. Of being anything. It was the night, when she stopped dreaming. I wish I remembered that night but I don’t. If I look out of my window to see the street lights again, would I find her there?

She used to hold her breath during sunset. I have seen the change of colours in her eyes, as sun melted at the edge of the river. I have seen her bitter sweet smile, her anticipation of seeing it over and over every evening. She had dreamy eyes with a hundred stories in them. I don’t remember the last time those stories had a happy ending.

She had an eye for trees. They spoke to her. They were different shades of green, orange, blue and purple. They were her moods. They were how she wanted to be; grounded yet free, branching out to reach the sky. The shade was dark, where she hid her secrets, but it soothe her in the heat. Her trees never bore flowers. I wish I had noticed it then. I wish the last time when I saw a tree without leaves; I had known what she wanted to tell me.

I wish I had sensed her good bye. I don’t even remember how far long back she left me. I wish I could see her one last time. Hold her, hug her and plead her to stay with me forever.

I wish I could find her again. The child in me. The little girl, who had dreams and stories, excitements and disappointments. Only to wake up every morning with a new dream and a smile.

Venus::Love at First Sight

Version:: Venus

(do read Version::Mars before or after this post to get the complete Picture. http://ritzdreamer27.blogspot.com/2011/04/marslove-at-first-sight.html)

“Do you believe in Love at first sight?”

I had to be that stupid? Of course no guy in this world believes in love. Love is for moonstruck teenagers. C’mon now tell me that on my face that I am stupid and kiddish.

He smiled. A sweet, electrifying smile. He must be laughing at me. Look at that smile. Yeah I am sure he thinks I am just like every other girl. Now he would tell me that I need to grow up. I really had to ask him that? Why can’t I just sit silently? Damn his smile!!!

“You did not answer me. Do you?”

“Ah what? Love?” He is still smiling, I made a mental note. “Who does these days? It’s so filmy isn’t it? Why don’t you order something?”

We haven’t? I thought we did already. I am loosing my mind. Few minutes in his company and I am diving deep into his eyes. What’s wrong with me? He has such a magnetic smile. He knows that. He knows the effect it has on me. This guy can read me inside out. Ah!! I wish I had a safety blanket to just disappear into.

Am I the only grown up on this planet to sound so stupid and ask a man about love on the 2^nd date? Look he is still smiling. He finds it amusing that I sound so silly. He has an infectious smile. An intriguing curve of the lips, that lit up his eyes. Ohh damn those eye, like it can read my mind. This man really has an effect on every single woman I bet. “Hmmm you are right. It’s so filmy. But I think it can happen to anyone anywhere. Like you know my sister saw this guy in her class and fell in love. Of course it did not happen suddenly but it happened eventually. You know.”

Damn I am discussing my family with him. How long have I known him? 48 hrs and I am discussing my family. Guys freak out if you talk about family!! I really should keep my mouth shut.

“What can I say? Love happens when you are a teenager. After that whoosh!!!” “You meet, you take time to know each other and you just like each other I guess. I don’t know how a person can fall in “Love” ..ahhh its so so filmy”

I should have seen this coming. So he thinks I am a drama queen. Filmy?? I guess I am but he wasn’t supposed to know that. Does he know that I imagine myself when I see a song. He is still looking at me. Waiting for me to say something?Damn those eyes. It has a pull, gravity and a charisma. Its almost like I am drowning. God I need to concentrate. I need to be in control.

Our order came and he wasn’t even bothered about his food. Salad?? Really? Intriguing!!! Good.. now rest of the evening I can ponder over deciphering the code ‘salad’. Is he hinting I should be concerned about my weight and eat healthy food? My fruit blast is healthy right. I shouldn’t gulp it down in one go. He is still looking at me. I hope he doesn’t judge me by the choice of my food.

I should just agree with whatever he says. He wouldn’t be judgmental that way. “I guess you are right. I am still to grow up I guess. I still believe in love at first sight you know. I mean it may or may not work out at the end but love is love right?” That was smart. He should agree with this. It gives him both the options. Huh I am not making any sense to myself and I expect him to say something on that. Damn damn!!! But he can say something to make me feel less uncomfortable right? Anything!!

I am so irritated with myself. How can he make me so uncomfortable? “uff you speak so less. You don’t have anything to say?”

Here came the smile again with a casual shrug to unnerve me? “ Arre nothing like that. I was listening to you. I am a good listener”.

That’s cute. That’s impossible to find. Men just talk and talk and talk.. so there exists another breed of men who can actually listen? I smile inwardly with the idea “That’s a very rare trait to find in a guy”

“You’ve got beautiful eyes” He said with that super cute smile.

“Oh thank you” that’s enough I don’t need to flutter my eyes. It was like a reflex.. before I could stop it I had done it. Shit he must be thinking I am flirting with him. A nice compliment about eyes and I had to behave like that.

“so you like cheese sandwich?” he asked me with yet another smile.

Thank you for changing the subject. Can he actually read my mind? He knows that I am on live wire?

“I love cheese. There is nothing called too much cheese. The more, the better.”

No really, what’s wrong with me? Now he will think I am some food frenzy. I hog on cheese. Damage control time.. I had to push away the plate. “I am full. Can’t have more. You haven’t even touched your salad. Not good?”

“It’s good. Don’t know.. I feel full too.”

He doesn’t like my company at all. He couldn’t even finish a salad? Why can’t I be little fun to be with. I shouldn’t torture him more.“Let’s go then. I guess only the two of us are left in the cafe. It’s getting late”

“ Hmmm I’ll ask for bill”

No. Please don’t. I want to sit like this forever. Even if we don’t speak for the eternity, I just want to see you smile.

“So what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Lets see.. Its Monday so office and home I guess” I shouldn’t even dream that he wants to spend the rest of the evening with me. He is asking about tomorrow because I am not there in his tomorrow.

“hmmm Monday. Weekend over huh!!”

It is. But there are other weekends to come. Should I dare to wait for your call? God I don’t want this night to end if this is the last time I am seeing you. “I know… so fast isn’t it?!!!

The waiter came. He was making payment and I couldn’t bear to look at him. Depart and all the insecurities with it, was poking me. I shouldn’t give it away. He can read my mind, see it in my eyes. So I was looking away, something on the wall. I knew he was looking at me. Trying to analyse how the evening went probably. Please tell me I have another chance. I wouldn’t act so stupid, I promise.

We got up and started walking towards the door. He was walking just a step behind. I could sense him, I could feel the pull to just stop and walk next to him. Hold on to his hand. How would it feel to lock my fingers with yours?!!! Just the thought had brought a smile on my face. God I wish I could just turn around and see him smile… just one more time.

Rain

It was raining, in her heart, in her mind and outside. She was standing at the doorstep of her balcony, as the tiny droplets carried itself with air and brushed against her cheeks. I need to call someone. I need to speak to someone. She started going through the phonebook in her mobile. Should I call Alya? Its Saturday, she must be out with her boyfriend. Fida must be running behind her toddler, she would get worried. I shouldn’t call home. Thank god I am not at home. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I were at home with mum’s poking eyes trying to reach the deepest of my mind. There is no one I can call?

“Yeah, I’ll be with you in two minutes” she replied back at the top of her voice.

Her friends were watching the match. She is not the kind of person to leave a crucial match and let her coffee stand cold on the table. Something was bothering her. There was a distant sadness on her face and an effort, to look cheerful when she smiled. She was humming a song, not because she was happy but because she was so lost in her thoughts that she did not even realize it.

“Hey what are you doing out here? Come see the match. We are thrashing Pakistan” Dev came with her mug of coffee. He already knew she would not come inside. He knew she is thinking something. He had known her for over three years now. She was married to his best friend and they all had become like a family. “What are you thinking? Something is wrong? Jay was saying you have been a little down for coupe of days now.”

“It must be the pressure of world cup!! It’s difficult to win world cup back to back right?” She laughed nervously. She thought she wasn’t giving it away. “I still remember the last time we had won you know. Looks like a distant dream now but when I recall… it’s still so fresh, like it happened just yesterday” She paused giving him a cue to say something but he did not. He was trying to understand if it made any sense. She looked OK; probably a little lost but may be she is lost in her memories.

“Actually I thought of calling home but then just got carried away looking at this beautiful rain. I’ll make a quick call and be back” she smiled warmly trying to assure him.

“Ok don’t take long. You are missing some excitement you know.”

She pretended of calling home, while Dev went back to his comfortable chair in front of TV. He assured her husband, “she is fine, just on the phone”. They squealed as another six was hit.

It was pouring heavily now. There was a flutter of curtain trying to pull her inside the room. She was calmly looking at the rain, walking towards the center of the balcony, unknowingly. Trying to wash off her thoughts, trying to melt in the water and just then, a tiny drop fell from her eyes. The rain was pouring on her, claiming her, not soothingly but harsh and cold. Her mobile was blinking in her hand, somebody was calling her. And, she broke down into irreversible flood of tears, gushing and mixing in the rain. She was craving for a human touch. Somebody to hold her and tell her that life is beautiful if she can just forget that exciting chapter she had. She now had a family, a husband and hundreds of friends. Why did she feel lonely when she had so many people around who genuinely cared for her?

“Does he even remember me now? Did he ever try to reach me? I had made a promise jokingly, that I would make India win 2015 World Cup for him. Would he remember me today…. if we won?” she was whispering to herself.

Four years!!! I have a happy normal marriage. A family, friends but still sometimes I wonder if he would have taken a different decision, how different my life would have been. My life-with him. We were both so similar and so complicated. There were a thousand things, I did not tell him. A thousand unspoken things, I wanted him to understand. I knew I would not break down if he let go off me, but I never told him how scared I was of rejection, a burden to carry all my life? I had loved him but I never fought back to make him understand that he didn’t need to let go. Life is complicated. We all are. I was and I still am. I loved him enough to take him as he was. Today I wonder if he loved me too. If he thought of me … ever.

“OMG!!” she exclaimed, sprang back to present and ran towards the hall, leaving a trail of water on the carpet. “It kicked.. uh.. I mean baby… not it… the baby kicked!!! For the first time!!! Jay it kicked…can you feel it?”

Jay was stunned, trying to feel her wife’s belly. “ huh… why are you wet? You have been crying?”

Dev’s wife hugged her and made a dramatic face. “My God Juhi, I did not know you were so emotion. First kick and you have happy tears all over you. Just wait woman very soon you'll find him kick boxing!!”

Juhi smiled “Damn hormones!!! See what pregnancy has made me? A crying woman!!!”

Jay hugged her and said. “Thank God!! You had to realize someday that you are woman” She retorted “yeah right!!! Now let me go I need to change before baby feels cold”

Yet another six!!!

“You guys know what …treat is on me. Consider this match won. We are going to win this world cup hands down”

It had stopped raining.

Mars::Love at First Sight

Version:: Mars

“Do you believe in Love at first sight?”

She asked me detached and with such casual shrug that I wondered if she can read my mind. Have I been staring at her so long to have lost track of time. How long it has been that I have been trying to figure out the colour of her eyes. It’s brown for sure. No wait its 'honey'!!

“You did not answer me. Do you?”

“Ah what? Love?” I gave a quirky smile. “Who does these days? It’s so filmy isn’t it? Why don’t you order something?” Gosh am I rambling??

“Hmmm you are right. It’s so filmy. But I think it can happen to anyone anywhere. Like you know my sister saw this guy in her class and fell in love. Of course it did not happen suddenly but it happened eventually. You know.”

I don’t know anything you know. Don’t even know what actually you call love. Ummm it’s definitely honey kept in a white plate out in the sun.

“What can I say? Love happens when you are a teenager. After that whoosh!!!” I was making gestures in air. Ohk so I am being dramatic in front of this super crisp girl. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I carry out a grown up conversation??“You meet, you take time to know each other and you just like each other I guess. I don’t know how a person can fall in “Love” ..ahhh its so so filmy”

Our order came and I couldn’t help but just notice the curve of her lips as she took first sip of some fruity blast. Her eyes were down as if concentrating at the bottom of the glass. A lock of hair brushing against her cheek and the tiny frost vapours at the rim of the glass. I wish I was a painter. Does she know she looks like this?

A bite of sandwich just melting into her mouth and she said, “I guess you are right. I am still to grow up I guess. I still believe in love at first sight you know. I mean it may or may not work out at the end but love is love right?”

God!! Am I supposed to answer that? Of course love is love but do you even know that I am already head over heel in love with you. Do you see love can happen like this sitting across each other, in some café? When there is no violin playing in background to tell you that you are in love. I am going crazy looking at you dusting bread crumbs from your finger. Would you, in your sane mind, call this love?

Her tone was a little angry, little sad and little disappointed; I guess, when she said, “uff you speak so less. You don’t have anything to say?”

I gave that quirky smile again. A shrug which I thought would shake off my nervousness. “ Arre nothing like that. I was listening to you. I am a good listener”.

She smiled. She actually smiled at me. “That’s a very rare trait to find in a guy”

Does that mean you like that? You like me? I really should speak lesser if she likes that. She smiled at me, a genuine smile. She does like me. And its honey for sure… her eyes I mean. Would she mind if I told her that?

“You’ve got beautiful eyes” it was out before I could control myself. Damn damn she must be thinking I am flirting with her.

“Oh thank you” here came the smile again with that the flutter of her eye lashes. Does she know she looks like this when she does that? Would she do that again?

Why isn’t she looking at me? Is she trying to read something in what I said? Ohh her lips again. I need to defocus. Zoom out man. I should say something smart before she thinks I am a big time flirt, fool stupid person. “so you like cheese sandwich?” Yeah right that was a smart question. What’s wrong with me? I mentally slapped myself at this point.

“I love cheese. There is nothing called too much cheese. The more, the better.”

She smiled and then just pushed the plate away. “I am full. Can’t have more. You haven’t even touched your salad. Not good?”

“It’s good. Don’t know.. I feel full too.” Why did I order salad in the first place?

“Let’s go then. I guess only the two of us are left in the cafe. It’s getting late”

Really? It’s that late? Already? But hey I haven’t said anything. There is so much I want to ask you. Honey honey honey… it IS honey. Does she know that? She looks a little lost. Would she come out with me again if I asked her just now? “ Hmmm I’ll ask for bill” I did. Damn that waiter was just hovering as if waiting for a cue to enter the stage. Take as much time as you want in getting the bill please.

“So what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Lets see.. Its Monday so office and home I guess” this time she gave a nervous smile.

“hmmm Monday. Weekend over huh!!” I shrugged again. She knows that the weekend is over. Ask her for the next weekend or any goddamnday you fool.

“I know… so fast isn’t it?!!!

The waiter came. I was making payment and she was looking at something on the wall at her side. I could see her side profile. She was playing with her ring. Why is she looking so lost? She didn’t enjoy the evening. How would she? I haven’t been much of…ahhh anything anyways. Oh God it’s like honey shining on a spoon in the sun. Does she know that? She is smiling. Goodbye smile? Damn the curve of her lips. Which fruity blast she had? Definitely suits her. What is she thinking? “tell me please tell me”

We got up and started walking towards the door. I was walking just a step behind her. It looked like she needed something to hold in her hands. Girls always have something in their hand. How about my hand? My fingers interlocked with yours!!! Honey!!!

Coming soon... Version:: Venus