Lovebruary...

February- the month we brew love!!!

Just like every other girl, all my life I have been trying to find that one person who would love me for who I am. Blame it on being born as Aries, believing in miracles and being just hopelessly romantic, does not help much otherwise. But should I really blame this on my sun sign? I am drawn towards mind more that anything. There is an ongoing analysis in my head to decode the thought process of whoever I meet. I don’t judge (no, seriously) but I am just curious to an extent that if there was a scientific  tool called “mind decoder”, I would have had that junk. And who captivates me? Just like Edward in Twilight, I fall for one whose mind is beyond me. Who can keep me thinking about him just because I can not figure out what he has been thinking.

Someone once said to me that love is nothing but a state of hallucination. I am not very sure if I buy that but it sure does make sense. A state of hallucination, where everything looks foggy, yet beautiful. We are so caught up with the emotional “high” that we let the one we love, get away with almost anything. Something he said or did would hurt for a while but do we feel the pain?… No!!! Its only when the drug wears off…there is pain, desperation and a feeling of being completely at loss. You look back and you don’t even remember the path you have been walking on. There is this hangover of love, when there is a nagging buzz in the head and a headache that makes you feel like shit. Love sure is a drug, an addiction. When the supply is over it makes you desperate to cling on to anything, something to fill the mind with and hopelessly we try to find just another small dose to keep us alive.

But isn’t Love just a hyped emotion? Probably the most talked and discussed about human emotion in the world. Every one will market that drug free of cost and would say that it makes you feel alive and gives you positivity. then why is it that pain becomes synonym of true love? Is it our obsession for pain? Pain looks real, makes us look tougher and makes us look a bigger person in our head. May be that's why they say the path of love is always thorny. After all, we all want to be a bigger person, living for a "cause". And believe it or not, love has a fair share in everyone's "cause" of who they are.

So undeniably I am not untouched from love either. It has touched me, made me smile unreasonably, made my stomach churn, made me skip so many beats and at times made me feel like a shit. It has made me derive a hundred hypotheses on the course of events  of my life. I have taken the plunges and I have surfaced. I have hoped against hopes of being together and I have hoped that one day I’ll be able to reason myself of why I feel the way I feel. What is the reason that makes someone so special? If this time it’s real, why did it take so long to reach here? There were days when I had given up all hopes of being together and still a tiny flicker said I am still praying every single day. I have tried cutting all ties thinking that I have brought bad luck, that its just not meant to be and then I have asked myself if this is not supposed to be why did this happen. Why did I fall so miserably? Questions, even Google can not answer. Questions that when answered would loose its meaning. The state of hallucination, remember? These questions aren’t supposed to be answered. These questions create that fog in the head that keeps us all, especially me, walking on this road filled with confusions. I seek drama in life and so I like it this way. Not knowing what the future awaits, not knowing if I am right or wrong. It feels so right to be together and feels so wrong to adjure anyone for our togetherness. I have never wished for anything for myself then why do I need to ask for something that feels so mine? So I pray to be strong to let go  and the answer I get is, “I” am the one who is holding on. One of my favourite song has a line “ I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all”. So, how much ever hurt I may, I choose this. I choose to walk all scarred. Choose to stay this way still believing that “Miracle happens to those who believe in it”. One day you will also believe that you are my miracle. Till then, happily confused, happily starry eyed and miserably in love…   and JFTR Happy Valentine ’s Day!!!