I was walking with earphones
plugged in my ears and still I could not keep the maddening noises out of my
head. I was walking in a Trans. I knew in my heart he would not make it this
time. As I was getting closer to the him, the nervousness bubbling inside me, wanted the
roads to go on. I was afraid to reach his bedside, I was afraid to face him I
was hoping against hope that I do not have to deal with this on my own.
She was sitting at his bedside
chanting Mahamrituyanjaya. There was no sound in the room other than ECG beeps.
The only sign telling her that he was still there. She knew he would make it.
She knew in her heart that her faith would not let her down.
I tried to delay hoping that the
inevitable will be delayed. But, I had to face it eventually. I entered the
room and the silence engulfed me. I touched her in assurance but inside I was
shaking. I hoped she would not notice it. I was afraid to touch him. Somehow
that beep was not assuring me. I read the graph, betraying her faith. His
breathing, the gasps for air did not look natural. In my mind I joined her in
mahamrtiyunajay jaap, hoping against hope that I have misread the graph.
I could read in everyone’s eyes
that there is nothing left to be done. I hugged her because I wanted to be
held. She broke down into tears and asked me if he can make it. Can he come
back now? I could not lie. Hoping against hope that he would, he should. I just
nodded my head in ‘no’ and then I joined her in a hot stream of tears. Her
whole life she had been nothing but a wife and suddenly her whole existence was a bleak shadow of nothingness. Wife, who was hoping against hope, was allowed to be
stubborn and fight for her husband’s life. She had undeniable faith in God, He
could not do this to her.
I could not be stubborn, I had no
belief, I had faith in none. I had no one to hold me and tell me this is life.
I was staring at death and it scared me. The darkness of loneliness was
clouding in my head. I looked at her and saw the darkness in her eyes. It reminded
of the dark meadows in my own eyes. How could I be stubborn and ask for something
which was not mine. How could I pray and ask for you, when your heart was not
into me.
It was time for us to let go. Let
go of what she has had all her life. Let go of someone I wanted for my life.
Let go of someone I felt was my life.
That night both of us were alone,
stripped from the feeling of belonging to someone. The world could see that on
her face and my face betrayed nothing. How could I have lost something that never
belonged to me? How could I have lost you when it felt like I never had you?
The part of me which said that we belong together was turning into a fragment
of my imagination. Hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day to
realize that the day was just a nighmare. Hoping against hope that I can have the same faith, to fight for what I want. Hoping against hope... that what I want is true!
